


Sabbatical

by Libstar



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2018-10-15 04:43:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 57,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libstar/pseuds/Libstar
Summary: Another instalment in my Forever Kind of Love collection inspired by last nights episode that I haven't watched yet but have devoured all the spoilers for.Serena goes away leaving Bernie to deal with her own grief.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I had typed about half of the next bit of Coming Home this afternoon until someone logged me off my work PC when I hadn't saved so I figured it was the world telling me I had to write this instead. It's possible this might be multi part too.  
> As always this ones for Miranda who encouraged me to keep the FKOL verse going and created a monster!

Bernie isn’t used to this being her role, more comfortable instead to be the one getting on the train, leaving Serena and the kids on the platform as she heads off for her next tour. She isn’t used to it and she already knows she hates it, carrying Serena’s bag instead of her own down to the gate, her family walking a little way in front, Cam’s arm slung round his mum’s shoulder, Charlotte walking close. Jason had stayed at the house, more comfortable about saying his goodbyes there, not interfering with his routine too much. She feels a little guilty, that she put Serena and the kids through this so often, when the kids were too young to really understand what was happening, too young to understand that their mumma might not come home.

She hates that it has come to this at all, that she can’t do anything to help Serena in her grief, that Serena feels like she needs to escape her whole life to try and heal, to try and come to terms with losing their little girl. Bernie herself isn’t sure how she is coping, isn’t sure that she really is, that she hasn’t been so focused on supporting Serena that she has ignored her own grief. Maybe this will do them both good but Bernie is struggling to see that through her worry and hurt that Serena is leaving her behind, going out on her own. She is torn, resenting Serena for leaving but equally understanding the need. The worst is the not knowing, at least when she was going away on tour she knew her destination, how long she’d be gone but with Serena there was none of that knowing, Serena doesn’t even know where she is going to end up, can’t even say how long she will be gone.

They reach their destination far sooner than Bernie would like and she doesn’t know if she should curse or praise her inability to arrive at a place any later than half an hour before she is due. She hangs back still, doesn’t feel like she and Serena have much to say than what has already been said, wants the kids to have this time to say their goodbyes, knows they are going to miss their mum too. She watches them fondly, still, even after all these years, surprised that she gets to call this family hers, they’ve had their problems and losing Ellie has almost broken them apart more than once, but they love each other fiercely and she knows they always will.

She doesn’t realise the kids have given them some space until Serena’s hand lands on her wrist and she blinks, brings herself back to the moment. Her eyes find her wife’s and she knows that she hasn’t managed to hide how she’s really feeling by the look on the brunettes face. Serena says nothing, there’s nothing more to say really, but reaches out to cup her face, brushes her thumb over her cheek, kisses her fleetingly. Bernie is startled out of her stillness when Serena starts to pull away, moves her arms around the shorter woman’s waist and pulls her close, tucks the brunettes head under her chin and holds her close, kisses the side of her head and cards her fingers through her hair. They don’t separate until it’s time for Serena to check in, the kids come back and hug their mum again, tell her how much they love her, how much they’ll miss her. Bernie kisses her again, presses their foreheads together, whispers her love, her devotion, her unwavering support. They watch until Serena disappears from view with a final wave and then Bernie turns to her kids, doesn’t know what to do, wonders if this is how Serena felt each time they waved her off on tour.

The kids rally round, there’s a few hours before either of their trains so the go for lunch, spend some time at home going through some more of Ellie’s things, talking about their sister, her daughter. They’ve tiptoed around the subject of Ellie for weeks, knowing that talking about her upset Serena or made her angry in equal measure so it’s nice, this freedom to remember, to not worry. Almost too soon though the kids are gone, Cam heading back to London for an early shift the next day and Charlotte back to uni, Jason is staying with Allan for a few nights and Bernie is left alone.

She wanders from room to room, unsure of what to do with an infinite amount of time stretching out in front of her without Serena by her side. She considers calling her wife but talks herself out of it when she realises that Serena’s plane won’t even have landed in New York yet, that she will call when she has arrived and is settled in her hotel and she’s ready, that she promised Serena to give her the space to do this on her own. She decides on a run, it’s the way she’s been coping with all of this and it seems like a sensible way to continue. She runs far longer and far harder than she normally does, feels like she needs to push herself to the point of exhaustion so she can get a decent sleep when she’s alone in the house for the first time. Even walking up the street she is still breathing hard, red in the face by the time she gets to the front door. She takes a slow walk into the kitchen for water, heads upstairs for a shower and then collapses onto the bed, pulls her phone from the pile of running clothes. There’s a message from Serena to say she’s arrived ok and is heading for the hotel, that she’ll call her later when she’s settled, that she loves her, misses her, that she’s sorry that she has had to leave. There’s a second message too, a picture of New York from the back of a yellow taxi, captioned Ellie would have loved it here. Its then that the tears come, the ones she has been pushing away for weeks because she felt like she needed to be the strong one, they are unstoppable in that moment as she thinks of all of the things Ellie will never do, the places she will never see. She pulls Serena’s pillow to her, curls herself around it and buries her face in it as she sobs, secretly glad that she’s alone, that she can let this go here and now. As much as she wishes Serena was there with her she knows that if she was she wouldn’t be doing this, she wouldn’t be letting it go and she knows that, as much as she is going to hate the next month, two months, who knows, they both need this distance so they can come back together stronger.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Bernie throws herself into work for those first few weeks, ignores the hypocrisy of it all. Regardless of how long or tiring a shift has been she has to go for a run before she can even think about sleep and even after that it doesn’t come easily. The house is quiet without Serena, Bernie and Jason exchange quiet conversation on the days they are home at the same time, Bernie comes in from her late nights to nothing but the low murmur of Jason’s TV playing in his room. It’s so far removed from the laughter, the singing that fills the place when Serena is there, when Serena is ok.

She doesn’t hear much from her wife after the initial phone call to say that she has arrived safely, that her hotel is ok. She only knows she is ok because Serena has started blogging, it’s mostly for Jason, so he knows where his aunt is, knows what she is up to, knows which time zone she is in so he can remind her to adjust her schedule appropriately. Jason is the only person who is in regular contact with her. But Bernie reads it too, of course she does, and she knows that the kids are checking in with it every couple of days, knows that they are worried about both of their mothers but don’t really know what they can do about it.

Charlotte starts coming home at the weekends for the first time since her first term at university, helps Bernie to sort through the last of Ellie’s things then get to work on the garden, knowing that Serena would forgive none of them if she got back and it hadn’t been readied for spring, even though it is one of the things she usually does around the house. They muddle through, make it up as they go along, watch youtube videos and giggle around the garden centre, choosing plants not for their suitability to their particular soil, their south facing garden with little shade, but based on how silly their names are, both think Ellie would have enjoyed joining in with the fun, both know that Serena will probably be cross before she sees the funny side. Cam calls every other day despite the fact that, out of all of them, they are the two who are worst at communicating, their calls are always short, just enough for each to make sure the other is ok and Bernie can’t deny she appreciates the thought.

Serena’s blog is vague, talks about the sights she has seen but never about how they made her feel, how she’s feeling in herself, the pictures she includes are landscapes, close ups of little things she knows Jason will find interesting, but she is never in them. Bernie hungers for just a quick peek at her wife so she can see for herself that she really is ok, that she’s looking after herself, that she’s eating enough. She stops herself contacting Serena unless she makes contact first, doesn’t want to push Serena before she’s ready, wants to keep her promise to give her space. It’s hard though, since Bernie left the army they’ve talked every day, even if they’ve been a part, the kids always used to laugh at the way they would text even if it was an hour until they would see each other again, how they would spend the whole night on the phone like teenagers until one of them fell asleep if they were ever away from each other for the night. She wonders if this is how Serena felt when she was away with the army, when communication was patchy and they could go for several days at a time without contact, wonders if Serena resented her and missed her in equal measure.

It’s the end of the third week that Bernie comes out of surgery to a missed call from her wife, she considers leaving her hanging for a while, keeping her waiting in the same limbo that she has felt trapped in since Serena boarded that plane but know really that she could never last longer than half an hour, not when she knows that Serena obviously wants to speak to her. There’s no message or voice mail to accompany the phone call so she knows that it isn’t an emergency so she does her rounds first, makes sure everything can tick over smoothly so won’t be interrupted and then takes herself up to the roof, her grey hoody wrapped around her. She takes a minute to look out over Holby and breathe, doesn’t want to call Serena and lash out, needs only to be understanding and loving regardless of how she is feeling because this is all for Serena and Bernie can look after herself.

When Serena answers her hello is tentative and unsure, as if she is expecting Bernie to be mad with her and, although Bernie expects that feeling too, it melts away with the relief of hearing her wife’s voice after her longest time without, of knowing she is safe. They avoid talking about the hospital, Serena asks about the kids and Bernie is happy to fill her in on how they are doing, Bernie asks about New York and Serena reveals that part of the reason she has called is because she has moved on, she is in Boston now. Serena doesn’t talk about how she is, she talks about the places she has seen, the people she has met, but never once mentions how she is feeling. Part of Bernie wants to push, but another part, a larger part, wants to hold onto this connection for as long as she can, knows that if she pushes Serena could hang up and not call back for another three weeks. While not talking about herself, Serena also avoids talking about Bernie in any real way, doesn’t ask what she’s been up to, how she’s been, Bernie will analyse the conversation later and wonder if they are actually going to get through this together, if Serena being away is just away for them to drift apart and not deal with the mess of it happening at home.

That night she curls herself around Serena’s pillow again despite the fact the bed has been changed and her wife’s scent no longer lingers on the pillow and wonders whether she’ll ever have the chance to curl around Serena and sleep again or whether she will spend the rest of her life with a heart broken from missing her lost wife as well as their youngest daughter.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Bernie doesn’t think she has cried so much in her life as she does then. She has always been the strong and silent on, always picked Serena up when she couldn’t pick herself up, never shown much negative emotion unless it was simply anger. She wonders if what she is crying for isn’t just the loss of a daughter, being unable to help her wife, wonders whether she is also crying for the loss of Adrienne several years before, the loss of her own parents, the loss of her commission, missing the first few weeks of Charlotte’s life, knowing that Cam was in the hospital but she was stuck literally thousands of miles away in the desert with little chance of getting back to him, all of the other little hurts between that make up a life time.

It’s no surprise really, when Jason decides he is going to live with Allan for a while. Despite how hard she has tried since he came to be with them, and Jason tells her always that he appreciates her effort, Serena has always been better at doing all of the little things that make Jason’s days run smoothly while Bernie consistently forgets them. She’s not ashamed to say that she can barely look after herself sometimes, she forgets to eat, forgets to clean up after herself, forgets to buy more milk or peanut butter when she uses the last of it. After the second meltdown in the space of two weeks they decide between them that what is best for Jason is going to Allan’s and that it’s probably what is best for Bernie too. It does mean though that the house is completely empty, completely silent. She starts sleeping with the radio or the TV on just to fill the silence and then she stops sleeping at all.

Her PTSD is mostly under control now but after Eleanor died little bits of it have started to creep back in, it was the nightmares first, then the loud noises making her flinch, she catches herself compulsively checking exits, escape routes, even in the hospital she has worked in for the last several years, even at home where she has always, always felt safe. With Serena gone and then Jason, the nightmares get so bad that she refuses to sleep at all. She spends her nights wandering around her empty house, chasing good memories that seem so out of reach in that moment. She finds herself in Eleanor’s room more often than not, reads her favourite books, flicks through her journals, tries to hold onto the good memories they contain, tries to laugh off the teenage angst that she always watched play out between her wife and their youngest but was never turned on her. Her laugh sounds hollow even to her own ears and she feels like she might never laugh again.

People at the hospital start to notice there’s something going on, Raf and Fletch tip toe around her, Jasmine is trying harder than ever to impress her and she feels all at once like her world is going to implode, wonders if this is how Serena felt in the days leading up to her decision to leave. As much as she wants to be stubborn, as much as she likes to believe that she can barrel on through it, she goes and talks to Hennrick, explains with a candidness that only Serena would get out of her, how she is feeling, what is going on. He agrees that she should take some time away too, fleetingly suggests that she catch up with Serena, says no more when he notices the frown painted on her face. She pulls Raf, Fletch and Morven into the office that night, lets them know what is going to happen, accepts their tentative hugs and well wishes. She speaks to Jasmine alone, feels she might need more of an explanation, more time to process, she isn’t surprised when the girl gets teary, the same thing had happened when she found out that Serena was leaving, has admitted in the past that she sees the two heads of AAU as her greatest role models despite the fact Jac Naylor is her sister. Bernie hugs her, encourages her, gives her her personal mobile number, makes her promise that if anything happens, if she needs someone, she’ll get in touch.

She leaves their office much as it is, sure in herself that one, if not both, of them will be back, that this is just a break. She drives home that night and feels a weight lifted, the knowledge that she doesn’t need to hold it together, that she can let herself feel it all, is a great relief.

She has no plans for her time away, doesn’t want to travel like Serena, partly she wants to stay close to the kids, but mostly all of the places she wants to see she always planned to see with Serena by her side, she knows she wont find herself there, will only look at everything there is to see and think ‘Serena would have loved this.’ The garden needs more work so she focuses on that a bit, worried that some of the plants she and Charlotte chose might not be suitable at all for their little corner of the world. She spends a day with Jason, they go to the museum and she takes the time to listen to everything he has to tell her, asks him questions and enjoys his insightful and well thought out answers. Being at Allan’s is doing him the world of good and Bernie can see exactly how much the atmosphere in the house was affecting him now that he is away from it. It’s fish and chip tea night so they go together, find a bench in the park and eat side by side straight from the wrapper. Jason admits that he misses his Aunt, that he misses Bernie too but that he has spoken to Allan about the whole thing and he thinks he understands why all of this has to happen. She tells him about her time off too, promises that she isn’t planning on traveling like Serena and that, if he’d like, she would like to spend some more days like this, just the two of them, doing whatever he wants.

She goes down to London for the weekend to see Cam and Charlotte comes in to join them. She goes to watch the football with Cam, takes Charlotte to see a show and they meet up in the evenings to eat together. She can tell they are both worried about her and for a little while they treat her like she might break but as much as she hates it, she can’t pretend that that isn’t exactly how she feels. They don’t talk about Serena.

Charlotte comes home with her, claims it’s reading week but Bernie has her doubts. She sleeps a little more with someone else in the house but still not enough. They don’t do much, Charlotte does have a lot of work to do but Bernie is happy to sit beside her and read, offer her opinion or insights where she can. It’s nice to build a relationship with Charlotte that they have never really shared. They always got on but Charlotte was always much more her mums daughter than her mumma’s daughter. Bernie has always blamed it on the fact that she missed that initial bonding time with their middle child, that while she was stuck in Kandahar, Serena was bonding, making those connections. Bernie gets more on an insight into Charlotte’s life at university, comes out of the week with a list of recommended reading that her daughter is sure she will love, comes out of it with a new found appreciation of how much they actually have in common. When she takes her for her train Charlotte allows the hug that Bernie offers and she hugs her girls tight, kisses her cheek, murmurs that she loves her, that she is proud of her, Charlotte tells her she loves her too, her parting comment, ‘call mum, tell her.’

She doesn’t speak to Serena, does and doesn’t want to in equal measures. She knows that she wouldn’t be able to hid the truth from her if they did talk and she doesn’t want to tell her what is going on, doesn’t want Serena to feel like she needs to come home before she is ready because then all of this will have been pointless. They text occasionally, Serena updating on her location, Bernie updating on the kids, on Jason, Bernie keeps up with Serena’s blog, wishes they were traveling together after they had retired, not that Serena was traveling alone, none of it was supposed to happen like this.

When her phone rings out of the blue and flashes with Serena’s name she somehow knows that she wont be able to hide anymore, that one of the kids, or Raf, or Fletch, maybe even Hannsen, have clued her in to what is going on at home. She ignores the call, the voice mail and text message that follows. She doesn’t know what to say, she knows nothing will make it better, not now, so instead she stays silent.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason lets his Auntie Bernie know what's going on and pushes her into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly thought that having time off work would make me more,moot less productive, but it turns out when I don't have a million things to focus on my muse flies away too.  
> I'm trying to alternate updates between this fic and my other WIP Coming Home which is set in the same universe as this.  
> I've also realised that I'm rubbish at replying to comments, it's mostly because you are all so nice and I have so little belief in my writing that I just don't know what to say, but know that they are all read and appreciated and saved in a special folder for the days when I'm having a really awful crisis of confidence.

“Auntie Bernie?” Bernie startles, she’s almost forgotten that Jason is there, so trapped in her own mind that she has managed to phase out any and all background noise. She shakes her head to relieve it of the fog, and turns to face her nephew, what she hopes is a smile gracing her face.

  
“Yes Jason?” her voice is horse, she’s not used it much the last few days, hasn’t left the house since Serena’s first call, hasn’t answered her phone either. She’s stopped looking at how many missed calls, voicemails and texts there are, the guilt eating her alive at the same time as her grief. What could she possibly say to Serena anyway, how could she tell her that she’s not coping, that she knows exactly how Serena felt all those weeks ago now but she doesn’t know how to stop it, how to save herself, that the darkness she has fought her whole life is creeping back in and the only person who can do anything about it is Serena who isn’t there, can’t be there.

  
“Have you and Auntie Serena fallen out?” she doesn’t have to look at Jason’s face to know he’s frowning, wishes again that she had remembered to cancel Jason’s visit this week,  
“No Jason, we haven’t. What makes you ask?” she’s sure that she doesn’t want to know but also knows that if she doesn’t get to the bottom of it Jason will keep on bringing it up until he gets a satisfactory answer or that it will eat away at him, and although she doesn’t want to face up to anything, her priority will always lie in the wellbeing of her kids and Jason will always come under that umbrella.

  
“She has texted you four time in the last sixty seven minutes and you haven’t picked any of them up. She also asks about you every time we speak, things that she would be able to ask you if you were talking regularly.” Bernie sighs and rubs at her face, if she’s asking Jason then she is definitely asking Cam and Charlotte and it’s a wonder they haven’t had a much more straight forward conversation with her about the same thing, “She was starting to feel better, she told me so but I could hear it in her voice too but I can’t hear it anymore, she sounds sad again and that means she won’t be coming back any time soon.”

  
“Jason, this is going to take time, Serena will have good days and bad days, it’s to be expected.”

  
“You still haven’t answered my question Auntie Bernie, have you and Auntie Serena fallen out?”

  
“No Jason, I didn’t realise that my phone had gone off,” she lies and hates herself, reaches for her phone and closes her eyes, takes a deep breath before she opens them to be confronted by the sheer magnitude of her wife’s desire to speak to her. 9 missed calls, 5 voice mail messages and 27 texts.

  
“I think you should call her, Alan will be here to pick me up soon, I’ll go and wait for him in the hall so you can do it in privacy.” Bernie can’t help but smile at that, for all there are things which Jason doesn’t understand, the improvement he has made in picking up on social cues since he first came to live with them has improved drastically and she is constantly proud of him.

  
“Ok Jason,” she nods and turns her smile on him, “Why don’t you plan a trip out for us for next week? Anything you want, just let me know when you’ve decided.”

  
“Ok Auntie Bernie, I will speak to you on Friday and have something planned by then. Tell Auntie Serena I said hello.” He closes the door behind him, proving again that he understands far more than people think.

Bernie stares at the phone in her hand, knows that Jason is right, that she needs to communicate with her wife, that she needs to tell her what’s going on. She doesn’t read the messages, doesn’t need the added guilt of reading exactly how worried Serena has been, takes another deep breath and hits 1 on her speed dial. She hears Jason leave, the front door clicking shut behind him, before Serena picks up just before the call clicks over to voicemail and her greeting is so full of worry, of hurt, of hope that Bernie is crying before she even fully process’ what is going on.

  
“Serena,” she gasps out and she can’t understand how she’s lasted this long without speaking to her other half, “I’m sorry.”

  
“Shhh, Bernie, you’re ok, you’re ok darling,” Serena soothes and Bernie wishes that her hand was rubbing soothing circles on her back, the thought makes her sob harder, “You’re alright, darling, where are you?”

  
“Home, Jason just left, he, he said he was worried, that he thought you were feeling better but the last few times you talked you sounded bad again. He said I should call you.”

  
“He was right, you know,” Serena chuckles, “I’m glad you called, I wish you’d have called sooner, I’ve been worried sick since Lottie first told me you’d taken some time off.”

  
“I’m sorry, worrying you was what I didn’t want to do but I didn’t know how to speak to you without telling you what was going on and I knew that would make you worry. I handled it wrong, I…”

  
“It’s ok, you’ve called and that’s all I wanted. Look, I’m just getting back to my hotel, why don’t you go and make yourself comfortable, get into bed or the bath or curl up in the conservatory and I’ll Skype you when I get settled in my room, we can talk properly.”

* * *

 

  
When they skype call comes through Bernie is curled up in bed, her iPad propped up on Serena’s pillow and the duvet pulled tight around her shoulders. She’s splashed her face with cold water to try and get rid of some of the redness, pulled her hair in to a messy ponytail and slipped into her favourite pyjamas in the time she has been given.

  
It takes a little while for the connection to load through, she knows Serena is in Tennessee, tries briefly to work out the time difference and then gives up as soon as she claps eyes on her wife. The vision knocks the air from her lungs and she can’t resist the smile on seeing the face she has missed for almost two months. The Serena she sees is so much more Serena than she has been in what feels like forever and hope fills Bernie’s chest, hope that maybe everything will be ok.

  
Serena’s hair is shorter than she has ever seen it, greying ever so slightly at the temples and Bernie wants nothing more than to reach out and card her fingers through the short strands, she’s tanned too, the freckles across her nose prominent on her usually fair skin, she is beautiful and vibrant and Bernie has never loved her or missed her so much in her life.

  
“Hi,” she says gently and it doesn’t feel like its enough. She can see Serena studying her too, knows she will see the dark rings under her eyes, the slight loss in weight, knows she looks a mess, “You look amazing,” she adds, more a distraction for herself but the truth none the less.

  
“You look exhausted,” Bernie chuckles, pleased that some things haven't changed, pleased that Serena can be relied upon to cut straight to the heart of the matter, “when did you last sleep a full night?”

  
“Er,” does she lie, does she admit that she can't remember, can she find a middle ground between the truth and a lie that will take the look of worry from Serena's face.

  
“Darling?” Serena's tone is imploring, her love and her worry painted onto her face in equal measure and Bernie knows that she can't lie, that she shouldn't lie, that really it was the bending of truths that had put them where they were to begin with.

  
“I don't remember,” she admits, shrugs, “before Jason moved back with Allan? The last time Lottie stayed? I don't remember.”

  
“Whichever it is, that's weeks Bernie and when did you stop going to work? Why didn't you tell me?” Serena doesn't look angry, just confused, Bernie doesn't think it's possible to hate herself more, “everyone has mentioned it when we've spoken, the children, Raf, Jasmine, even Henrick, and every time I've had to pretend like I knew exactly what they were talking about.”

  
“I didn't want to worry you, didn't want you to think you needed to come home sooner than you were ready,” Bernie sighs, rubs her fingers into her eyes, sore and gritty from her earlier cry, “wait, you've been in contact with everyone?”

  
“For the last week yes, if you'd been answering my calls or even reading my texts you'd have known that, known that I was ready to reach out to people again.”

  
“Oh Serena, I'm so sorry,” Bernie feels tears pricking at her eyes and rubs at them again, “I didn't know what to say, I knew you would know something was wrong as soon as I spoke and I didn't want to worry you,”

  
“Did you think I wouldn't worry if you started ignoring all of my attempts at contact?” Serena chuckles, moves herself in the hotel bed so she is more comfortable and smiles, “but that's forgotten, you're here, now, talking to me so I want you to tell me everything.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not at all convinced about this chapter but it needed to happen to get me where I wanted to go.

They don’t hang up until 2am, or rather, Bernie falls asleep at around 1:30 and Serena lies and watches over her for a little while until she hangs up to head out in search of her own dinner.

Bernie wakes the next morning having slept better and heavier than she has in weeks to a text from Serena telling her she loves her, that she’ll speak to her soon. For the first time in several days Bernie doesn’t struggle to get out of bed, has a plan for her day before she is even half way to the shower. She tries not to dwell on the fact that she could have easily avoided feeling like this at all if she had just spoken to Serena, trusted her wife to be able to help her without jumping on a plane and coming home. She knows there will still be days when she struggles, when things seem like they will never get better, but for today she feels buoyed up by her conversation with the other woman and ready to face the day.

Out of the shower she pulls on a pair of her signature skinny jeans and a plain t-shirt, fingers dries her hair and decides on no make up. There are still dark circles under her eyes but they aren’t as bad as they were now that she’s had a decent sleep and honestly, Serena is more the make up kind. She leaves the house with nothing but her phone and her wallet, no real plan, and sets off walking in the direction of the park.

She texts Serena back when she finds a park bench to stop on, takes a picture of the lake, sends it along with a message that tells Serena that she loves her, that she’s sorry again she didn’t call sooner, that she can’t wait for them to talk again. Her phone pings almost immediately, a picture of Serena filling her screen, buried up to her nose in duvet, her smiling eyes and sleep spiked hair the only thing on show, and Bernie’s heart sings with it, she feels giddy, like she did when they first started dating, and she supposes that this is different and new and its allowed to be as exciting as it is heart breaking. They’ve both changed in losing Eleanor and they need to learn each other again. If nothing else, she knows Ellie would want them to enjoy this part, would want them to be better and stronger together.

She sits and watches the world go by for a while, the ducks in the lake, dogs chasing sticks, parents playing with their kids, and allows it all to wash over her. This isn’t the park where they played with their own children, they’d moved from their small house into this one when Bernie started to receive her army pension, but its similar in so many ways and, for the first time since they lost Ellie, the environment brings nothing but good memories. She doesn’t move until her need for coffee outweighs her desire to people watch and she continues her walk through the park until she reaches town, slips into the first coffee shop she sees, orders her usual to take out.

She isn’t usually one to wander aimlessly but she finds she enjoys it. She wanders in and out of shops, buys a notebook she thinks Charlotte will appreciate, some socks for Cameron (he’s always complaining that his go missing in the flat) and a gadget she knows Jason wants because Allan’s house is lacking in it and its messing with his TV schedule. She looks at some shirts she knows Serena would like but pauses before buying them, not wanting to assume that Serena won’t come home having changed in this way too but instead finds an eternity ring that she knows Serena will love and orders it in her wife’s size, ready to be picked up in a few days. It seems the perfect time to reaffirm the vows they made to each other if only symbolically, after everything they have gone through in the past few months.

She stops for some lunch, feels hunger for the first time in weeks and knows she should take advantage of it, doesn’t eat a lot but knows that it is better than nothing. While she sits with her sandwich and another coffee she texts Charlotte and Cameron, asks them if they have time to come visit at the weekend, knows that she’s shut them out as much as she has shut their mother out, has only kept seeing Jason because she knows the effect that just stopping their days together would have. Once she knows they kids are in she texts Jason too, explains the plan, makes sure he knows that she knows it messes up his schedule but if he feels like he can then she would love him to come too, there’s barely a minute between her sending the text and him saying yes, he would love to. Cameron jokes about bringing the fire extinguisher, Bernie doesn’t have the best track record with cooking for the family, especially without Serena’s hand to guide her or to take over when things start to look like they are getting out of hand, but she is determined to get this one thing right in the middle of getting so much wrong and so she finds herself in the cookery isle of the local book shop trying to find the perfect compromise between simple, delicious and fitting in with Jason’s exacting standards. An hour later she leaves with another recipe book along with two of the books from the list Charlotte recommended and heads home to begin studying.

* * *

Over the next few days she reads and practices and only once needs to waft at the smoke alarm with a tea towel to stop it going off. The meal she has settled on, a Moroccan style Shepard’s Pie, is easy enough as long as she gets her timings right and she spends a night on Skype with Serena writing out every step and the precise time she must carry it out to be stuck on the kitchen cabinets above her work station so she doesn’t forget anything.

“You’d think you were planning a multi course dinner party not a family dinner.” She chuckles and Bernie pokes her tongue out at her, “I think Jason might finally be rubbing off on you.”

“Or I’m determined to prove our son wrong, you know he sent me a picture of a fire extinguisher, it was in his bedroom, I think he’s really planning on bringing one!”

“Well there was that time that you did set the chicken on fire darling, he can’t be blamed for being emotionally scarred by that!”

“He was three years old!”

“The fire brigade had to come out, we had to have the whole kitchen done,” Serena pauses mid laugh, guilt flashing across her face, quickly replace by sadness and Bernie understands, it’s the first time they’ve laughed, shared memories, since Ellie died and it is impossible not to feel guilty.

“She’d want us to go on living Serena,” she says gently, casts aside her notepad and pen, gives the brunette her full attention, “She’d want us to keep on laughing, the girls lived to make you laugh from the minute she was born,”

“When she wasn’t living to make me tear my hair out,” Serena chuckles, Bernie can hear the tears in it and wishes she could offer more than words, “I know we need to keep moving forward, it just hits me sometimes, and then I feel guilty.”

“I know, I understand.” They sit in silence for a few moments, Bernie wishing she could pull Serena into her arms, press a kiss to her head, take all of this pain away somehow but she can’t and instead she watches and waits, can see Serena pulling herself together and then the smile is on her face again, though smaller than before.

“Tell me, in amongst all this planning, what’s for desert? You know they’ll expect it.”

“Oh, I’ve taught myself to make a Victoria Sponge, not as good as yours or Adrienne’s but edible.”

“Oh!” Serena looks impressed and Bernie blushes lightly, “Looks like I have a good meal to look forward to when I come home.”

“We’ll see if I manage to get through Saturday without poisoning the kids or burning the house down first yeah?”

 


	6. Chapter 6

_To:BGWolfe@hotmail.co.uk_  
 _From:SerenaWendy@gmail.com_  
 _Subject: Meet in the middle?_  
  
_My Darling Bernie,_  
 _I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last few days and I think I’m nearly ready to come home. I know you are worried that I will rush home because I know that you are struggling, that I will come home too soon and need to leave again but I truly believe that I am almost there. It still isn’t easy but I no longer wake up with that crushing pain in my chest at the thought of our beautiful Ellie, I no longer cry each time I think of her, I’m longer angry and that is perhaps the most important thing._

_While I’m not ready to be home yet I am ready to be nearer at least and I’ve decided that, after my week in New Orleans, it’s time for me to come back to Europe. I have attached my planned itinerary to this email and it is my deepest hope that you might decide to join me for at least part of the last leg of my trip._

_I know you want to stay home for the children, but in light of the last few weeks I think you need to do something for you too, if that means you come and spend some time with me that’s great, if that means you go off and do your own traveling, help in a refugee camp, retrain as a teacher, whatever you decide, know that you have my full support._

_I leave for Memphis in the morning, kill time there before I pick up the Paddle Steamer down to New Orleans on Sunday. Ellie would have hated this part of the trip, probably you would to, but my mother always wanted to travel down the Mississippi and see New Orleans so this part of the trip is for her._

_I probably wont get to Skype but I’ll try and call, definitely text and I’ll definitely make it to family dinner on Saturday so long as you don’t burn the house down making it._

_I love you Bernie, thank you again for letting me do this, I’ll never be able to tell you exactly how much it has meant._

_Yours, always_  
 _S x_   
  
Bernie reads the email in bed, she’s had a bit of a rocky morning, cried over burnt toast, spilt her coffee all over the floor and given up and gotten back into bed. Her immediate reaction to Serena’s words are more tears, she misses her fiercely and even the knowledge that she will soon be closer is calming somehow. She doesn’t email Serena back, knows that it isn’t expected straight away, that this is something they will talk about next time they Skype, knows that there is time to make decisions and plans. She does text her though, lets her know that she’s having a bad morning but in the grand scheme of things she is ok, reminds her to have a safe trip.

She spends her morning looking at Serena’s plans for Europe, follows the links to the places she wants to visit, the sights she wants to see, tries to decide which of the, so far, six week long trip she wants to be part of, until Jason texts to remind her that she agreed to pick him up in half an hour and she dives out of bed to get dressed and out the door.

Jason had asked if he could stay over when she invited him for family dinner and Bernie had tripped over herself to say yes, had assumed that Cam and Charlotte would be staying too, hat they wouldn't feel the need to ask. As much as he can be a bother sometimes, she feels guilty for thinking it, knows it isn’t his fault, but doesn’t make it any less true, she misses him around the house, misses having someone to watch Pointless and Countdown with, wonders briefly if she could get him interested in Only Connect, then realises he would definitely beat her at that.

* * *

 

  
Dinner actually goes off without a hitch in spite of the miniature fire extinguisher Cam sets on the table and refuses to move until they are all fed. It feels good, Bernie thinks, to have the house full of noise again, even feels good to remember Ellie, though she does wish she was with them still.  
  
When the dishes are all stacked in the dishwasher and everyone has a drink they move as one to the living room. Jason pulls out the Monopoly board, a Dr. Who special edition they've all been playing together for years, and Bernie sets up the laptop in the hope they get a Skype call from Serena while they are all still up. She settles herself on the floor and leaves the boys, mostly Jason, to set up.  
  
"You ok darling?" she asks quietly, nudging the brunette's shoulder, she has been quiet most of the evening in a way that isn't like her at all and it has been enough to worry Bernie.  
  
"Can I stay here tonight?" Charlotte asks rather than answer, and Bernie loops an arm around her shoulder, pulls her in, presses a kiss to the top of her head,  
  
"I'd assumed you were all staying here tonight anyway, but darling, this is still your home, you never have to ask to stay here. Now, what's going on?"  
  
"Can we talk later?"  
  
"Of course darling, whenever you're ready." Bernie and Charlotte play as a team, Charlotte curled into her mums side in a way she hasn't since she was a child and Bernie never stops running her fingers through her hair.  
  
When the Skype call comes through they all abandon the came and turn their attention to the laptop balanced on the pouf. Bernie goes to move slightly when the connection loads through and Serena's face appears on the screen but Charlotte's hold across her stomach tightens so she relaxes back to where she was. She knows Serena has noticed the minute her eyebrow arches up but all she can do for the moment is shrug and keep stroking Charlotte's hair.   
  
"Auntie Serena, your hair's gone," Jason says and Bernie chuckles, had forgotten that Jason generally sticks to phone calls and emails, hasn't actually seen his Auntie since the day she left, "And your blog isn't very up to date, anyone relying on it for information will think you are still in Washington."  
  
"Hello to you too Jason," Serena says with a wry smile and Bernie grins at her, "Firstly, yes, my hair is shorter, I decided to cut it short just after I got to New York."  
  
"But why Auntie Serena?"  
  
"Why not?" Serena shrugs and Bernie watches Jason mull this over until he nods, "And I promise to update the blog this week, I'll have plenty of time while I'm on the boat to New Orleans."   
  
They talk between them for a little while but Bernie knows that Serena's attention is torn between the conversation and their daughter who has hardly said a word the whole time.

"Boys," Serena says when there is a natural lull in the conversation, "Do you mind giving us girls a minute to chat?" Cameron pushes to his feet, nudges Jason who follows, muttering something about not getting to finish his game before the door closes behind them. Bernie leans to pull the laptop closer to them then settles back against the sofa, her arms still around Charlotte.  
  
"Hey Charlie girl," Serena says gently, a nickname shares between only them since the day Charlotte was born,  
  
"Hi mummy," Charlotte says quietly and Bernie and Serena frown at each other  
  
"Honey, tell me and Mumma B what's going on." it feels like they've regressed several years but the way Charlotte is behaving is so reminiscent of her as their shy middle child that it's difficulty not to.  
  
"It's not important, not really. Not after...not after Ellie,"  
  
"Lottie," Bernie offers, "Darling look at me." she smiles when the girl turns her face up to her, presses a kiss to her forehead, strokes her cheek, "Don't keep things from us because of everything that's happened, it's not what either of us want."  
  
"If anything it's the opposite of what we want," Serena adds, "We...Our...Before Ellie died we, or at least I, didn't have the best relationship with her. She didn't think she could come and talk to us about what was going on even though we would have done everything in our power to help her. We can't fix that relationship now, no matter how...how much we wish we could and the very last thing either of us want is for any of you other kids to feel the same whether you are worried we might be angry or you think we don't have time. We love you darling, whatever it is, we want to be able to help." Bernie can see the wetness in Serena's eyes, can feel the press of tears in her own and takes a deep breath, rubbing at her face with the hand that is not around her daughter.  
  
"Darling, what's going on?"  
  
"Robyn left," Charlotte mutters, staring at her hands fidgeting in her lap, "Couldn't handle my nightmares, my insomnia, the fact I cry at the drop of a hat these days,"  
  
"Oh darling," Serena says and all Bernie can think is that she wants to hurt someone, "When,"  
  
"The last time I stayed here, I got back to the flat and she'd gone, left a note and enough to cover the rent for the next two months."  
  
"Lottie that was nearly three weeks ago," Bernie says gently, "Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"Mum was away, you'd just decided to take a break from work, I knew you weren't coping and I didn't want to add to that."  
  
"Lottie darling I..."  
  
"No Mumma B it's ok," Charlotte's smile is small but cheeky, she knows how much Bernie hates the nickname that started as a joke when she and Cam were teenagers, "Honestly, I know I could speak to you, either of you, if I needed to but I've been doing ok. I had exams to focus on but since they finished it's been harder." The look on Serena's face tells Bernie that she wishes she could wrap their little girl in her arms and so she hugs her close for both of them.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm not there with you, with both of you."  
  
"We understand why you had to leave mum," Charlotte says, offers a smile, "But we do miss you."  
  
"Oh Charlie girl, I miss you too."

* * *

  
  
Bernie sleeps that night with Charlotte curled next to her, wakes up amazed that she managed to sleep the whole night even though she takes one look at Lottie and knows she has barely slept. They cuddle for a little while, Charlotte's head on Bernie's shoulder as her fingers stroke through her hair. They talk about Charlotte's exams, her approaching deadlines. Bernie mentions Serena's email and Charlotte encourages her to take the trip.  
  
"It will be good for both of you," she says, flicking through Serena's itinerary for Europe on Bernie's iPad, "She misses you like crazy you know, more than any of the rest of us, and we know that you miss her too."  
  
"It's the longest we've been apart since I was away with the army, even Kiev was only a couple of weeks and we met in the middle every other weekend."  
  
"I hope I find someone one day who loves me like you and mum love each other."  
  
"You will darling, I know you will,"  
"I thought Robyn was it for me for a long time, but I guess not."  
  
"Who was it who said 'if you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best'? Audrey Hepburn?"  
  
"Or Marilyn Monroe," Charlotte chuckles and Bernie is pleased that she has been able to make her laugh a true, honest laugh even if it is at her expense, "I'll never understand how your general knowledge is so terrible!"

* * *

  
  
They don't get up until the sounds of pots and pans from downstairs tells them that the boys are up and making breakfast. Bernie lets Charlotte jump in the shower and pulls on a slightly more relaxed pair of skinny jeans and a loose t-shirt, has a mug of coffee handed to her the minute she walks through the kitchen door. Jason and Cam are cooking breakfast between then, a full English that Bernie wasn't even aware she had the makings of, not that she's complaining, she had been expecting the kids to disappear quickly come morning, especially Jason who so often likes to get back to his routine as quickly as he can after an interruption, even a pleasant one. A few well placed questions tell her that this was always part of the plan, that they have planned a full day together, and she pushes herself up from the table, wedges herself between them at the cooker and kisses them both on the cheek. Jason frowns but only slightly, and she reaches up to ruffle his hair before she returns to the table and her coffee.  
  
By the time Charlotte makes it downstairs the others have started their breakfast and she slips into the chair beside Bernie and fills a plate for herself. She's a little more chatty this morning and Bernie realizes that telling her and Serena about Roby has lifted a weight from her shoulders. Over their food she is filled in on the plans for the day, the train to London, Natural History Museum for Jason, some shopping (but not a lot Auntie Bernie!) for Lottie and Cam's favorite restaurant for dinner. For the first time in weeks, she is genuinely looking forward to the day ahead.

* * *

 

  
The day is filled with laughs, silly selfies and good quality time with her kids that she misses out on when she's working. She's exhausted when she gets home, but happily so, and she lingers in the doorway of each of the kids rooms once they are asleep and watches them for a little while. Jason is returning to Alan's in the morning, Cam heading back to his flat to prepare for an afternoon at work, but Charlotte has decided to stay for a few days longer, her exams are done and she can work from anywhere is what she says, but Bernie knows it's hard to be in the flat now that Robyn is gone is what she means. Bernie plans to spend the next few days encouraging Charlotte back to her therapist, encouraging her to look into a new place to live, the lease on her current place almost up anyway, and planning her trip to see Serena hopefully with a little surprise for her wife thrown in for good measure.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long, yet again I hand wrote the whole thing and it's taken me this long to talk myself into word processing it. I'm the worst!   
> I hope it was even a little bit worth the wait.

"Did Cam email you?" Bernie asks, it's their last Skype call before they meet in Europe, Vienna first and after that Bernie doesn't care because they'll be together. Her case is packed and apparently visible in the corner of the frame, the first thing Serena pointed out when the call connected, a grin on her face that made Bernie's heart ache with how long it had been since she had seen her look so happy. Bernie's flight is the following afternoon and she hasn't been so excited for anything in years, knows it has nothing to do with traveling to a new place and absolutely everything to do with having Serena in her arms for the first time in almost three months.  
  
"I haven't checked my emails since I arrived, planned to later tonight." Bernie is glad, wants to be with Serena at least digitally when she sees what Cam has sent, wishes the same had been true when she opened her own emails.  
  
"I think you should have a look," she prompts gently and while Serena quirks an eyebrow in question she sees that she reaches for her phone. she knows when Serena has found what she was talking about and opens the attachment, sees the emotions warring for dominance on her face, the grief and the joy, imagines her own face looked similar earlier in the day.  
  
"He's painting again," Serena says quietly and her eyes meet Bernie's briefly, shining with tears but happy. Cam has always been their little artist, surprised both of them when he told them he wanted to follow them into medicine, both ready and willing to support him through art school. But even has he pursued the place at med school his Art A-Level had kept his mood high, kept him going, the A* at the end had just been an added bonus. As far as they both knew his creativity had dried up with the pressures of Medical School and instead of a sketch book, a weighty medical text book was his constant companion. It seemed though, that grief had provided the motivation or the muse to get him going again.  
  
"It always was his way of processing," Bernie offers and Serena smiles, looks again to her phone before putting it away for the moment, "He said he had some sketches too, wanted us to have them, do what we like with them."  
  
"Frame them maybe?" Serena suggests, "It's been a long time since we've been able to fill the house with the children's drawings."  
  
"Fill the time until we have grandchildren to fill the fridge with stick men and finger paintings?" she asks with a chuckle and Serena joins in, "I'd almost forgotten how good he was." The picture Cam had sent them both is a painting, based on a photo that Bernie had all but forgotten existed, both of them pressing kisses to Ellie's cheeks the night of her prom, Ellie rolling her eyes but grinning between them. it looks so real that Bernie feels like she could reach out and touch it, feel the heat of their skin, the texture of their hair, she knows Cam's sketches will be just as detailed.   
  
"There's always been a part of me that wishes he'd stuck with the art. As much as I'm thrilled that one of them got into medicine, I wonder if he would be happier if he had let himself be an artist."  
  
"I wont deny having thought it once of twice, especially when he took that year out and looked like he wasn't going to go back and finish but you've seen him on the ward, it comes naturally to him, just like it comes to you."  
  
"That boy is all you Berenice Wolfe, genetics be damned, that drive...!  
  
"That tendency to run away when the going gets tough?" Bernie chuckles  
  
"Our current situation suggests that he might have got that a little bit from me too," Serena shrugs and Bernie holds her eyes, smiles gently, "Will you give him a hug from me when he drops you at the airport tomorrow? Tell him thank you?"  
  
"Of course," Bernie shifts, feels her t-shirt ride up revealing her stomach and takes a moment to appreciate the way Serena's eyes seem to track it, slowly trail over her, appreciating her in a way that they haven't had room for for a while, it feels good to know that, despite everything else, Serena is still attracted to her, it's something she's worried over for months, since before Ellie if she's honest and it was never something she knew how to bring up, knew how to fix. Maybe out of all the bad they've had, there might be this little bit of good after all, the clock reset. "I had dinner with Jason tonight, he asked me to tell you that he's disappointed by recent pictures on your blog, says he'd much rather see the place you are talking about that a picture of your face. Though he does seem to be enjoying the videos."  
  
"Oh charming, and here was me thinking it was progress."  
  
"I would have killed to see your face in those early pictures, anything to be able to see that you were ok with my own eyes," Bernie says sadly, regrets it the moment Serena's face falls too.  
  
"I'm sorry about that, I truly am, I just couldn't..."  
  
"I know," Bernie interrupts gently, "I didn't say it to make you feel bad, I've developed a new appreciation for how you felt when I was overseas. But enough sadness, tell me where you are planning on taking me when I get there tomorrow."

* * *

 

  
Of course Bernie's flight is delayed, she expects nothing less really, spends the time fidgety and restless, unable to concentrate on the book Charlotte had handed her the night before. Serena feels so close yet still so far away and Bernie knows that when she sees her she'll want to pull her close and never let go.  
  
In reality she freezes. She walks through the arrivals gate, one of the first out because after the bad luck of the flight her case ends up being one of the first off the belt, spots Serena and freezes. The other woman hasn't spotted her yet so she takes the time to take her in. She's kept her hair short, un-dyed the whole trip, the silver at her temples remaining, the weight loss is more obvious too but she wears it well and her face looks healthy again, the glow back in her cheeks. She's breath taking and the Serena's eyes find hers and she smiles, big and wide and sparkling, and Bernie still can't move. Serena takes the initiative, thankfully, and as soon as she reaches out, touches Bernie's arm, the spell breaks and Bernie wraps her up in her arms. She squeezes her tight, lifts her off her feet, and Serena's giggle is so right and happy and true, so right there, right in Bernie's ear that her heart thumps painfully and she feels the burn of tears. When Serena is back on her feet her hands move to comb through the silver at her wife's temples the way she's wanted to since that first Skype call, and frame her face.  
  
"Hi," she says, both of their eyes are wet but she can feel the grin pulling at the little used muscles of her face,  
  
"Hi," Serena breathes out and then she is pushing up on her toes and they are kissing for the first time in ten and a half weeks. They kiss and kiss, not caring where they are or who might be watching focused only on reconnecting, reaffirming. It remains chaste but to Bernie it's perfect and when they break apart she presses her forehead to Serena's and smiles at her,  
  
"Sorry I'm late," she mutters and Serena laughs again, it's a sound that she will never take fro granted for the rest of her life  
  
"I wouldn't expect anything more from you, now come on, I imagine you want a decent coffee, a shower and something to eat. I know just the place."

* * *

  
  
In the taxi Bernie can't take her eyes off her, she'd known she missed her, known that Skype only removed part of the longing but as soon as she laid eyes on her it was as if a part of her had been found that she hadn't known was lost. For her part, Serena can't keep her eyes off Bernie either and they spend the whole trip gazing at each other, their hands joined in Serena's lap. Bernie has no doubt the Vienna is beautiful, has researched and looked to Google, knows that there are things she wants to see while they are here but there is nothing she wants to see more than Serena. Her face looks so much brighter, her eyes clearer, than they were when she left Holby all those weeks ago. She's tanned and smiling and Bernie is so pleased because she had been worried that Serena could travel and travel and never find what she was looking for. There's no doubt that Serena has changed, they both have and who wouldn't in their situation? But Bernie is sure for the first time that the changes don't matter, that they will remain as strong as ever.  
  
Serena has booked a small appointment for their four night stay, preferring the freedom to the more regimented nature of a hotel. It's a studio flat, not far from the Stadtpark, only two rooms but to Bernie it's perfect, means that Serena will always be close.  
  
Worried about being too clingy, about overwhelming Serena with her presence, she perches on the edge of the bed while Serena makes the coffee, obviously already at home in the studios small kitchen. There is silence between them but for the first time in months it is comfortable, not weighed down by grief, by anger. Serena though quickly makes it clear that she is done with the distance when she moves to stand in front of the blonde, her arms draped over her shoulder.  
  
"Hi," Bernie smiles, looping her arms around the other woman's waist and looking up at her, her fingers stroking her back ever so slightly.  
  
"Hi yourself," Serena leans down and brushes their lips together, "God I've missed you,"  
  
"I'm here now though," Bernie murmurs, presses their foreheads together, "It's so good to see you."  
  
"It's so good to be seen," Serena sighs, brushes her fingers across Bernie's cheek, through her hair, "I'm sorry for everything before this break, I'm sorry for having to leave you."  
  
"If it meant you could come back to me whole, if it meant you got what you needed I'd let you do it again in a heartbeat, regardless of how much I missed you."  
  
"But I left you having to deal with everything, I left you when we should have been together." Serena's eyes are wet and Bernie pulls her down onto her lap, holds her close, strokes her hair, "I made you be ok when you really weren't and I left you to pick up the pieces."  
  
"You needed it and that's ok," she murmurs, "and I love you Serena, I'd walk through hell and back for you in a heartbeat. I wont pretend it hasn't been awful without you but it's what you needed and I respect that. Please, no more apologizing, lets just enjoy the time we have together yeah?"  
  
"I love you Bernie," Serena says against her neck, nuzzles against the skin there, "I love you,"

* * *

  
  
They go to a small restaurant for dinner and wander the Stadtpark in the dimming light hand in hand, talking about everything and nothing. Bernie catches Serena up on the kids, on how Charlotte is really doing in the wake of Robyn leaving, how Jason is doing, Cam has been the only one out of all of them to be truly honest. Serena tells her about America, all the things she wants to take Bernie to see one day, all of the things she wished Ellie could have seen. By the time they are walking back to the studio Bernie's arm is around Serena's shoulder, the shorter woman tucked into her side and Bernie feels like she has never felt so right, so whole. She stops them just before they reach the door to their temporary home and spins Serena to face her, cards her fingers through the silver at her temples and brings their lips together. It is slow, tender, even when Bernie swipes Serena's bottom lip with her tongue and is granted access. Serena's hands slide around her waist, up her back until she is gripping Bernie's shoulder blades and they kiss and kiss and kiss. It feels like flying, it feels like coming home. When they pull apart Bernie peppers kisses against Serena's cheeks, her nose, her forehead. When she's done she presses their faces together and smiles blissfully at her wife who is smiling back at her.  
  
"What was that for?" she murmurs, stroking her fingers through Bernie's fringe, brushing their noses together.  
  
"I. Just. Just because." Bernie shrugs, presses another kiss to smiling lips before her body betrays her with a yawn, she's exhausted, her body always rebelling against any kind of travel but she's powered through, wanting to do nothing but spend time with Serena.   
  
"I think it's time someone was in bed," Serena smirks, brushing over the pout that appears on Bernie's lips with her thumb, "None of that, we have all the time in the world and I'll be here in the morning."  
  
And she is there, her reading glasses perched on her nose as she reads, something she has told Bernie she is pleased to have found again while she has been traveling. Bernie snuffles closer, her eyes barely open and nuzzles her nose into the other woman's side, finds an opening between pyjama top and bottoms and presses a kiss to the skin there.  
  
"Mmm, morning," Serena murmurs above her, threads her fingers through Bernie's hair, scratches lightly at her scalp. Bernie drifts for a long time, knows there is a brand new city outside to be explored but wanting to enjoy every minute of this closeness that she hadn't been sure she would receive. Their relationship was strained long before Serena left, long before they lost Ellie is she's honest, and there had been so much distance between them that Bernie hadn't been sure they would be able to close it, she can only hope that this is a definitive sign that she had been wrong, that they could close the gap, that they would be ok.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The struggle getting this written has been too real! I've written it several different ways and I'm still not 100% convince with it, but here it is. I think I'm back on track so hopefully it won't be so long between updates for a little while.
> 
> Like with Coming Home, I'm making a promise to start replying to my comments because honestly, I don't know why I wasn't doing it already. You're all amazing!

Serena doesn’t sleep much Bernie notices. The brunette is always awake when Bernie falls asleep, already up with a coffee and her book when Bernie wakes in the morning. Bernie worries about it a little, knows that in the past Serena has suffered from nightmares that would sometimes stop her sleeping altogether, hates the idea of Serena struggling for all this time alone. Bernie knows her own nightmares have returned, a throw over from her time in the army but changed following Ellie’s death and finding Serena up on the hospital roof. Now, instead of dessert storms and IED’s, it's her hands in Ellie’s chest, her daughters heart slowing to a stop in her hands, while she tries and fails to save her, it’s Serena tumbling over the edge of the hospital roof just as she breaks through the door. She wakes sweating, shaking, sometimes crying and after that it’s almost impossible together back to sleep. They’ve waned a little since being back with her wife but it seems that not even Bernie's presence can chase away Serena's demons and that terrifies her. What if there's nothing she can do? What if Serena travels and travels and still can't expunge her demons, her ghosts? What does that mean for them?

* * *

 

Their third night together Bernie wakes with a start, her chest tight, the remnants of a nightmare pulling at the edges of her consciousness. She rolls over, reaches out for Serena, sighs when her arms come up empty. Rolling onto her back she pushes herself up, scrubs at her face, wills her heart to slow down. Serena is nowhere to be seen in the small studio but the doors out to the balcony are open, the drapes shifting slightly in the breeze. She considers leaving Serena to it, just going back to sleep, but she knows that she wont, especially when she knows the other woman is out there. She pushes herself up, pulls on a long sleeved t-shirt to stave off the chill she can feel and steps out into the night. Serena is curled in one of the large patio chairs that take up most of the balcony, a thin cardigan draped around her shoulders and a glowing cigarette dangling between her fingers. Bernie had been sure she had stopped.

“Hey,” she says quietly, waits unti Serena looks up at her before she steps out fully, Serena gives her a small smile as she slides onto the arm of the chair, oops her arm around her shoulder. The night is still and quiet, only the odd noise drifting up from the street below, it’s soothing and they enjoy the silence for a while, Serena's head against Bernie's shoulder, taking the odd draw from the cigarette, blowing the smoke in a long stream up to the sky.

“What are you doing up?” Serena asks eventually, turns her head to press a kiss to Bernie's side, tugs her down so that she’s sat across her lap and folds herself around her.

“Nightmare,” Bernie shrugs, takes the cigarette from Serena's fingers and takes a draw herself, “I could ask you the same question though,” she nudges gently and Serena sighs, presses her face into Bernie's shoulder

“Sleep isn't exactly my friend at the moment.” She says eventually and Bernie squeezes her shoulder,

“But did you try? We only got into bed two hours ago, I can only have been asleep for an hour, hour and a half tops,” she says carefully,

“I was just staring at the ceiling,” Serena shrugs, “And if I don't fall asleep right away I don't manage to, at least not without the nightmares.”

“Oh Serena,” Bernie twists so she's facing her better, runs her fingers over her cheek, catches up a few tears with the pads of her fingers, “How many nights?”

“Most,” Serena shrugs, chuckles mirthlessly, “During the day I feel better, I can see an end, I can see the light but at night, I don't know. The last few nights have been better, even knowing you were coming made it a little easier, but tonight, tonight it just wasn’t happening.”

* * *

 

  
They sit for a little longer, wrapped up in each other, looking up at the stars until Serena starts to shiver,

“Come back inside?” Bernie suggests, watches Serena hesitate, “I'll stay awake with you, I just don't want you catching a cold.” When Serena nods, Bernie slides to her feet, holds out her hand and pulls Serena up with her. They move back inside together and only when the door is closed behind them does she squeeze the hand in hers and pull Serena into a proper hug.

“Make yourself comfortable somewhere and I’ll make us some tea,” she watches from the kitchen island as Serena settles herself into the sofa, strips back down to her tank top while the kettle boils then fixes them both a mug of chamomile tea, grabs Serena's book on her way to her wife's side. She settles herself sideways, pats the cushion between her legs, smiles when Serena doesn't hesitate to curl up against her chest. They drink their tea in silence and once she’s finished Bernie grabs for Serena's book and starts to read aloud from her last marked page, her other hand moving to smooth through her wife's hair. Serena snuffles closer, sighs contentedly as Bernie's fingers move to knead the base of her neck.

When Serena's cool hand slips under Bernie's clothes to rest on her hip she jumps at the temperature change, relaxes quickly and with a smile as the fingers doodle against her skin, their most intimate contact in months.

She feels the brunette begin to drift of, the movement of her fingers slowing, her body becoming heavier against Bernie. She stops reading, presses a kiss to the top of her head and continues to massage her neck, rub over her back, until she's sure that she's asleep. Only then does she twist to flick the light off and presses another kiss to the brunettes head, rests her lips against it.

“Sleep tight my darling,” she murmurs, wraps Serena fully in her arms and drifts off to sleep herself.

* * *

 

  
When she wakes again it's. light outside, her neck is stiff but Serena is still curled against her, sleeping peacefully. Bernie knows she needs to move really, knows her back hasn't been up to sleeping on sofas since the IED but she doesn't have it in her to disturb the brunette and so, she shifts as much as she can without waking her, and let's herself drift.

It's another hour before Serena stirs, comes awake slowly, rubs at her face, wriggles further into Bernie's body.

“What time is it?”

“A little after ten,” Bernie says, twisting lightly to see the clock, smooths her hands up Serena's back,

“Oh, we had breakfast plans,” Serena sighs though she makes no attempt to move, still hasn't opened her eyes and Bernie chuckles, presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“We did but they weren't important,” she says, “Did you sleep well?”

“Mmm, perfect,” Serena purrs, opens her eyes, grins at Bernie sleepy and wide, “Thank you,”

“Any time,” Bernie strokes lightly over her face, leans down and kisses her gently, “As lovely as this is, I do need to move before my back sizes altogether”

“Oh Bernie, why didn't you wake me sooner?” Serena says as she moves herself off the blonde, Bernie only need shoot her a raised eyebrow to make her point, “Fair enough,” she shrugs, kisses Bernie on the cheek, “if it's stiff later I’ll give it a rub.”

* * *

 

  
Bernie thinks it's a good job they had planned a lazy ish day, it's almost as if one decent nights sleep has made Serena's body realise exactly how sleep deprived it had been. They wander the streets slowly, slip in an out of little boutiques, Serena tucked snugly into Bernie's side, stifling yawns with the back of her hand. Bernie's back is killing by mid afternoon so they hole up in a coffee shop and for a little while, share a pot of tea and a slice of cake and watch the world go by. It’s a stillness, a languidness, that they don't often get to enjoy in their relationship and it makes Bernie look forward to them retiring together, to more traveling, to more afternoons just like this, with nothing to worry about, nothing to rush back to. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not convinced by this and typically the writers block has lifted slightly on this one and descended fully on Coming Home. Honestly, all fairy dust, prompts and bribes welcome to help me get my groove back. I hate when the words don't flow like I'm used to and I'm totally willing to write some one shots in this verse to try and beat it if anyone has anything they want to see.   
> Again, you're all lovely and it's you're comments and feedback that keeps me going. X

“I don't think I'll be going back to the hospital,” Serena says as they slowly meander back to their apartment, Bernie doesn't know what to say, they haven't discussed Serena coming home, never mind going back to work so she waits her out, pulls her a little tighter to her side as they walk. “It’s been difficult to be there since we lost mum and now… I’m not sure I'd be able to bear it now.” She looks up at Bernie who presses a kiss to her forehead, squeezes her shoulder, “I don't think I'm strong enough.”

“Darling,” Bernie starts, not sure what she’s going to say but knowing that she has to try something, “You’re stronger than you think, don’t scoff Serena, you are. But I'd never make you go back to something that made you unhappy. If you never want to set foot in Holby City Hospital again I respect that and I support it. You told me once that I could do nothing for the rest of my life, you were just happy to have me back home, the same thing applies here darling,”

“And the same thing you said to me then applies now too, I’d go mad if I sat at home all day, but what are my other options,” Serena sighs, “Medicine is my life, I’m too old to get into something else.”

“There are other hospitals, or there's teaching, mentoring, there are countless things you could do, or you could do nothing, read, take up yoga”

“You saw how good I was at that<” Serena chuckles and Bernie is pleased to see her eyes full of mirth,

“It’ll probably take you at least six months to fix the mess me and Charlotte made of the garden,”

“You’d be surprised,” Bernie chuckles, presses a kiss to her temple, “But you have time, you don't have to decide today, or tomorrow, or next month. All I want is for you to focus on getting back to yourself, that’s all that matters to me and the kids.”

* * *

  
By the time they get back to the apartment Bernie’s back feels like it’s breaking in a way she hasn’t felt in years. She knows that sleeping on the sofa is only partly to blame, that her lack of physical exercise over the last few months has taken its tole as well, vows to herself that when she gets back home she’ll start looking after herself a little better. She perches gingerly on the edge of the bed, bends to take her trainers off and yelps as pain shoots everywhere, Serena is by her side in the time it takes her to straighten up, her hand rubbing gently over her back.

“Do you have pain killers with you?” She asks, brushing Bernie's fringe out of her face and cupping her cheek when she shakes her head, “I’ll run you a bath and then while you soak I’ll run out for some.”

“You don’t have to,” Bernie protests, but it’s weak, she knows Serena is offering all of the things that will help to at least ease the pain

“No I don't, but I want to. Why don't you lie down while I fill the tub?”

“Come back and lie with me?” The pain is so bad she feels a little sick, a lot pathetic and the press of tears behind her eyes is hard to ignore, all she wants is some heavy painkillers that will make her sleep until the pain subsides,

“Of course my love,” Serena presses a kiss to her head, helps her to lying down and slips off her shoes before she disappears into the bathroom. Bernie lies with her eyes closed and listens to the water start running, tries to breathe through the pain until her wife returns. When Serena comes back into the room she lowers herself back onto the bed, sits beside Bernie's prone form and strokes her fingers through her hair.

“Ok?” She asks gently and Bernie cracks her eyes open, gives a pained smile

“Nothing I haven't dealt with before,” Serena gives her a pointed look and she relents with a sigh, “But it’s worse than its been in a while.”

“The bath should be nearly ready, at least that might take some of the pressure off,” Serena says, helps Bernie slowly to her feet, she can’t help the grunt of pain and allows herself to be lead to the bathroom, lets Serena help her out of her clothes. She wishes there was a better reason for Serena's hands to be on her bare skin again for the first time in months, but relishes the contact anyway, Serena's hands warm and smooth on her back and her arms.

The hot water does help and she rests her head back against the roll top of the tub, grins up at Serena through the steam.

“Thanks you,” she sighs and Serena bends to press a kiss to her forehead. Bernie catches her hand, presses a kiss to her knuckles, “join me,” it's an innocent enough question given the state she is in, but Serena pinks high on her cheeks, offers a shy smile.

“I need to go and get you some painkillers and maybe some dinner,” Serena squeezes the hand in hers, chuckles when instead of letting her go Bernie tugs until they are face to face.

“Love you,” she murmurs and Serena grins, presses a kiss to her mouth this time

“Love you too darling, I’ll be quick, pleas try not to hurt yourself while I'm gone.”

When Serena gets back Bernie is still in the bath. But the water is starting to cool and she lets Serena help her out, wrap her in a towel. The brunette has outdone herself, produces pain killers, a heat pack and a bottle of Shiraz along with some delicious smelling food that Serena insists she eat before putting painkillers into her system especially since the heat from the bath and the heat pack have helped to relax everything somewhat.

By the time they get into bed, the painkillers and the Shiraz have relaxed her so much that she can barely keep her eyes open, made her feel like she’s floating on a cloud. Serena slides beside her, kisses her shoulder, trails her fingers lightly over the top of her back,

“How are you feeling love?” She asks and Bernie snuffles further into the pillows, a dopey smile on her face.

“Love you S’rena,” she mutters and Serena smiles lovingly at her, it make her heart sing, though she recognises the possibility that it's a little bit of the pain killers too,

“Love you too. Darling, get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning.”

* * *

  
When she wakes up she feels a little hungover, but a lot better, rolls onto her side and finds Serena watching her, chin propped in her palm a look in her eyes Bernie hasn't seen for a long time, one she doesn't dare think too much about.

“Morning,” she smiles, rubs the sleep out of her eyes,

“Almost afternoon,” Serena shrugs, smirks at the surprise on Bernie's face, “Either the pain killers are stronger than I thought or the Shiraz is lethal. Because you’ve slept like the dead.

“Sorry,”

“Don't be,”. Serena soothes, “There was a particularly entertaining fifteen minutes a little after midnight where you got a little handy, tried to take my top off and when you couldn't manage that you took. Off your own instead.”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Bernie groans, hides her face in her pillow, she hadn’t even registered that she’d gone to bed in a tank top and woken up without out it, that would teach her mixing her opiates with alcohol, “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey,” Serena runs her fingers through the hair at the nape of Bernie’s neck, massages the muscles in hurt neck lightly,, “come out darling,” she coos, smiles when Bernie's eye appear, the rest of her face still hidden, “you don't need to apologise, like I said, it. Was entertaining an, had you been conscious it wouldn’t have been entirely unwelcome.”

“Really?” Bernie asks, still unsure, she hates the idea that she tried to force herself on her wife, painkillers or no, especially when. Things are still so, unbalanced, she supposes. There's no denying that she misses the physical side of their relationship, it's something that they have always been good at, that has always been strong between them, until just before Christmas, she just hoped it was something they could still fix between them.

“Of course Bernie, you're my wife, I love you. I know that that part of our relationship has been suffering long before Ellie but it's something I want to work on, something I miss.” Bernie's eyes feel wet and she surges forwards, ignores the twinge in her back and brings their lips together in a sweet kiss, her hands moving to brush through the short hair at Serena's temples.

“God Serena I love you,” she murmurs against her mouth, “I love you so much,” she yelps when Serena shoves her lightly onto her back, shifts so she is flush against her side, head propped on her palm, watches her hand trace patterns over Bernie’s stomach and chest.

“I love you too Bernie and I know that even before we lost Ellie I was distant, I let things come between us that I shouldn't have at work and at home and I’ll never be able to apologise enough for that, I’ll never be able to make it up to you. But I do want to fix things, I want that intimacy back that has always been so strong between us.”

“I want that too,” Bernie whispers, catches the hand on her stomach and squeezes it, “And we can fix it, I know we can because you're stuck with me and I'm stuck with you and that's how it's meant to be.” As Bernie talks Serena's mouth begins to track over her shoulder and her neck, the atmosphere is heavy and charged and she groans when her wife hits a particularly sensitive spot until she is hovering over her.

“No more words,” she husks, “show me, let me show you.”

* * *

  
Serena is collapsed on top of Bernie, her face buried in her neck and the blonde can feel the tears pooling against her skin, wraps her arms around her wife's waist and holds her as close as she can, whispers comforting words in her ear. It has been an intense hour or so, both of them rediscovering each other slowly, tenderly and Bernie will admit that she feels the press of tears behind her eyes, in the back of her throat. She loves this woman with all of her heart, can’t believe she let the silly things get between them before their world imploded, the hospital politics, the strained relationship they shared with Ellie, Cam’s crisis of faith in his career, they let all of it build between them until there was a hole between them that only got wider when Ellie died. A hole that it slowly but surely getting smaller.

“You're ok, I’ve got you,” she murmurs into the top of Serena's head, strokes her back where she lies bracketed between her thighs, “I’m not going anywhere, you're safe, I’ve got you.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeeeeh look! Another update, what is going on!  
> A huge thanks goes out to @bealevin on tumblr for this part, thank you for answering my ridiculous messages when I could have just looked at a map myself and for just being a genuinely nice person.  
> Thanks you for every single one of your comments, you're honestly all stars and please come find me over on tumblr (@libstarsr), I don't bite, promise!

The next day is taken up by packing up their belongings, cleaning up their temporary home and traveling. Serena had insisted that for the Europe leg of her travels they do as much driving as they could since places where much closer on the continent than they had been when she was in the state, they pick a car up just before lunch time on their fifth day in Vienna and start heading west. Part of Bernie wishes that they were staying in the city a little longer but she's excited for the rest of their trip, excited for the surprise she has planned when they finally reach Rome.

The drive is definitely part of the adventure, Serena has hired a Lotus Elise, lets Bernie drive first and she knows she grins like an excited teenager when she accepts the keys and slides behind the wheel. They drive quietly for a while, Serena taking in their surroundings while Bernie just enjoys the feel, the power, of the car beneath her. When they get onto the main roads, Serena twists in her seat so she's facing Bernie and the blonde takes her eyes off the road for a second to offer her a smile,

“Ok?” She asks, hand moving from the gear stick to squeeze her wife's knee,

“Perfect,” Serena sighs, and the smile on her face is peaceful. Bernie gives a knowing smirk, understands how good Serena is feeling, because she is feeling that good too. She thinks they will have to go back to Vienna one day and actually see it properly because they had wasted the whole of their last day in bed (and a little bit on the balcony too she thinks with a grin) not that Bernie regrets it. She feels rested, renewed, totally reconnected with her wife and sore, but only in the most delicious ways.

“Hmmm, good,” she smiles, squeezes Serena's fingers when they link with hers, shoots her a wicked grin, “Though maybe when we get to Munich we should make more effort to actually soak up the culture!”

“What if I just speak German in bed, does that count as soaking up the culture?” Serena purrs and Bernie groans, reclaims her hand to scrub at her face. She loves and hates Serena like this I equal measure, loves that her playful side is starting to emerge again, hates that serene can play her so well, that she’s in a position where she can't do anything about it except imagine what Serena would do to her while muttering filth in her ear in German.

“Now, now Major, don’t give yourself an aneurism,” Serena chuckles, low and dirty and Bernie clenches her thighs, shifts slightly in her seat, keeps her eye out for somewhere she can pull over they can swap for a while. She turns to glare at her wife, pokes her tongue out at her as she looks so smug. She knows she can be just as bad sometimes but she always gets pouty when Serena gets the upper hand, she’ll have to plan her revenge carefully.

* * *

  
They end up pulling over at a service station, Serena complaining she needs a comfort break and Bernie deciding a coffee would probably be a good idea especially if she’s going to let Serena drive for a while. They walk hand in hand across the car park, don’t break apart until they go their separate ways, Serena to the bathroom and Bernie in search of coffee. She picks up some snacks, as well as being a sleepy passenger she tends to be a hungry one, a pack of cigarettes to replace the ones they finished the previous night and a bottle of water along with the two coffees. Serena is waiting perched on the bonnet of the car when she emerges, her face turned towards the sun, her neck stretched just so, she looks beautiful and Bernie has to bite down on the image of taking her wife on the bonnet of that equally beautiful car regardless of where they are or who is watching. In the early years of their marriage Bernie had worried that the strong hot spark of attraction, of want, that had always been between them might fizzle out over time especially because she spent so many of those early years away with the army but if anything that spark has gotten stronger and after months of drought it seems to be back with a vengeance.

“Ready to get moving again?” Serena asks, accepts her coffee, squeaks when Bernie kisses her fiercely, traps her between her body and the car, her free hand gripping her hip.

“Now,” Bernie smirks, “Now I'm ready to get moving again.”

* * *

  
The roads into Munich are beautiful and Bernie is glad she isn't driving so she can make the most of it, snaps a few pictures and sends them to the kids, takes a picture of Serena driving, sunglasses on, sun highlighting the grin on her face and sends that to the kids too, tells them she loves them. She chuckles when she receives a reply from Jason immediately,

“What's funny?” Serena asks, takes her eyes briefly off the road to shoot her a raised eyebrow,

“I sent a picture of the view to the kids, Jason claims her has no idea where we are as someone has neglected to update their blog.” Bernie grins, “Cam’s sense of humour really is rubbing off on him isn't it?”

“I wish it wouldn't,” Serena huffs but Bernie knows she is proud of their nephew, of how far he has come, “Having Cam is bad enough, he doesn't need a sidekick.”

“Oh, Cam’s agreed with him, claims he was convinced that you were still in New Orleans and I'd buggered off on holiday on my own.”

“Quite hilarious I'm sure,” Serena snarks.

“Jason wants to know when you plan to update it,”

“Doesn't he realise I have something far better to do with my time now that you are here?”

“I could tell him that but I think the suggestion will be lost on him and scar the other two for the rest of their lives,” Bernie chuckles, “If it’s any consolation, Lottie says they are both idiots.”  
“That’s my girl,” Serena grins, “tell him I’ll update it tonight and that you will help me.”

“I’ll help you?”

“It’s as much your adventure as it is mine now, it's about time you had some input.”

* * *

  
“Have you ever one more than post on this site?” Bernie asks over the top of the laptop. They've settled into their next apartment, explored the close vicinity, eaten some dinner and they are back at their home for the next few days, changed into comfy clothes. Bernie is curled on the sofa with the laptop on her knee while Serena fixes their drinks, beer for Bernie and wine for Serena though it's a Riesling rather than her usual Shiraz.

“What do you mean?” Serena asks, puts the beer into Bernie's outstretched hand then curls up beside her, her chin resting on her shoulder.

“Have you ever looked at your stats, comments?”

“Why bother? The only people reading it are you and the kid, maybe Raf and Fletch.” Serena shrugs and Bernie smirks, navigate the site in a few more clicks, points in triumph at the graph she brings up.

“While I’m sure that’s what you thought the figures seem to speak for themselves,” Bernie says, notes that Serena is slack jawed beside her, the figures are strong, several thousand videos on the best days, never less than a thousand even on the quieter days and the comments, “See that number there,” she nudges, points at the four digits in the corner,

“What's that?” Serena asks, her eyes now glued on the screen, unable to fathom the numbers she is seeing,

“That's the number of pending comments you have.”

“What? How?” Bernie isn't really surprised at the fact that other people have looked at Serena's blog, though she would have thought that the numbers would be in the tens, maybe the low hundreds, rather than the thousands.

“Because you've been honest, real, and somehow you understand how to hashtag.” Bernie laughs, kisses the other woman's temple. Serena's blog had been tough to read at times, because of it’s honesty and the rawness of its emotion. It had begun very much as a travel log but as she’d gotten more comfortable with the act of writing she'd begun to open up about her feelings, the things that had happened to get her to where she was. Jason hadn't liked those posts, wanting facts about the destinations not the emotions that he didn’t quite understand. But Bernie had eaten them up, had loved every one of them, not because they were easy to read, many of them were heartbreaking and left her in tears, but because they meant that Serena was starting to sort through her feelings, that she might even be beginning to heal.

“And that is how many people are following you, I imagine they get an email every time you post something,” Bernie says and Serena gasps,

“Five thousand and thirty one?” She says in awe, “How come you can barely work your mobile phone but you’ve found all of this?”

“Accident.” Bernie shrugs, takes a pull from her beer, “Interesting though isn't it?”

“Hmmmm,” Serena chews on her lips, a crease between her brows that Bernie reaches up to smooth away with her thumb,

“What are you thinking?” She prompts gently,

“I’m just surprised,” she shrugs, “and a little embarrassed, things have gotten quite raw on here a few times.”

“And I imagine that’s part of the reason people have been reading,” Bernie offers a smile, kisses her wife gently, “Do you want to read some of the comments?”

“Can we write an update first? Or maybe you should write an introduction since it's not just the kids reading.”

“Sure,” Bernie's grin shifts into a smirk, “Anything you don't want me to include?”

“Say what you like,” Serena challenges, “Just remember, our kids, our nephew and probably half of the hospital read this, they aren't just faceless strangers."

* * *

 

_Bernie's first blog…because witty one liners are Serena's thing._   
_By now you’ve all heard of me though you have no idea what I look like. Serena tends to refer to me as Bernie, Berenice if I'm in trouble, darling, or sweetheart, or love if she wants something! Others call me Bernie, Bern, Major (Serena uses this too, when she's feeling playful,soldier if she's feeling bossy), there's one particular tenacious young man who calls me ‘the blonde job’, my father had a habit of calling me Griz. To the kids I'm mum, or mumma, but mostly now that's just if they want something, to Jason it’s Auntie Bernie._   
_I've been told to introduce myself because in the last half hour I've blown Serena's mind. My dear wife has been under the impression that, for the last three months, the only people reading this blog have been family, I have shattered her illusions and made her aware of exactly how many of you are out there, so hello._   
_I joined Serena in Vienna five days ago, and we've now moved to Munich, making the drive today. I have missed my wife, the last three months have been the longest we have been apart since I traveled with the army but I understand why she needed to take this trip and why the first part had to be alone._   
_When we lost our daughter, our baby, I almost lost my wife too, emotionally if not physically, the words Serena has used to describe her life since only tell part of the story, the other part something that will remain in emotional scars for both of us, for our children, for the rest of our lives. While she has been away I have tried to carry on as normal, I continued to work for a while, until I realised that I was burying myself in work and not processing or dealing with anything that has happened. I’ve been away from the hospital for a month, I've worked through some things but I still have a way to go. Being with Serena is helping, seeing how much better she is now compared to how she was when she left our home and set out traveling, is helping. My hope for the next few weeks is that we continue to help each other rather than work against each other._   
_I recognise that there will still be bad days, that we will never stop missing or remembering our little girl, but now I think we can both see that it will become easier with time, especially now we are together again._   
_Thank you for going on this journey with Serena even if she has been blissfully unaware that any of you exist! I'm going to sign off for now, help Serena go through some of your messages._   
_Until next time,_   
_B_

* * *

 

“It’s perfect,” Serena says, leaning against Bernie's see to read the post once she’s written and published it, “Though I still hate this picture.” Bernie smiles, shrugs her shoulders,

“I like it,” she’d taken it the previous day in the small amount of time they had spent out of bed and on the balcony. The sun was setting casting them in an orange glow, Serena's face is make up free and relaxed, she’s grinning directly into the camera, smile wide and eyes shining, Bernie's forehead s resting against Serena's temple, her eyes are closed but the smile on her face is unmistakable. Bernie loves it, thinks it perfectly captures how the day had made them both feel, tells Serena as much.

“How about we get comfortable in bed, start having a look at some of these messages?” She suggests, is curious about what people have to say, is curious to see how Serena reacts.

* * *

 

After an hour they've barely made it through a handful of messages, all of them lengthy and heartfelt and Serena takes time replying to each one. She admits that part of her is glad she didn't know about them earlier, doesn't think she would have been able to process them, make herself answer them in the early days. Bernie watches her with pride, proud that she's gotten so far, proud with the way she thoughtfully answers each one, a community of strangers brought together by a common experience, grief. Some are further along in their journey than Serena, for others it's fresh but they all seem intent on helping each other out.

After a few more hours it becomes apparent that catching up with the comments is going to take a lot of work, every time Serena reads and replies to one, two seem to take its place and Bernie can see Serena flagging, can feel her own eyes starting to struggle with sleep.

“Come on, time for sleep,” she says when Serena's finished and saved her latest reply, “these will still be here in the morning,”Serena nods, clicks the laptop closed and slides it onto the bedside table, “Ok?”

“Yeah,” Serena sighs, moves so she’s curled against Bernie's side, presses a kiss to her shoulder, “It’s nice to know I've been helping people all this time.” Bernie kisses her, pulls her closer and allows herself to drift off, lulled into sleep by the sound of Serena's even breaths and the sounds of a new city outside the Windows waiting to be explored


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pretty much 100% hate this but huge thanks has to go to @bialevin on tumblr for being a top notch sounding board and also to all you lovelies who leave lovely comments every time I post.
> 
> I think I need to try and get some one shots out to try and get me out of this funk so if you have any requests hit me up. 
> 
> I love you all, you're rock stars!

Bernie wakes up alone the net morning but she can hear the tell tale click of the laptop keys before she opens her eyes and allows herself to drift a little longer. She still feels peaceful, well rested, like a weight has been lifted between her and Serena which means they can really start moving forward. There's still so much they need to talk about which reaches far, far beyond Ellie but she knows now that they are moving in the right direction, thinks that maybe, by the time she goes back home, they could very much go back to being ‘them’. Serena is already more tactile than she has been in about six months, the easy touches that have always been so indicative of their relationship slowly creeping back in, Serena curling up against her in bed, initiating contact, a revelation after months of going to bed alone or lying side by side but feeling miles apart, a chasm of hurtful words and bad feeling between them. Bernie wonders, if not for losing Ellie, how long they would have let it go on between them, whether it would have gotten to the point where it just wasn't fixable. She snaps her eyes open at that, doesn't want to take that thought any further, and takes a deep breath, rolls onto her side so she can watch Serena across the room.

The brunette is sat at the small kitchen table, a pot of coffee beside her as she types away, her glasses lying crooked on her face and an oversized cardigan hanging off one shoulder showing off the uninterrupted expanse of creamy skin from neck to upper arm. The image makes her grin and she grabs for her phone, snaps a few pictures, it's something she wants to do more, capture moments, preserve memories, if losing Ellie has taught her anything its that you never quite know what is going to happen, what you might wish you had a better memory of. She knows that Serena will hate the picture, complain that her glasses are wonky, that her hair is sticking up on end from where she has slept on it, that her tongue is poked out in concentration but to Bernie it's perfect, the Serena that only she gets to see.   
  
"What are you grinning at?" Serena asks and Bernie catches her eye, grinning wider,  
  
"Juts you," she shrugs, swings her legs of the bed and sits up, "is there any coffee left?"  
  
"Probably enough for one mug," Serena says and Bernie pushes herself up, wanders to the small kitchenette for a mug and then back to the table.  
  
"Morning," she presses a kiss to Serena's head as she fills the mug, leans her hip against the table and takes her first fortifying sip, "replying to more messages?"  
  
"Yep," Serena sighs, leans back in her chair and pushes her glasses up onto her head so she can look at Bernie, "I didn't sleep brilliantly, thought I might as well do something productive."  
  
"You should have woken me,"  
  
"You were fast asleep and I'm fine, honestly," Bernie didn't buy it for a minute, "I've only been up a couple of hours and I've managed to get through quite a few replies."  
  
"Anything interesting?"  
  
"More of the same really, people sharing their stories though I have started to come across some repeat visitors."  
  
"That's good, means people are really interested."  
  
"It's like a little community," Serena says and she smiles, her eyes twinkling, "There's a couple here for you too, I can only imagine the first one is from Cam." Serena turns the laptop so she can see and Bernie bends down, squints, then reaches for the glasses on Serena's head and perches them on her nose.  
  
_'Major when she's feeling playful, soldier when she's feeling bossy!' Really mum? Chances are you've made me blind!_  
  
Bernie chuckles, takes one look at the screen name and confirms it's Cam before penning a reply.  
  
"So," she asks once she's finished, pushed herself back to her feet and handed Serena her glasses back, "What's the plan for today?"  
  
"I thought we could head to the Marienplatz and go from there. There's plenty to see just in the square," Serena smiles, reaches out to stroke her fingers over Bernie's hip, digits slipping just under the fabric, "And I'm sure we can find you somewhere to get a beer."  
  
"Sounds perfect," Bernie agrees, trails her fingers over Serena's wrist, circles over her pulse point, "I'm going to get a shower, then we'll head out for breakfast."  
  
"OK," Serena nods and Bernie bends down to kiss her cheek, drains her coffee mug and wanders off to the bathroom.

* * *

  
She's a little surprised when, ten minutes later, the door to the shower slides open behind her, cool air skittering across her bare back before it is warmed by Serena's body molding against hers. Serena does nothing but slide her arms around Bernie's waist and press her face into her back and all Bernie can do is stand there until the grip on her waist loosens and she can turn to face her wife. Gently, she cups her chin and tilts her face until she can meet Serena's eyes. frowns when she sees, despite the water falling down on them, that Serena is crying.  
  
"Hey," she murmurs lightly, strokes her fingers over her cheek, "What's going on?" Serena shrugs, shakes her head, sighs and all Bernie can do is fold her up in her arms and hold her close. Too soon the water starts running cold and Bernie washes them both quickly and then leads Serena out into the bathroom, wraps her in a towel before wrapping herself in her own. Serena has stopped crying but her eyes are still downcast, her face sad, Bernie has no idea what has brought this on, but is willing to wait it out, knows Serena will talk if and when she is ready.   


* * *

  
Serena doesn't talk about it all day but Bernie watches her relax in increments as they wander, relaxes herself when Serena laughs honestly at something she says, links her arm, practically hugging it with both of her own. Munich is truly beautiful, the architecture like nothing Bernie has ever seen before and they spend a long morning wandering the Marienplatz, take in the New Town Hall, the Glockenspiel, before they find a quiet café for a late lunch. Bernie opts for a beer while Serena sticks to water, ignore Bernie's raised eyebrow. They don't talk much, both getting lost in people watching, content to sit together and share this common experience.

* * *

  
Serena slips her hand into hers when they leave the café to wander, slipping in and out of shops and soaking up the city in a different way to what they had done that morning. They still don't really talk much but it's comfortable between them and Bernie leans to kiss Serena's temple, smiles when she looks up at her. They take photos for the blog, Bernie makes sure to take plenty of the landmarks as well as silly selfies, the landmarks mostly for Jason, the selfies mostly an attempt to cheer Serena up. It's clear her wife is having a tough day but she's intent on doing everything she can to make it even a little bit better.

* * *

 

It all backfires in her face when she presents Serena with a necklace she had spent a lot of time looking at in a small silver shop that Bernie had snuck back to buy, claiming she'd left her sunglasses behind and Serena bursts into tears, almost doubles over with the intensity of her sobs.  
  
"Hey," she soothes, drops the jewelry box onto the coffee table and engulfs Serena in an embrace, tightens her grip when Serena struggles, tries to break away, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm not letting you go," she whispers, doesn't relax her hold even when Serena stops fighting, just slumps against her and continues to cry.   
  
"You're ok," she whispers again, strokes her fingers through her wife's hair, rocks them both slightly, starts to hum something she vaguely remembers Serena singing to the children years before, doesn't stop until she knows that the other woman has stopped crying, slumped fully against her.  
  
"That's almost the tune," she chuckles wetly against Bernie's neck, rubs her face against the skin there,  
  
"Hey, I never claimed I could hold a tune," Bernie offers, massages the back of her wife's neck knowing that she will be getting a headache, "What's going on today darling?"  
  
"Honestly?" Serena sighs, leans back a little and rubs at her face, "I don't know, I just feel all off balance,"  
  
"Why don't we have a lie down?" Bernie suggests, "I can see you are getting a headache."  
  
"I can go on my own," Serena sighs, "You don't have to."  
  
"No, but I want to, come one." she leads Serena to the bed, pushes her down gently and kneels to slip her feet out of her shoes the encourages her under the duvet. Quickly, she slips out of her own shoes and shimmies out of her skinny jeans before she slides in beside her. Serena makes quick work of curling around the blonde, pillowing her head on her shoulder.  
  
"I love you Serena," she says lightly, kisses the top of her head, "No matter how you feel or what you think, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"I love you too Bernie, I promise to try to be better."

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not thrilled with his chapter but I've tried to write it so many times that I felt like I just needed to get it out so I could move on. Up next: date night and then Bernie has another surprise. 
> 
> You guys are awesome. Honestly. Thanks for all the love!

The rest of their stay in Munich is much the same. They soak up the history, do a little shopping and Bernie drinks as much good beer as she can get her hands on, wishes they were there a little later so they could have gotten involved with Oktoberfest. Serena's mood is up and down, more so than it has been since Bernie arrives so she keeps a close eye on her, holds her a little tighter when she seems like she might crack, does everything she can to make her smile, delights the few times she manages to make her laugh. It's exhausting, but if it's what Serena needs then it's what she'll do, because for better or worse, she loves this woman, will give her everything to protect her, to make sure she's ok.

They write a blog together on their last night, Bernie persuaded Serena to include some of their selfies alongside all of the tourist pictures, thinks the personal touch is important now that they know so many people are following their story. Serena lets her do most of the work, is distant as she sips her single glass of wine, and as soon as Bernie clicks publish she slides the laptop off her knee and wraps Serena up in her arms.

"Hey," she murmurs against the top of her head, "what's going on?"

"Our daughter is dead," Serena says nonchalantly, burrows into Bernie's arms despite her aloof tone, "our daughter is dead, I can't mend my relationship with her and I'm terrified that one day you'll realise that it's my fault that you're relationship with her suffered too and that I'll lose you as well." Bernie is still for a long moment, wonders briefly if Serena might say more and when she doesn't, tightens her embrace, a part of her has wondered how long it would take for the guilt to appear, for Serena to start blaming herself for absolutely everything.

"Our daughter is dead," she agrees quietly, "and you're right, we'll never get to fix our relationship with her, but I have no doubt that, in the end, she knew exactly how much we loved her, how much we treasured her, how much she was always our baby no matter how big she got. Yes, in the end, her relationship with both of us had broken down and I know that with you it started happening long before that. But what happened between me and her, none of that was your fault." Bernie takes a deep breath and presses a kiss to Serena's head, breathes her in, knows it's time Serena knew exactly what happened between them, what lead to their daughter walking out of both of their lives. "Ellie asked me for money and I said no, maybe I should have seen it then, or asked more questions, I can't remember the exact figure but it was big and she wouldn't tell me what it was for, said it was for uni, for a trip, but couldn't give me details, couldn't even tell me where she was going. I told her that unless she could tell me exactly where the money was going, what she was spending it on, I couldn't give it to her and that was it. She said some less than complimentary things about me, suggested that if I loved her at all I would never have asked any questions, I would never have left her to go away with the army, and that was it. She didn't speak to me again until she was admitted into the hospital and even that was only enough to tell me it was all my fault."

"Oh darling," Serena sobs, "why did you never say anything, none of this was your fault, you weren't to know."

"I should have asked more questions, should have done more digging, should have known that there was no way Ellie would just give up if she really wanted something."

"Our daughter has always been headstrong, she gets it as much from me as she does from you. You couldn't have known darling, this isn't your fault."

"But it isn't yours either," Bernie frowns, reaches for Serena's hand and squeezing her fingers, "we can't keep doing this to ourselves, to each other and I will repeat as often as you need to hear it, I love you, you're stuck with me and I'm never going anywhere."

* * *

 

They fly to Rome the next morning and Bernie is glad that Serena hadn't insisted that they drive this part, prefers the hour and a half flight to the thought of several days driving. Serena is asleep almost the minute they are in the air, her head pillowed on Bernie's shoulder and Bernie takes another picture as she turns to kiss her head, sends it to the kids and then pulls out the book Charlotte gave her, barely half read, and loses herself for the whole flight. Serena wakes again about an hour in but says nothing, nuzzles further into Bernie's shoulder, links their fingers and gazed out of the window, watches Rome take shape beneath the clouds.

Bernie had taken responsibility for their stay in Rome, needed to be in control of everything to make sure she could pull her surprise off. They are staying in a hotel this time and Serena gasps when Bernie lets them into their suite, turns to look at her wife with eyes like saucers.

"What?" Bernie chuckles, loops her arms round Serena's waist and kisses her temple, it is extravagant, she can't deny that, but Serena is totally worth it, "I wanted to treat you."

"You spoil me Berenice Wolfe," she chuckles, begins to wander around, sticks her head round first one bedroom door then the next, "two bedrooms?" She asks with a raised eyebrow and Bernie shrugs.

"It's all they had and I fell in love with the hotel, thought if I got fed up with your snoring I could sleep in the spare bed."

"I do not snore," Serena chastises, seats at Bernie's stomach as she passes, "I think I've just found the reason you loved the hotel so much," Bernie moves behind her and loops her arms around her waist, looks into the room, her chin resting on her wife's shoulder, the bathroom is stunning, a large jacuzzi bath, a large double shower with a marble bench at one end, she can deny that it's one of the reasons she picked the hotel.

"This and the view," she says, kisses Serena's shoulder and tugs her by the wrist towards the floor to ceiling windows, puts herself behind Serena again so they can both look out at the city below.

"Wow," Serena sighs, relaxes back into Bernie's body and links their fingers together on her stomach.

"Something else isn't it?" The view is second to none and Bernie thinks she would have stayed in a hostel if it meant being able to look out at this view in the morning, Rome and Vatican City spread out beneath them.

"Definitely," Serena sighs again, "what are our plans for the rest of the day oh great one?"

"There aren't any," Bernie shrugs, chuckles when Serena shoots a disbelieving look over her shoulder, "what? Everything else is planned to perfection but today, well, today I thought we could relax, I've booked us a table in the restaurant downstairs for tonight but other than that we can do whatever, have a bath, curl up and look at the view, go for a walk, whatever my lady desires."

"Anything," Serena asks, flutters her eyelashes and Bernie chuckles, leans down to kiss her, lingers slightly.

"Anything."

* * *

They end up having a nap, curled in their underwear in the middle of their fourposter bed, Serena's head resting against Bernie's stomach. Bernie doesn't plan to go to sleep, is happy just to lie there while Serena gets some rest but one minute she's trailing her fingers through Serena's hair and the next she is waking, her bladder uncomfortably full and her stomach rumbling. She checks the clock when she comes back from the bathroom and realises it's past lunch time, sits down beside Serena and rubs her fingers through her hair,

"Darling," she says gently, "Serena, time to wake up."

"Hmph," Serena groans, rolls into her back and forces her eyes open and Bernie smiles down at her, strokes her cheek.

"I'm starving, I was going to run out and get some lunch but I didn't want to go without letting you know where I was headed."

"Give me five minutes and I'll come with," Serena offers, pushes herself up, steals a kiss, "sleeping all day isn't going to help my sleeping pattern."

* * *

 

They find lunch, wander some more, pause in a park to talk to Jason on the phone, listen to his tales of the hospital, the gossip surrounding Jac Naylor and Matteo, the plans for Mo's leaving party. Bernie files the information away for later, plans to email Mo and set up a Skype chat with the younger woman, knows that Serena will want to speak to her before she goes, wants to speak to her herself, knows she will be a big miss in the hospital. By the time they make it back to the hotel it's almost time to get ready for dinner, and Bernie opens the wardrobe, pulls out two suit bags and holds one out for Serena.

"What's this?" She asks, taking it curiously and Bernie just smiles, shakes her head,

"Just a little something to wear for dinner. I'm going to shower quickly then I'll run you a bath. I'll meet you down in the bar when you're done." Bernie wants them to have a proper date, had it planned out to the minute details, "there's a pair of shoes by the door for when you're ready."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thi has been such a struggle, in fact writing anything has been a struggle this week hence the lack of updates, this hasn't ended up the way I planned it at all and I hope it's not as much of a disappointment to you guys as it is to me.
> 
> I've got some one shot prompts to work on some hopefully one of them will spark my interest, fingers crossed at least.
> 
> If it wasn't for you guys I would have given up writing this at all several times over by now so thank you for always being so smashing and supportive.

Bernie sits at the bar, sipping at her scotch for so long that she begins to think that Serena has gotten lost, finishes texting Charlotte about their plans for the next day and is about to head back to the room to check on her wife when she turns round and finds her sauntering into the bar, catching the eye of more than a few of the other patrons. Bernie can’t blame them because yet again her wife looks gorgeous, it isn’t just the dress though she does congratulate herself on the choice because it fits her like a glove, but rather everything about her, she oozes confidence and for the first time in months her eyes are sparkling, that extra little sway in her hips that has driven Bernie mad in the past and no doubt will again, it’s an intrinsic part of her wife that has been missing for far too long and even if it disappears after tonight she can live with that, live with the knowledge that it isn’t lost for good. She stands to greet her, holds her at arms length so she can take in every detail and then kisses her on the cheek, signals to the barman to pour the brunette drink.

“You look stunning,” she murmurs, and Serena grins, lets her eyes rake over Bernie too, Bernie doesn’t miss the way her eyes darken, can’t miss the way her hand grabs for her waist, her wife nails digging lightly into her hip,

“I could say the same for you,” she murmurs, her heels and Bernie’s brogues evening out their heights so that she doesn’t have to press up onto her toes to kiss the blonde, lingers with their noses pressed together, “where have you been hiding this?” She asks, rubs the lapels of the jacket between her thumb and finger, tugs Bernie closer again through that single point of contact.

“Well I knew you were going to look good so I thought I should make an effort,” Bernie grins, reaches up to stroke her fingers through the hair at Serena’s temples, she knows from the look on Serena’s face that she has succeeded, the glint in her eye a dead giveaway as to how she is feeling and Bernie can’t help but wish she’d thought to pack a little extra accessory that would have only improved the whole experience because her plans don’t end with dinner, far from it, and she can tell by the look on her wife’s face that she’s on exactly the same page.

“I can’t wait for you to fuck me later,” Serena murmurs, confirms that she is on the same page as the blonde, saunters off to the restaurant with an extra sway in her hips, throws a wink over her shoulder.

* * *

 

The glint in the brunettes eye doesn’t disappear when they are seated and she makes a point of moving her chair so that are sat at a right angle to each other, chuckles lightly as the waiter almost trips over himself to move the place setting.

“Be nice,” Bernie chides lightly but she’s smiling too as she slides into her seat, isn’t surprised when Serena’s hand lands on her thigh, much higher than is appropriate, the minute they are settled.

“I’m always nice,” Serena flutters her eyelashes and Bernie laughs, a full, honking laugh that draws the attention of the diners around them and earns her a mushy look from Serena, “Thanks you for the dress by the way, it really is perfect.”

“You’re very welcome,” Bernie smiles, brushes her fingers briefly over her wife’s cheek, “Though it was perfectly selfish on my part,”

“Worth it?”

“More than,” she agrees, kisses her quickly, “Lottie helped with the shoes, you know I’ve always been useless at that,”

“Well she gave very good advice,” Serena smiles, squeezes Bernie’s thigh. The waiter arrives and Bernie scans the menu quickly, orders for them both in halting Italian, tries to ignore Serena’s dexterous fingers tracing patterns Giants the inseam of her trousers, purposefully hitting all of the sensitive spots on her inner thigh.

* * *

 

Her wife is extremely playful for the whole of dinner and it’s wonderful to see the glint that has been missing from her eyes, the constant gentle touches returned with a vengeance and Bernie allows herself to enjoy every minute of it. This easy physicality has been between them since the first time they met.

Serena had brought out a side of Bernie that had surprised the blonde and made her uncomfortable for a while because it was so far removed from what she was used to. Growing up watching her mother and father (she didn’t blame it on them being a military family because army life had made her more, not less open) had somewhat skewed her idea of what relationships were supposed to be like, she had never seen her parents show any signs of affection towards each other, had never really bee hugged much especially by her father and Serena’s easy physicality had made her flinch for a while. The brunette was by no means her first partner but she had been the first to fully break down Bernie’s well built walls. It had surprised her at first, Serena’s ease with sharing her emotions compared to her experience of stoicism and a big old helping of British reserve and it had taken her months to learn how to respond to the behaviour, years and becoming a mother to be as free with her feelings as her wife. As difficult as it had been to get used to at the time, a lifetime together was enough for Bernie to know that she didn’t want to live without that side of Serena and the last six months have only cemented that.

* * *

 

“Anything else planned for this lovely evening?” Serena asks as they are finishing their after dinner coffee and Bernie looks at her through her fringe with a small smile,

“I thought a little walk,” she shrugs, “maybe a little dancing?” She chuckles when Serena’s face lights up, leans to press a kiss to her cheek, “That a yes?”

“You know a place?”

“There’s a jazz club a few streets away, live music every night.” They haven’t really gone dancing together in years and it’s another thing that Bernie wants to reintroduce into their lives, recognises that life is just too short not to do the things you love with the people you love.

“Oh you are spooling me,” Serena grins, “lead the way Major.”

They walk close together, Serena’s hand tucked into the crook of Bernie’s elbow and enjoy the warmth of the night. It’s only just starting to get dark and the city is stuck in that strange liminal space between day and night, a mix of people on the streets some heading home, others heading out for the night. They find the club easily and Bernie pays the door charge, leads Serena in by the hand. It’s still quiet but, as promised, there is a band playing from the small stage and Bernie leads Serena to the bar, traps her against the wood with her front pressed to the brunettes back, her hands resting at either side of her waist on the bar top.

“Drink for the lady?” She asks, drops a kiss onto Serena’s bare shoulder, smiles at the barman who is cleaning glasses with a rag as he wanders towards them,

“I’ll have what you’re having,” Serena shrugs and Bernie moves a hand to her waist, squeezes lightly and raises a questioning eyebrow, she’s been drinking scotch all night, never mixes her spirits and it’s not often Serena is happy to join her in that endeavour, “Something about Jazz makes me want something a bit dark,” is her reply and Bernie shrugs, orders for them. Serena’s hips have already started to sway to the music and as soon as they have their drinks in hand Bernie leads her onto the dance floor, plucks the drink from her hand and settles it on the table closest to them where she can keep an eye on it while still enjoying herself. She lets Serena decide on position, is only half surprised when she turns her back on her, draws her hands to settle on her hips as their bodies sway.

“I don’t remember the last time we danced,”

“Morven and Arthur’s wedding?” Bernie isn’t convinced there has been an opportunity since then, can’t believe that if she’s right, it’s been over two years since they danced together. Serena spins in her arms, rests her arms across Bernie’s shoulders, their foreheads together,

“Too long then,” she murmurs, hums contentedly when Bernie slides her hands over her shoulders, down her back before pausing at her waist and drawing them closer together, “I want to change that when I get home, I want to change a lot of things.”

“And we will,” Bernie agrees, there’s lots she wants to change too but she wants to keep the mood positive tonight so she takes Serena by surprise and spins her out, thrills at the giggle she pulls from her, and pulls her back in even closer than before.

* * *

 

They are still in the club at midnight, it’s crowded and hot but they barely notice because they are so wrapped up in each other. They are pressed as close together as they can get and its nothing to do with the crowded dance floor around them and everything to do with their desire to remain close to each other, Bernie is holding Serena by her hips and Serena’s arms remain around her neck, fingers toying with the hairs at the nape of her neck. Their kisses are messy and almost constant, Bernie’s hand occasionally drifts down over her wife’s backside and the air between them is charged. There’s a little voice in the back of Bernie’s head reminding her that they have quite rigid plans for the next day but it’s easy enough to ignore when Serena’s tongue is in her mouth and their hips are swaying together.

It’s Serena who drags them off the dance floor in the end, Serena who surprises Bernie by dragging her toward the toilets rather than towards the door. Serena doesn’t care if the place is empty, drags her into a cubicle, closes the door with Bernie’s back against it.

“Darling we have a totally useable hotel room not five minutes away,” she groans as the brunettes lips descend across her neck, down her jaw, and her hands start to fumble with the fastening of Bernie’s trousers, she can’t deny she’s been ready all night but she did have plans and they certainly didn’t involve getting fucked in a club toilette,

“Can’t wait,” Serena moans when her hands slips past the barrier of Bernie’s trousers and into wet heat, Bernie swallowing her own moan and thumping her head back against the door, “Need to feel you,” it’s all over quicker than Bernie expects, her orgasm hitting her like a steam train, leaving her gasping for breath and clinging onto Serena to keep her upright while Serena strokes her hair and looks smug.

“Fuck Serena,” she groans when she once again has the faculty for speech, straightens up and tugs Serena close by the hips, kisses her fiercely, “Where the fuck did that come from?”

“Don’t pretend like you haven’t been goading me most of the night Berenice Wolfe,” Serena chuckles, “You knew exactly what you were doing when you put on this suit.” Bernie just grins, there’s no point trying to lie when Serena can read her so well.

“No comment,” she smirks, trails her own fingers down her wife’s throat, follows them into her cleavage with her eyes,

“Take me to bed Major.” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only apologise for any glaring errors in this, it's after midnight and I'm decidedly blurry eyes but wanted to get this finished and posted.
> 
> Thanks as always for all of the encouragement, you guys are amazing :)

Bernie is the first to wake, groans as the sun shining through the open curtains bounces directly across her closed eyelids. Scrubbing at her face she pushes herself up and casts her eyes around, Serena is still sleeping beside her, the duvet up over her head and her face practically pressed into Bernie’s hip, their clothes are strewn everywhere and they clearly had too much else going on when they arrived home the previous night to even attempt to close the curtains. The thought of the previous night tugs a smile to her face and she is settling back, considering ignoring the smell of whiskey and cigarette smoke and sex clinging to her skin a little longer and trying to get some more sleep when the door to the suite opens and closes and she freezes, reaches for her phone with widened eyes when she realises the time.

“Shit!” She mutters, grabs for the tshirt on the floor beside the bed and pulls it on before pushing herself up and in search of pants.

“Hmph, what’s going on?” Serena asks sleepily, watches blearily from the bed as Bernie hops her way into a pair of shorts.

“Nothing darling,” she mutters, bends to kiss Serena’s forehead, “go back to sleep.” She’s already on her way out of the door so doesn’t see that Serena is very much not going back to sleep.

Charlotte is standing in the middle of the suite with wide eyes, her case abandoned by the door but she pivots when she hears Bernie , her eyes going wider still.

“Mum!” She hisses, “what are you still doing here? I thought we were meeting out.”

“That was the plan,” she sighs even as she crosses the room and pulls her daughter into a hug, “Hello darling.”

“Hi,” Charlotte sighs and relaxes into the embrace, Bernie knows from their constant communication outside of the family group message, that she has been struggling having both of her parents away at once, is glad for the opportunity to spend some time with both of them after everything that has happened, “Jesus mum, did you sleep in a whiskey bottle last night?”

“I took your mother to a Jazz Club,” she shrugs, takes a step back and looks her daughter over appraisingly, notes that she’s lost a little too much weight and vows to keep an eye on her while they are together and again when she’s home, “How was your flight?”

“Never mind that, what’s the new plan? I assume mum is still asleep?”

“Berenice Grizelda Wolfe where have you run off to?” Serena says and removes the opportunity for any planning at all, “I had such plans for you this morning and none of them involved leaving that bed.” Bernie groans, scrubs at her face and drops her head so her hair covers her mortification from their daughter who is no doubt smirking, she is not awake enough nor has she had enough coffee for this.

“Lottie, tell me your mother is wearing clothes,” she mutters and Charlotte chuckles,

“She is but it’s going to take a truck load of concealer to hide that hickey,” she laughs, “Hi mum,” Bernie turns when Serena doesn’t appear to move or react and finds her gaping, her eyes suspiciously wet.

“Charlie girl?” She manages eventually and Charlotte moves towards her and pulls her into a hug

“Surprise,” Charlotte murmurs against her shoulder and Bernie’s heart swells to see them both together,

“It is that,” Serena chuckles, but it’s a wet sound and Bernie watches her hold their daughter at arms length and look her over, “What are you doing here?”

“It was mums idea,” Charlotte grins and Serena turns her gaze to Bernie, so full of love that it’s almost painful, “Thought it would be good for both of us.”

“This wasn’t exactly how we planned you finding out,” Bernie adds, “But we rather slept in.”  
“God thank you,” Serena sighs, holds her hand out for Bernie and pulls them both into a hug, kisses both of their cheeks in turn, neither of them draw attention to the tears that have escaped Serena’s eyes, just hold her tight between them, “Both of you, this is perfect.”

“So,” Bernie says after they have shared a quiet moment together, “Original plan ruined so how’s about we all have a quick shower and then go for breakfast?”

“Mum, it’s almost lunch time,” Charlotte chuckles and Bernie sticks her tongue out at her, nudges her with her shoulder,

“Late breakfast then,” she shrugs, “I’ll go have a quick shower, Lottie your mum will show you your room.” She kisses each of them on the cheek again then wanders towards that aster bedroom, is almost through the door when Serena’s indignant voice breaks the silence,

“The bloody room, it had nothing to do with falling in love with the hotel and them not having anything smaller did it?”

“Nope,” Bernie smirks over her shoulder, can see that even though Serena looks cross it’s only because she has had the wool pulled over her eyes and it can’t diminish the smile on her face. “Good excuse though wasn’t it?”

* * *

 

She spends the day trailing around behind her wife and daughter who take it in turns to point things out, architecture, tourist attractions, the next boutique they want to go into. She spends more on them than perhaps she should, can’t help it when she see the way their faces light up, the huge smiles they both wear. It’s been far too long since either of them have had this uninterrupted happiness and she will keep it going for as long as she can.

Early evening they head back to the hotel to get ready for dinner, in her research Charlotte had found a vegetarian place she wanted to try and so they agree to that, splitting off once they are through the door to their respective bedrooms. Bernie’s finds herself with her arms full of Serena the minute she turns from closing the door and she holds her tight, presses a tender kiss to her crown.

“Thank you,” she breathes against Bernie’s neck, they’ve not really had any time alone since Charlotte arrived, “thank you so much for this, for everything,”

“You don’t have to thank me, I knew it would do you both good to see each other, she’s missed you.”

“I’ve missed them too,” Serena sighs, tips her head back to look Bernie in the face, “All three of them, I wish I hadn’t had to leave them, leave any of you.”

“We all know that,” Bernie soothes, reaches up to stroke her cheek, “But we all understand why you needed too,”

“I love you darling,”

“I love you too, now come on, let’s get changed and take our daughter for something to eat.”

They potter around in silence for a while, Serena applying her make up, Bernie mostly killing time, knowing she’ll be ready in five minutes flat and not wanting to rush, knowing that both her wife and daughter will take at least an hour. She’s sitting on the bed behind Serena at the vanity when her wife looks up and catches her eye, looks sad for a moment.

“I’m not crazy, she has lost a lot of weight hasn’t she?” She says carefully and Bernie can only nod gently

“She has, especially since I’ve been here, it started when Robyn left and I knew she’d been struggling with both of us gone but…”

“At least part of this is my fault,” Serena sighs, drops her head, and Bernie can see that she is toying with her necklace, pushes herself up so she is stood behind her wife and rubs her shoulders,

“Look at me,” she urges and Serena turns her face up so their eyes meet in the mirror, “None of it is your fault, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just how our little girl deals with stressful situations and we’ve had plenty of those recently. We can make sure she eats while we are here and then when I go home she’ll be staying at the house so I can keep any eye on her.”

“Have I mentioned that I love you?” Serena sighs, leans back into Bernie’s body, “Because I do.”

“Maybe once or twice but I never get bored of hearing it.”

* * *

  
Having Charlotte with them breathes new light into Serena that Bernie can only hope she keeps a hold of. As the week goes on she continues to treat her girls, they see the sights, she pays for them to spend an afternoon in the hotel spa and they do more shopping than Bernie ever thought was possible. It’s perfect, the time away from everything to really spend time with their daughter, and Bernie can see that Charlotte is beginning to heal to.

Charlottes final day with them comes far too quickly and signifies that it’s time for them to move on to their last leg of the trip together. The night before they al fly out of Rome they have one sat dinner together, share a bottle of wine and walk back to the hotel in the warm night air. They gather around the lounge area and Bernie opens another bottle as they talk, about Serena’s travels, Charlotte’s plans when she get home, and it’s perfect. It’s Serena who drifts off first, the last few nights sleep has been tough and Bernie isn’t surprised, knows her wife battled the exhaustion she was feeling so she could spend the extra time with their daughter.

“She’s better I think, than I thought she was going to be.” Charlotte murmurs after a few moments, once she is sure that Serena has really dropped off, “She’s going to be OK isn’t she?”

“She gets a title better every day,” Bernie sighs, loops her arm around Charlotte’s shoulder and pulls her into an embrace, “There’s still hard days, probably will always be hard days, but I think she’s getting there, slowly but surely.”

“I miss her,” Charlotte sighs and Bernie squeezes her shoulder, kisses the top of her head, “I miss you both,”

“I know darling, but I’ll be home soon and hopefully your mum won’t be far behind me and we can start trying to get back to normal.”

“Do you think mum would mind if I posted something on the blog?”

“I don’t see why,” Bernie shrugs, “Want the laptop?”

“Can you log me in on mine?” Charlotte asks, leaning up and pulling her Mac towards her, smiles when Bernie logs her in,

“I should get your mum to bed, don’t stay up to late yeah?” Bernie kisses their daughter and gives her one final squeeze before pushing to her feet and moving to Serena’s side. Charlotte watches her coax the brunette awake enough to get her to her feet, help her shuffle towards the bedroom. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen two people so suited to each other as her parents, loves the way they love each other nod their family, strongly, fiercely and unconditionally. She knows Bernie isn’t her mother by blood but in all the ways that count she is the best mumma a girl could ask for and Charlotte can’t imagine her life without Bernie in it. She watches the video load onto the blog server her parents are using and tries not to dwell to heavily on the next day, on the fact she has to leave them, she knows Bernie will be home in less than a week but none of them know how far behind her Serena will be, can only hope that she will come back at all, and Charlotte knows that Bernie will only be half a person until Serena returns to her side. With a sigh she leavers herself to her feet, the light has gone off in the master bedroom and silence has fallen over the suite, it’s past time she went to bed too, can only hope that sleep comes easily.

* * *

  
At the airport the next day they hold each other tightly and say their goodbyes.

“I’ll see you in a week mum,” Charlotte says, squeezing the blonde woman tightly, “Cam says if you give him the time he’ll get you from the airport.”

“I’ll speak to him later in the week,” Bernie agrees, “And tell Jason that since I’ll be home early on Tuesday, he’s invited for fish and chip tea, you all are.”

“He’ll be thrilled,” Charlotte smiles and then turns to Serena who is trying and failing to hold her tears, “I love you mum,” she whispers, pulling the woman into a fierce embrace and Bernie can only watch, know she needs to let them have their proper goodbye, “I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“I promise,” Serena agrees, “Soon,”

When Charlotte’s boarding is called Bernie pulls Serena to her side and they watch their daughter disappear through security and towards their plane. Serena is out and out crying now and Bernie tucks her firmly into her side, drops kisses to her head.

“We still have a little while before we have to be at the gate, why don’t we go and find coffee, maybe check out what Charlotte posted to the blog last night?”

“She what?” Serena asks, scrubbing at her face, allows herself to be lead to the nearest coffee shop,

“She asked if she could add something last night, I didn’t think you’d mind.” Once they have their coffees they huddle around Bernie’s phone and she opens the website, finds that Charlotte has posted nothing but a link to YouTube. Bernie hits play and they watch in silence, the video is made up of clips from their time spent together, there is no sound, only a track playing quietly in the background that she recognises as one of their daughters favourites, the video is filled with footage of them laughing, smiling, all three of them together, separately, paired off, Bernie has no idea how Charlotte got all of the footage, had no idea that she had been filming anything but is glad she did is glad they have this solid memory of all the little things that would probably slip their minds about this trip in a few years time.

“Talented one, our daughter,” Bernie says when it’s finished, turns to Serena and finds her wife smiling too, bright and pure, “And sneaky, I had not idea she filmed any of that.”

“Only uses her powers for good though,” Serena chuckles, leans to kiss Bernie lightly, “Last leg of the trip.”

“Last leg of the trip,” Bernie agrees, strokes her thumb over her wife’s cheek bone, “But let’s not dwell on that, let’s just enjoy it.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's time for Bernie to head home so, fair warning, if you're looking for something happy and warm to read this isn't it!
> 
> This will be my last update for about a week, I head off to Poacher with my guides on Saturday and while I'll have more than enough time to write it will all be by hand and I won't be able to word process until I'm home (I should have moved house by the time I get back too!)
> 
> As always thank you all for being so amazing, you really keep me going. Feel free toe feed the plot bunnies while I am away by sending me prompts/ ideas, I'll have my phone and I'll be checking in periodically.
> 
> Happy Wednesday morning! I'm sorry to those of you who cry reading this chapter.

It’s hard though, not to dwell on the fact that this is their last week together for who knows how long, and although Garda is beautiful, breathtaking even, for Bernie at least it is tarnished by the fact that in only a few short days it will be time for her to fly back to Holby, leaving Serena behind in Italy. She’d had a hope, small as it was, that Serena seeing her, spending time with her and with Charlotte would be enough to make her want to come home, enough to make her ready. It’s selfish, she knows, and almost as soon as Serena picked her up from the airport in Vienna she knew that, no matter how much she wanted it to be, this few weeks together wouldn’t be enough, wouldn’t be enough to bring her wife back to her for good, wouldn’t be enough to heal her completely. She can still see the darkness that Serena carries, sees the times it almost overwhelms her and although it is less present that it was when Serena left Holby it is still very much a part of her, a part that Bernie knows she doesn’t believe she can vanquish surrounded by the memories of their home and the hospital. It breaks her heart, all of it, it’s not fair to any of them, most of all Ellie and not for the first time this trip makes her wonder what they all did to deserve this, wonder how they missed all the signs until it was far too late.

She feels Serena’s withdrawal almost as soon as they land at the airport and she understands what she’s doing, knows that she is doing it to try and save them both the heartache when the end of the week comes but Bernie doesn’t want it, wants what they’ve had this whole trip until there is an ocean between them again.

* * *

 

Before they know it it’s their last day together, Bernie’s flight is early the next morning and Serena, as if suddenly realising the error of her ways, closes the distance between them again. She clings to Bernie in bed that morning, trails her to the shower and sits on the closed toilette lid, watches her wash and then follows her back to the bedroom, perches on the end of the bed and watches her dress, Bernie doesn’t mind the scrutiny in the slightest, understands the desire to not let her wife out of her sight for the little time they have left together. They don’t have much planned for the day, walk hand in hand around the tiny town where they have stayed, pressed as close together as they can get, they stop for lunch in what quickly became their favourite café and then all too soon it’s time to head back to the apartment so that Bernie can pack. Serena won’t leave for another few days and the thought of Serena existing in this place that has very quickly become a place they both love alone breaks Bernie’s heart, makes her pull her wife tighter to her as they make the walk back up the hill to where they have been staying.

They both change into comfortable clothes when they get back, have no intention of leaving again until Bernie has to go to the airport in the morning and Serena sits cross legged in the middle of the bed wrapped in Bernie’s HolbyCity hoody and watches as she packs. There is silence between them, Bernie doesn’t know what to say, knows that if she tries to say anything the emotion will get them better of her and she will beg Serena to travel home with her, she knows that’s not fair on either of them, that if Serena came back now she wouldn’tbe ready, that it could undo the progress she has made so far, so she keeps quiet.

“Is there anything you want me to take back?” She asks once all of her things are packed and she still as space in her case, she’d packed light and although she has bought a few things during their trip there is still space.

“I, erm,” Serena coughs to clear her throat and looks up at Bernie for the first time in a few hours, her eyes are wet and Bernie drops down onto the side of the bed, slides her hand across the space between them until her fingers bump against her wife’s thigh, “My dress maybe, I’ll have no need for it with you gone.” Bernie nods, wonders if Serena has anything else to add and when she doesn’t she pushes herself up and carefully folds he dress into the top of the case, tucks the shoes in beside it,

“Anything else?”

“I don’t, I don’t think so.” Serena shakes her head lightly and the movement dislodges the first of the tears, leaves her helpless to stop the rest. Bernie slides next to her and wraps her up in a tight embrace, tucks the brunettes head under her chin and curls around her, runs her fingers through her hair and rocks them slightly.

“You’re ok,” she murmurs, as much to convince herself as to convince her wife, “You’re ok,”

“I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to come back with you,” she whispers and a sob shudders through her, “I want to but I just, I can’t, not yet.”

“I know darling I know,” she presses a kiss to her head, runs her hand over her back in soothing circles, “And as much as I’d love to take you home with me tomorrow I don’t want to do that when you aren’t ready. But I’ll be waiting when you are ready, no matter how long it takes.” Bernie shifts them backwards until they are lying down, Serena practically curled on top of Bernie, the blondes arms wrapped tightly around her.

Eventually Serena drifts off and Bernie shifts them slightly so that they are lying side by side, so that she can watch Serena while she sleeps. As much as she wants to spend as much of the time she has left with the other woman she is also very aware that once she’s gone, Serena’s struggle with sleep will come back with a vengeance and so is more than happy to let her rest while she can as long as she can be close to her.

* * *

  
Bernie wakes early the next morning to the feeling of finger trailing over her stomach and sides, they’d fallen asleep late, still not talking much but content to sit together and share a final bottle of wine so her body fights against being away but Serena’s fingers on her skin have always been a call she can’t ignore. She opens her eyes slowly, twists her head to the side and finds Serena beside her, head propped on her hand, watching the fingers of her other as they trail over Bernie’s skin, she looks exhausted, like she’s been crying again and Bernie hates the knowledge that she is leaving her again in a few short hours.

“Did you get any sleep at all?” She asks, trails her own hand from Serena’s temple and back into her hair, massages the back of her head lightly.

“A little,” Serena shrugs, her eyes leave her hand and meet Bernie’s, a sad smile painted on her lips, “I didn’t want to miss a second.”

“You should have woken me,” Bernie sighs, knows she could have stayed awake all night with this woman given half the chance. Serena’s lips on hers are a surprise, gentle, probing, uncaring of morning breath and Bernie encourages the contact through the hand still cradling the back of her wife’s head, draws her in closer as they kiss again and again.

“I love you,” Serena murmurs against her mouth before she begins to trail her lips over her chin, down her neck, “that’s never going to change, no matter how long it takes me to find my way home.” Bernie tugs her up by the back of the head so they are eye to eye, ignores the way her heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice and cups her wife’s cheek.

“I love you too my darling,” she says, tries a smile, “And I’ll always be waiting.”

* * *

  
They had already decided to say their goodbyes at the apartment rather than the airport and although it’s painful Bernie knows that it will be better for both of them this way. They hug fiercely, Serena’s head tucked under her chin, until the taxi driver leans on his horn for the third time and Bernie’s has to break away.

“I love you,” she whispers, brushes Serena’s tears away with her thumbs and kisses her lightly, “I love you.”

“Call me when you get home. Please?” Serena whispers and Bernie kisses her forehead, takes another step back,

“Of course I will.” She smiles before turning towards the waiting car,

“I love you too.” She hears her wife say but can’t turn back, knows that if she does she’ll break apart, won’t leave at all. She holds herself together until the taxi pulls away and she looks through the back window, watches Serena getting smaller and smaller, arms wrapped round herself in a hug, tears still streaming down her face, it is her undoing.

It’s a long way to the airport so by the time she arrives and has to interact with people she has managed to pull herself together somewhat, she has no doubt that she looks an awful fright but at least she has stopped crying. She’s only pleased that the taxi driver didn’t try to speak to her. Unlike her trip out everything seems to be running on time so she makes her way through check in and finds a coffee before heading to her gate where they are just beginning to board the first class passengers. She sends a text to Serena, tells her she arrived ok, that she loves her, then texts Cam to let him know she should be arriving on time. Her phone doesn’t make a sound until she is in her seat waiting for the rest of the flight to fill up and she smiles sadly at the image that fills her screen, Serena curled up against the pillows of their once shared bed, Bernie’s Holby hoody pulled tight around her, the hood up and the strings pulled tight so very little of her features are visible.

“You forgot this,” the caption reads and she chuckles, is sure she didn’t see it lying around that morning, is convinced that Serena had hidden it,

“I have another,” she texts back, “You keep that one as a reminder of everything you have to come back to.” The hoody isn’t just a link to Bernie but also a link to the hospital, a link to their children who, at one time or another, have stolen it or been curled up in it with their mumma, it’s a pretty good representation of the important things in their lives.

“Like I could forget. I love you darling, safe flight. X”

“I love you too, turning my phone off now but I’ll text you the minute we land, try and get some sleep? X” it’s early in the day but she knows that Serena will likely stick to the apartment for the day, knows she will be exhausted after all of the crying and the late night/ early morning, she just hopes she manages a little uninterrupted sleep, even if it means she is awake all night.

* * *

  
As promised Bernie turns her phone on as soon as she is allowed and texts Serena first to say she has landed safely and then Cam to say that she won’t be long, she doesn’t have to wait too long for her bag and then she is walking through arrivals, making a beeline for her son who stands head and shoulders above the rest of the crowd.

“Welcome home,” he says as he pulls her into a hug and she smiles into his shoulder, breathes in the scent of him, so very uniquely her boy before she pulls away, “ok?”

“Ok,” she nods and she is, for the most part, “it is good to be home.”

“Would be better if mum were with you thought,” he offers as he takes up her bag and loops his arm around her shoulder to make the walk back to the car, “Charlie said she’s doing better.”

“She is, she’s getting there but she wasn’t ready just yet, as much as I wanted her to be.”

“She’ll be home mum, before we know it, just you wait and see.” He’s always been the optimistic one, her boy and for once she clings onto his optimism, makes herself believe that what he says is true and that soon it will be her picking Serena up from the airport and bringing her home.

* * *

 

It’s no surprise that it’s raining in England and Bernie shivers against the cold as they walk across the car park, she should have known better and packed a jumper in her carry on, thinks, with a smile, that her grey hoody should have been in there but is happier that it is keeping her wife warm.

“Here,” Cam says when they reach the car, pulls a jumper out of the boot and hands it to her, “Mum texted, said you might need it, something about her taking custody of your hoody.” She laughs and Cam smiles, seems pleased that she is happy despite leaving his mum behind again and on the drive home he asks about the places they visited, the best things they’ve done.

The house is tidy and warm when she reaches it, she’s greeted at the door by Charlotte who hugs her for a little longer than is proper and even Jason allows a brief hug, tells her he has missed her. The fridge has been stocked, someone has bought a beautiful bunch of Autumn flowers for the fire place and Bernie is herded directly upstairs for a shower and a nap, the kids telling her that they have everything under control.

She allows herself to cry again under the spray of the shower, let’s the hot water wash away the tears as they fall. It feels wrong, returning to Holby without Serena by her side and she finds, if possible, she misses her more after a month together than she did before her trip. She keeps telling herself that it is temporary, reminds herself that Serena has every intention of making it home eventually and it is with that thought that she curls up in bed and falls into a fitful sleep.

She’s woken by her phone, answers it without checking, knows there is only one person who it could be. They talk for an hour, both feel as though days have passed since they last saw each other rather than a handful of hours and they share everything that has happened in that time, minimal as it is. It’s Charlotte knocking on the door that disturbs them, Cam and Jason have returned with fish and chips and Jason is worried about it getting cold. Bernie tells Serena she loves her once, twice, a third time, then hangs up on Serena’s chuckling insistence, joins the kids for dinner, shares a bottle of wine with Charlotte, allows herself to be pleased to be home while simultaneously wishing she weren’t. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to tell you I'm back with a happy chapter but that would be a lie and I'm not about to lie to you, this will get a bit happier eventually but there's still a way to go. I'm not thrilled with how this chapter ends but didn't want it to run on for much longer.
> 
> I thought I'd get a lot more written both at camp and during my holidays in general but between moving house and getting a puppy who gets stroppy if I even try to read something on my phone never mind ignore her long enough to write I've not managed as much as I would have hoped. Hopefully I can get the next chapter of Coming Home written and out in the next few days (after I've reminded myself where the last chapter leaves off...)
> 
> As usual thanks you guys for all of the support, you're all amazing and you keep me going with your constant kind words x

It’s harder than she thought it would be second time around, she’d thought that seeing her wife, seeing with her own eyes that everything was OK would make being apart more bearable but she’d been lying to herself. Leaving Serena behind had broken her because seeing her had reminded her of how keenly she had missed her, had reminded her how bad she had been when she left, how much there was still to do in terms of healing. It worried her, that Serena, while getting there, was still struggling, couldn’t help but wonder if, even when she returned (she was at least partly sure that it was a when and not an if now) she might not be fully there, might never be again.

They talk more this time than they did when Serena first left, FaceTime every evening and text in between, Serena moves on two days after Bernie and she is sending constant pictures and messages, things she thinks Bernie will like. For her part, Berne starts to run again, clears out the garden and this time she and Charlotte have Serena’s help in picking plants hardy enough to survive and English winter. She pops into the hospital too, knows that she isn’t ready to return but wants to see how things are going, how everyone is doing. Fletch and Morven welcome her with hugs, Raf appears from upstairs as soon as he hears she is in and it’s nice, nice to see her mismatched work family, though she’s surprised to find that she doesn’t miss the work. She arrives near the end of their shifts so she hangs around, goes to Albies with them all for a drink and a real catch up, is pleased when Jasmine appears and joins them too. Her phone pings with an incoming FaceTime from Serena and after only a brief hesitation she answers, squeezes all five of them into the frame while it loads through and is pleased to see the brunettes smile widen when she realises who Bernie is with and where they are. They don’t talk for long, the noise in the bar doing little to help the flow of conversation, but when they do hang up, Serena is grinning, looks happier than she has during any conversation since Bernie left.

Bernie finds herself staying in Albie’s much longer than she usually would. It feels good to be around friends who don’t tip toe around her or worry about what they are saying. Mo joins them, Jac and Zosia a little later and then Ric and Hansen after they finish at the hospital.

* * *

 

By the time it’s time to head home she’s unsteady on her feet and it’s Fletch who helps her into the taxi with Morven and Jasmine. She lets the girls be dropped off first, accepts the hug from Morven and then settles in for the ride home, pulls her phone out of her pocket. Serena has sent her a picture, her smiling face alongside a glass of wine almost as big as her head and Bernie is hit by the sudden and overwhelming need to share this feeling with her wife. She feels lighter and freer than she has in a long time and although she knows it is the effect of the alcohol and friends and that in the morning she’ll go back to feeling the same but wants to hold onto it. She’s calling Serena as she pushes through the door, doesn’t even think about the time difference even when Serena answers sounding groggy and tired.

“Bernie?” She mutters and Bernie beams into the dark hall, her back pressed against the cold front door.

“Darling,” she gushes, doesn’t worry about keeping her voice down knowing she has the house to herself, Cam back in London and Charlotte out for the night with friends, “you ok?”

“I was quite happily sleeping but I’m fine darling,” Serena chuckles, “There’s no need to ask how you are feeling, I can tell you are positively bubbling over with whiskey.”

“I only had a few,” Bernie pouts, wanders down the corridor to the living room, only collides with one wall, and drops herself onto the sofa with a huff of air.

“A few bottles? I’m sure I asked Raf and Fletch to look after you, not get you trollied!”

“I’m not trollied!” Bernie grumbles, kicks her shoes off and swings her feet onto the sofa.

“Oh I believe you.” Serena chuckles, “Even though you’ve woken me up at three am.”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to hear your voice,” Berne mumbles, drops her head back against the arm of the sofa and closes her eyes, she can feel the happiness draining out of her, replaced with exhaustion and no small amount of weepiness. She wants to be curled up beside her wife, in their bed, all of them back where they belong.

“Oh Bernie,” Serena sighs and Bernie feels the first tear slip between her closed eyelids and slither into her hair line, “Darling are you ok?”

“I miss you,” Bernie mumbles, and it’s so quiet against the alcohol and the emotion roaring in her ears that she isn’t convinced Serena will have heard her, “I’m sorry,” she sighs again, doesn’t bother trying to stem the flow of tears now dribbling down the sides of her face and into her hair. “I shouldn’t have called,”

“No darling, you should have, I don’t care about the time,” Serena soothes and Bernie needs to force herself to breathe steadily, “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Bernie hiccups, rolls onto her side and tucks her knees up to her chin, “I’ve had a really good night tonight, it was nice being with everyone again and speaking to you, you looked so happy and I’ve carried that with me all night. I felt so good I wanted to share that with you but the house is empty and I wish so much that you were actually here.” For long minutes Serena murmurs soothing words to her as she cries, she feels ridiculous, 52 years old, drunk and lying in the dark crying for no real reason but now that she has started she can’t seem to stop. It’s the first time she’s cried since the night she got home and she knows she’s been holding it in, probably should have been dealing with it as she felt it rather than ignoring it and trying to get on with things.

“Where in the house have you landed?” Serena asks eventually and Bernie curls tighter into a ball, doesn’t say a word as she tries to regulate her breathing, “Darling?”

“Sofa,” she manages, doesn’t thinks she’s felt this close to a panic attack since a few days after Ellie’s death, “Serena…”

“I’m here darling, you’re ok,” she soothes and Bernie screws her eyes closed, “Straighten yourself out on me, lie on your back, can you do that?” Bernie slowly uncurls herself to straighten out, her eyes still screwed closed, her breathing rapid. Serena doesn’t talk again until she hears her wife’s movements still for a while. “Put your hand against you diaphragm for me and breathe into it, nice long, deep breaths in and out, you’re ok.” It takes long minutes of Serena’s calming voice counting her breaths before she feels the fog lifting, her chest loosening.

“I’m ok,” she whispers when she takes her fifth consecutive deep breath and her chest doesn’t burn at all, “I’m sorry,”

“Enough of that,” Serena chides lightly, “Now on your feet soldier, up the stairs to bed.”

“Serena I don’t…”

“I’m staying with you,” Serena says and Bernie’s feels herself relax more, “Now up the stairs, it’s time you got some sleep.”

* * *

  
She wakes up the next morning with a banging headache, a furry tongue and gritty eyes which shed aren’t open, she can hear Serena’s even breaths and can almost trick herself into believing that her wife is lying beside her instead of hundreds of miles away. She doesn’t remember falling asleep, only remembers Serena’s gentle voice and then nothing, the fact that the other woman has stayed on the line all night simultaneously warms her heart and brings a lump to her throat. Not wanting to start herself crying again she scrubs at her eyes and pushes herself up so she’s sitting and casts around for her phone, finds that it has stayed on the pillow beside her head for the whole night. When she checks the time it’s still early and, not wanting to wake Serena having interrupted her sleep, she disconnects the call, sends her wife a quick message to tell her she loves her and that she should call later. Stumbling to her feet she trips her way to the toilet and then faces off with her reflection while she washes her hands. She looks exhausted, no surprise really, her eyes bloodshot and her skin a little grey, she wishes she remembered exactly what she had drunk, only knows it was a lot, can vaguely remember Morven, or was it Jasmine, calling for shots, vaguely remembers Rick pressing the first whiskey of the night into her hand, decided she can blame him for the way she’s feeling, knows she wouldn’t be feeling anywhere near as bad if she had stuck with the Shiraz, ok and avoided the tequila altogether.

Her usual morning run is only a brief consideration, if she wasn’t feeling so bad it would probably make her feel better, but the only thing she’d achieve from going for a run that morning is likely making herself sick. Instead she hauls herself into the shower, tries to ignore the tightness in her chest, lingering anxiety from a night of overindulgence.

* * *

  
When Charlotte comes home at around lunchtime, looking about as bad as Bernie feels, the blonde is curled up on the sofa under a fleece throw dozing with one of Jason’s pre-recorded documentaries playing quietly, more background noise than anything. Charlotte throws herself down beside her mum, tugs the throw so it’s more covering her than the older woman, snuggles into her mothers side ad promptly falls asleep. Bernie chuckles, throws her arm around the girls shoulder, kisses the crown of her head and quickly follows.

They cuddle and doze all day, though Charlotte finds a chick flick to watch rather than the history programmes, don’t share much in the way of conversation, just enjoy having another person with them. When it gets to tea time and they are both, finally, hungry Charlotte insists on pizza, is adamant that it is the only cure for the remainder of their hangover and Bernie is unable to resist her daughters puppy dog eyes, orders far more than they can comfortably eat between them but finds that she has a craving for a little bit of everything.

When Serena FaceTimes that night there is concern written all over her face though her smile brightens as she talks to Charlotte. The three of them talk for a little while until their daughter excuses herself to go for a shower then get and early night and then Bernie feels the full force of her wife’s concerned gaze.

“I’m ok,” she promises, shifts slightly to get comfortable and offers a smile at Serena’s quirkier eyebrow, “Honestly darling, I’m fine.”

“Bernie, you had a panic attack last night, I don’t even remember the last time that happened and that doesn’t scream ok to me.”

“Just after Ellie,” she says, clarifies whe Serena looks confused, “You were with Charlotte, I was ok, managed to work through it on my own. Last night was a combination of lack of sleep and too much to drink, honestly I’m ok.”

“If it happens again you’ll call me though, won’t you?”

“Of course, I promise. Now, enough about me, tell me about your day.”

* * *

  
Serena’s concern lingers in the days that follow and Bernie does everything she can to persuade her that she is ok, because for all she misses her wife she is ok. She pushes herself to run every morning, knows that the rush of endorphins will only help see her through, takes care of little bits of DIY around the house that she’s been meaning to do forever but has never had the time.

She is only mildly surprised when she receives a call from Hansen a few days after her impromptu visit, he is pleasant, asks after both her and Serena and the children. She knows what he’s doing even if he is a little backwards in the execution and after several minutes of moderately awkward small talk she takes pity on the man with a chuckle.

“Come on Henrick, I think we’ve known each other long enough now not to beat around the bush. As much as I know you care about my family and their wellbeing I don’t believe that checking up on us was the only reason for your call.” The Swedes sigh makes her smile, it took her a while to understand him but there is no denying that he has become a firm family friend.

“Well Mrs Wolfe, since you’re so intent on talking shop.” He chuckles wryly and Bernie can almost imagine him straightening out the pen and pencil on his desk, “I have some news that I wanted you to hear from me before you heard it from anywhere else and while I don’t want you to come back to work until you are ready I wonder if what I have to tell you may change your options or thoughts somewhat.”

“I really wish you wouldn’t beat around the bush Henrick, especially when you’ve made the prologue so grim.” It must be bad if he has chosen to call her personally, can only be something to do with AAU or the Trauma Bay and part of her is glad about the fact she had been wondering about whether she actually wanted to go back.

“There have been some, well, developments, since yourself and Serena took your leave. Mr Self is back on the scene along with several friends on the board and he’s making machinations towards shifting the funding from the trauma facilities back towards his brain injury centre.”

“Henrick, that trauma bay has proved to be invaluable time and time again, I could show you probably 100 cases which would have ended with either life limiting repercussions or loss of live in the last twelve months alone.”

“I know that and you know that but with so many friends on the board I can’t be sure that my voice will be heard on this.”

“What do you need me to do?” Staying or not she wasn’t about to allow Guy Self to close down the Trauma Centre, not if there was anything she could do to stop it.

“Berenice that not why I called, I simply wanted you to be appraised of the situation.”

“And now that I’m appraised of the situation I want to know what I can do.”

“There’s a board meeting at the end of the week, Guy will be making a presentation then, a counter proposal might sway some of them.”

“I’ll put something together, I might need to come onto the ward for an hour or two, collect some data, let me know when the meeting is and I’ll be there.”

“I will let you know the moment I have the final details and Berenice, thank you, if you need to use my office while you are here then don’t hesitate to come knocking.”

“I’ll bear that in mind, thank you Henrick.” Putting the phone down she takes a deep breath, centres herself, a sense of purpose for the next few days can only be a good thing. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who follows me on social media knows that a) I've done a lot of Drabble writing in the last week or so and most of them have been uncharacteristicly positive and b) I've been agonising over this chapter for about the last 48 hours.
> 
> Adding in the trauma unit and its potential closure has spectacularly derailed where I had planned to go with this chapter and so it's been a bit of a struggl but, thanks to some idea bouncing with BlueBeetle I think I'm pretty much back on track (until my next wobble at least!)
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for all of your support, it means the world.

She doesn’t call Serena straight away, isn’t sure how to break the news of their professional loss when her wife is still healing from their personal one. She feels shaken herself, angry yes, but also a different kind of grief. The Trauma Unit had been their baby from the very beginning and they had worked side by side to creat it from paper plans to physical equipment and actual patients, it had paid for itself several times over, taken the load off the ED and it had become Bernie’s reason to stay in one place for longer than a couple of months after years of bouncing from place to place and not setting down roots. It was the closest she could get to the buzz of her old army life because while she didn’t miss the war zones or leaving her family behind, she did miss the thrill she got from performing emergency medicine.

When she does finally speak to her wife she is furious, curses Guy Self until she is blue in the face and Bernie thinks the man is lucky that Serena is out of the country because she’s pretty sure that if she was in the hospital or even in Holby his balls would be on a spike by the end of the day. Once she has calmed down the brunette proves to be a wonderful ally which is no surprise, they talk late two nights in a row, going over and over Bernie’s presentation until they are sure it’s the best it can be.

“I wish you were here,” Bernie murmurs on Thursday night when they’ve put away the work for the evening, both knowing that they’d stay up all night checking and rechecking if they let themselves, “You’re so much better at all of this than I am.”

“I have faith in you darling,” Serena soothes, “It doesn’t matter which of us present this, it’s solid because we wrote it together and at least if it’s you you won’t murder Guy like I might.”

* * *

  
The meeting feels like it passes in a blur and although she takes pretty comprehensive notes throughout Guys presentation, a request from Serena that she doesn’t dare ignore, she doesn’t really feel like she hears any of it. Throughout her own presentation, she thinks of Serena, imagines with everything she is that she is sitting at the back of the room cheering her on. She knows she has done a solid job, can see that Hansen at least is impressed, tries not to groan when the Chairman announces a break for the weekend to deliberate and read over the material before returning to vote at nine on Monday morning.

As she packs up her things she listens to Guy playing the room, agreeing to golf with two members, drinks with another and she wonders if she hasn’t just totally wasted her time, wonders if there would have been more honour in conceding defeat, but then she thinks about Serena, about all of the work they put in to get the unit off the ground, of the patients they have saved, the Doctors they have enriched through their Trauma training and she knows that she couldn’t have let it go without a fight.

“Excellent presentation Ms Wolfe,” Hansen says and she nearly jumps a foot in the air, wishes the man would learn not to sneak up on people, or wear louder shoes.

“Thank you,” she acknowledges, tucks her laptop into its bag and turns to offer him her full attention, “Serena played a large part in it,”

“Of that I have no doubt, and how is she?”

“There are still bad days,” Bernie admits, offers a sad smile, “But there are more good than bad now, though Guy is probably lucky she wasn’t in the country when I told her of his plans, I think the phrase balls on a spike was used once or twice.”

“I find myself less than surprised. Will you be sticking around? There’s talk of drinks at Albie’s at the end of that day, I’m sure you’d be a welcome addition.”

“As much as I’d love to Henrick, Jason is coming round for dinner tonight and it’s shepherds pie so I’m going to have to get home to make it. Maybe another time though.”

“Very well, give young Mister Haynes my regards,” he nods, gives her a fond smile, she had been surprised by how well he and Jason got on, but the more she thought about it, the more right it seemed, “And tell Serena I said hello and that I’ll try and fit in some time to talk in the next few days,” he looks guilty and Bernie reaches out, pats his arm,

“She knows the life of a CEO is busy Henrick, she understands, but I’ll tell her to expect you over the next few days?”

“Yes, definitely.”

* * *

 

She’s juggling her bag, her laptop and trying to answer her phone and find her car keys on her way out of the door when she collides with something is solid, is only stopped from bring sprawled on the floor by a pair of strong hands catching her by the shoulders, looks up and feels a smile tug at her lips, holds up a finger and points at the phone at her ear, it’s Jason triple checking their plans for the evening having gotten unfortunately used to both of his aunts forgetting and changing things over the last several months. Once she confirms that yes, she knows it’s tonight and yes, she is definitely making shepherds pie to Aunty Serena’s recipe she hangs up, tucks her phone into her pocket and grins at the brunette in front of her.

“Captain Dawson you always did have impeccable timing,”

“And you, Major Wolfe, always had a habit of not looking where you were going.” Alex grins and they step to one side, out of the flow of human traffic.

“I haven’t been Major Wolfe for a very long time Alex,” she chides with a fond smile,

“And it’s about as long since I’ve been Captain Dawson but old habits and all that,” Alex chuckles, takes a long hard look at the blonde, “I heard about Ellie, Bernie I’m so sorry, how are you? Christ, what a ridiculous question!”

“You won’t be the last person to ask that and I get it, I appreciate the concern and I’m getting there. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch for a while,”

“No, I’m sorry, I just, well honestly I didn’t know what to say Bern.”

“It’s ok,” Bernie soothes, reaches out to squeeze the brunettes shoulder. If she thinks about it it’s probably been almost a year since they last saw each other, at least since Christmas since they had any contact, she is unsurprised to find that the younger woman hasn’t changed much in that time, feels she has aged at three times the speed in the same period.

“And how’s Serena?”

“She’s in Greece,” Bernie shrugs, shakes her head a little at Alex’s questioning gaze, “She’s been traveling, I only got back from a month with her two weeks ago. Look, I’d really like to catch up properly but Jason is coming tonight and I’m trying to prove to him that I want to see him and I’m not totally useless so I have to get home and try and make a Shepards pie. Could we meet for a coffee or something?”

* * *

 

They organise to meet the following afternoon and Bernie heads towards the car with Alex’s new number, pleased that she has plans for the next day, is finding that having things to occupy her helps with getting by day to day without Serena. When she gets home she changes out of her suit, all still well tailored but no denim, silky cigarette trousers in place of her usual skinny jeans and a fitted blazer in place of her leather jacket, back into her black jeans and an oversized t-shirt. Charlotte is curled on the sofa with her laptop, claims she’s working on an essay but Bernie can see the TopShop website open on the screen and her text book is closed beside her thigh so she isn’t confident she has done any work at all. Shaking her head she moves through to the kitchen, takes her laptop with her and sets it up on the counter beside the cooker and smiles when Serena tries to connect with her the minute she is online.

“Cutting this a bit fine aren’t we?” She chuckles and Bernie rolls her eyes, pokes her tongue out at her wife,

“Had to stop at the supermarket so I could actually make something for dinner,”

“God, how are you all surviving there without mine and Jason’s organisation.”

“Oh we get by, though I’m beginning to worry that all of the local pizza delivery boys know me by name.”

“Berenice!”

“I’m joking, we’re eating, there have even been some vegetables,” she laughs, “I just haven’t done a proper shop for a few days now, what do I do first?” Serena talks her through the first steps with a fond exaggeration and Bernie takes comfort in it after the days she’s had. It’s not that she has never made Shephard’s Pie alone before, more that she wants it to be effect for Jason and she has a tendency of going slightly (or totally) off recipe when left to her own devices. She smiles when she looks up from her chopping and realises Serena is cooking along with her, feels like her heart is being squeezed tightly at the thought of them sharing a meal with hundreds of miles between them.

When dinner is in the oven Bernie grabs a bottle of beer from the fridge, moves the laptop to the kitchen table and settles in to talk Serena through the meeting, promises to send through her notes on Guy’s presentation later in the evening. Charlotte wanders through the room at some point for a drink, ducks down over Bernie’s shoulder to say hello and Bernie listens to them chat for a bit before Charlotte drifts back out to ‘continue her essay’

“Online shopping?” Serena asks once she’s left the room and Bernie smiles, nods,

“TopShop sale if I’m not mistaken.” She agrees, “I bumped into Alex coming out of the hospital earlier.”

“Dawson? How is she?” Bernie is glad that Serena and Alex managed to get past their beginnings and get on because once she had finally understood that Bernie was only interested in being friends Alex really was a wonderful person to know and, although they didn’t see her often, when they did it was as if no time at all had passed.

“We didn’t get much time to talk, I know I needed to get back and stat dinner but we’re meeting for coffee tomorrow.”

“Tell her I said hello won’t you? And o-once I’m home we’ll get together for dinner.”

“I will,” Bernie smiles, wishes she could reach out and squeeze the brunette’s hand or shoulder, anything to have some physical contact between them, “I should go, Jason will be here soon and I need to finish things off.”

“Yes, enjoy dinner and text me before bed?”

“Always,” Bernie smiles, kisses her fingers and wiggles them at the camera, “Love you darling.”

* * *

  
Dinner with Jason is just as wonderful as she anticipated and it’s almost as if nothing has happened between them, nothing has changed. He asks insightful questions about her travels and she manages to answer most of them without having to admit that there were days when she and his aunt didn’t leave their bed.

Once the food is finished they move through to the living room and settle down to watch one of the episodes of Worlds Strongest Man that has Ben recorded in his absence. Jason makes himself comfortable in the armchair, Cam drops to the floor, his back against the sofa and Charlotte curls up beside her mother on the sofa, drops her head onto her shoulder and Bernie lets out a sigh, allows herself to relax with how normal and right this feels. They don’t talk except for between episodes but Bernie just enjoys being with all of the kids together although she misses Serena’s presence at her side and her constant quiet and hilarious commentary when she gets bored of sitting quietly. It’s during one such lull in their viewing that Jason announces that he plans to stay the night and then presses play, Bernie can only beam at the progress, hopes that it’s not the first and last time her decides to stay, hopes one day he’ll come home for good.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologise for the angst but you should all be used to me by now! But tissue warning on this one again, there's not even a tiny bit of happy in this bit. The next chapter is pretty much written in my head and scribbled notes but I'm going to try and update Coming Home before I update this again.
> 
> As usual thanks you guys for always being so amazing and supportive, it's what keeps me going.

“Auntie Bernie?” Jason says when she’s driving him back to Alan’s the next morning, he had said that he could take the bus, had his bus pass with him for such an event but she had insisted, was happy to spend the extra time with him. They’ve had a lovely, albeit early morning to stick to his schedule, pancakes for breakfast, the only thing Jason says she can make better than his Auntie Serena.

“Yes Jason,” she prompts, takes her eyes off the road briefly to give him an encouraging smile, they are comfortable with each other, have lived with each other long enough for that to be the case, but he has always been naturally more comfortable with Serena, often hesitated more when starting conversations with the blonde that with his biological aunt and, after the months before, she wants to encourage the open communication.

“Will Auntie Serena be coming home soon do you think?” Ah, she thinks, the million dollar question

“I don’t know,” she replies honestly, tries to keep her tone positive and light, “I hoe so, she is getting better, but only Serena can really answer that question.”

“I think I’d like her to, she’s been away a very long time.”

“She has,” Bernie can’t disagree, “But she’ll come back when she is ready. When are you next scheduled to speak to her?”

“Wednesday, but that’s Ellie’s birthday so I’m not sure she will want to talk that day, what do you think?”

“I…” She pauses, bites down on the bile in the back of her throat, squeezes the steering wheel to ground herself, counts through the days in her head, can’t believe that she forgot, “I don’t know Jason, I-I think she’d still like you to call but you might just have to do most of the talking.”

“I have a new documentary about WW1 to watch that I could talk to her about, do you think that would help?”

“I think feeling like she’s got a little bit of company will help and talking to you will do that for a little while.” She says as she pulls in in front of Alan’s place, turns to Jason and forces a smile onto her face, tries to mask the fact that she’s about two seconds from falling apart.

“What will you do Auntie Bernie?” He asks as he unbuckles his seatbelt,

“I don’t know Jason,” she sighs, “I’ll probably go to the cemetery and talk to your Aunt, but I don’t know.”

* * *

 

  
She flips down her mirror when she pulls in across the road from the coffee place she agreed to meet Alex in and sighs, she looks like hell, her eyes blood shot, the dark rings under her eyes stand out starkly against her pale skin, she’s cried practically the whole way from Alan’s, hates herself for forgetting her daughters birthday, hates that she isn’t convinced that if Jason hadn’t reminded her she would have remembered at all. It’s always been Serena who has kept her right with dates, birthdays, anniversaries, but she can’t let herself off that easily in this case, can’t forgive herself for the fact she forgot this time.

She’s startled from her thoughts by a tap on the window, turns to find Alex peering in at her, pastes on a smile and rolls down the window,

“Feel free to sit in the car a little longer but I wanted to let you know I was headed in if you wanted to join me,” Alex says gently, but Bernie can see the question in her eyes and blows out a long breath, forces the smile on her face to widen despite knowing that the other woman will see right through it.

“No, no, I’ll come in now,” she says, reaches across the seat for her bag, pulls the phone from the hands free  
And climbs out, lets herself be pulled into a hug but keeps it brief, knows that if she lets it linger she’ll cry again and she really doesn’t want to do that in the middle of the car park.

They order their drinks and settle into a quiet corner, make small talk until the waitress brings their drinks and leaves them alone again. Bernie s glad that she managed to salvage this relationship with Alex, always enjoyed spending time with her, hearing her opinions, it was unfortunate that Alex’s infatuation lasted so long, that it tarnished the brunettes early relationship wth Serena but once they got passed it all the two women had gotten on like a house on fire and Bernie had often found herself defenceless against their joint power. It’s an odd relationship they share, drifting in and out of touch, months, or years, between anything more than a Christmas card but when they get together it’s like no time at all has passed,

“So what brings you back to Holby?” Bernie asks quickly, wants to put off Alex asking how she is for as long as she can,

“There was a job going and I fond I liked the hospital the last time I was here so I thought, why not?” Alex shrugs but Bernie can tel she’s only telling half a story, “Although it’s not half as good without you and Serena,”

“And the other half of that story isssss?” Bernie smiles with a quirked eyebrow, “Because something tells me there’s a lady involved in this somewhere,”

“Well it’s early days,” Alex acts coy but Bernie has known her long enough to know that no matter how early days it is she is serious, “But yes, you’re right, of course you’re right!”

“Your face gives everything away,”Bernie shrugs, hides her smile behind her mug, How early is early days?”

“Six months,”

“That’s practically married for you, why so coy?”

“You have to promise not to laugh,” Alex sighs and she looks so serious that Bernie takes pity on her and nods,

“Cross my heart,” she offers and Alex lowers her eyes, Bernie doesn’t think she’s ever seen her so shy

“I really think she might be the one Bern, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone before,”

“Not even me,” Bernie pouts then chuckles when Alex rolls her eyes,

“Not even you,” she says, shoves Bernie’s shoulder gently and beams, “She really is something special,”

“Oh Alex,” Bernie smiles, really hopes this one sticks because her friend looks so happy, “I’m happy for you, honestly, tell me about her, how did you meet? What does she do?”

“You sure?” Alex asks and Bernie gives her arm a reassuring squeeze,

“I’m sure, come on and don’t skimp on the details.”

* * *

  
Alex finishes sharing at about the same time as their coffee runs out, Bernie is pleased by everything she hears, Faith sounds like just what Alex needs to finally settle down after a long string of ill advised flings and drunken one night stands and she has honestly never heard her friend sound so happy and settled.

“Fancy a walk?” She asks as she drains her mug and although part of Bernie wants to make an excuse to cut their meeting short to avoid having to take a larger part of her knows that she needs to talk to someone and that Alex is very good at pulling things out of her that she’s letting consume her.

“Why not,” she shrugs,

“Take the trail for old times sake? I’ll drive?”

“Lead the way,” Bernie smiles, follows the brunette out of the café and back to the car park, stops at her own car to grab her jacket and her running trainers out of the boot. They make the drive mostly in silence and Bernie takes the chance to check in with Serena, lets Charlotte know that she might be in a little later than planned but that she’ll bring in some food.

They’ve walked almost half a mile at Bernie’s guess before Alex breaks the silence, obviously sick of waiting for Bernie to start talking herself.

“So how are you really? And don’t just shrug and tell me you’re fine,” she says gently, loops her arm through the blondes elbow,

“I’m not fine,” Bernie scuffs the dirt with her toe, watches their feet as she walks, “if anything I’m worse since getting back from Europe and today, well, today Jason reminded me that Wednesday should be Ellie’s birthday, I’d forgotten until he said anything and I hate myself for it.”

“You’ve always had an awful memory Bernie, what’s happened wasn’t going to change that, I know Serena is the memory behind my birthday card every year,”

“But she’s my daughter Alex and she’s-she’s…” She pauses, bends at the waist and plants her hands on her knees, forces herself to breathe steadily, “She would have been 21, she still had so much more to give.” She chokes out on a sob and she feels Alex’s hand rubbing slow circles between her shoulders, tries to focus on the contact to ground herself,

“I know darling, I know,” she soothes, keeps up with Bernie when she takes off again, almost running, Alex can’t tell if she’s trying to escape her feelings or the panic rising in her. She doesn’t stop until she reaches the trail head but only stops because there isn’t any further to go, looks out over Holby laid out below and tries to breath, tries to still the thoughts rushing in her head, she wants to scream, to cry, to curl up into a ball and pretend that none of the last year has happened, more and more she feels like she’s falling apart and can’t fix the tears fast enough to keep herself together. She knows she should talk to someone, knows she needs to excise the guilt, the grief, but isn’t sure she is ready, thinks she should probably speak to Serena, tell her how she is really faring, but doesn’t want to impact on her process.

She fights against Alex’s arms when they surround her in an embrace, pushes at her shoulders then beats against her with her fists, the sobs she has been fighting escaping in animalistic cries until she collapses against the brunettes body, her chest heaving, the tears wetting her whole face.

“I’ve got you, you’re ok,” Alex murmurs, moves them over to a fallen tree and lowers them down to sit on it, keeps her arm around Bernie’s shoulder and the blonde rules into her, screws her eyes shut and fights to regain some semblance of control.

“How long have the panic attacks been happening?” Alex asks once Bernie’s breathing has evened out a little,

“Since I got back,”

“And are you doing anything about it, talking to anyone, talking to Serena?”

“She has her own grief to deal with, she’s traveling, I didn’t want to worry her.”

“Traveling is what Serena needs and that’s fine but what about what you need? Who’s looking after you while you are looking after everyone else?”

“I’m…”

“Don’t you dare say fine or OK,” Alex snaps, “Because Bernie, this isn’t ok,”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ok again,” Bernie sighs, is struck with the fact it’s the first time she’s admitted it out loud, “My daughter died resenting me thinking I didn’t love her enough,”

“You can’t believe that,” Alex chides, “All of those kids know exactly how much you love them, they always have,”

“She hated me because I wouldn’t give her the money, maybe if I had none of this…”

“Stop. You can’t think like that, can’t know what might have happened.”

* * *

  
Alex drops Bernie back at her car, doesn’t let her go until she has extracted from her a promise to call her if she ever needs to talk and a plan to run together the following weekend. Bernie feels exhausted as she drives back home, struggles to keep her eyes open and can only hope that the nightmares leave her alone for this night so she can sleep. She buys pizza for herself and Lottie on the way, curls up with her daughter on the sofa, a bottle of wine shared between them and they watch a nonsense chick flick though Bernie drifts off half way through and doesn’t wake up again until the credits are rolling. When she goes to be she stares at the ceiling, mulls over Alex’s words and thinks that maybe she’s right, that maybe she needs to be more honest with her wife about exactly how hard she is finding it all, thinks it might even be time she looks for a therapist. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It''s safe to say that this is an angst fest still, but is their a light at the end of the tunnel?
> 
> Thank you as always for all of your support and encouragement and honestly, feel free to come harass me on tumblr (@libstarsr) and Twitter (@libbysmith_reed) for updates on where I'm at and to give me gentle encouragement to write when I need it!

Bernie is cleaning out the car on Tuesday, more for the distraction that for the actual desire to do it, when she finds Ellie’s iPod buried under a stack of CDs and an A to Z in the glove box. They’d bought them for the kids one Christmas years ago and it was one of the few presents they’d bought Ellie that she hadn’t got bored of two minutes later and it had become something she was rarely seen without. Bernie can’t understand why she hadn’t thought about the fact she hadn’t seen it in Ellie’s things before she slides it out of the sock it’s in to protect it, or of Ellie’s own from when she was young that she swore was the perfect cover, and sighs when she finds the battery dead, pushes it into her back pocket and makes a mental note to put it on charge later.

She tries not to think about the last time she shared the car with her daughter, tries to forget the words her daughter spoke in anger and maybe in fear that night, the accusations that she threw at her. She doesn’t remember music that night, not in the yelling or the heavy silences, thinks that probably the iPod had been buried in the glove box for a while before that, thinks maybe that is all that saved it from being sold along with most of Ellie’s other belongings.

The car becomes less of a distraction and more of a constant reminder after that but she forces herself to finish mostly because she knows that the only other option is to go and sit and mope probably have a little cry. One of Ellie’s tote bags ends up in the blood, makes her think she really needs to clean out her car more often, it’s one of Ellie’s scruffier ones that she used to carry around her uni work and Bernie props it against the steps to the back door to take in when she’s done, thinks she should check there’s nothing important in it before she decides what to do with it.

She’s just finished hoovering the back seats when her phone rings and she answers it quickly, hopes it will be Serena who has bee incredibly quiet over the last few days, doesn’t manage to mask her disappointment when it’s Alex on the other end of the line.

“Still nothing from Serena?” The brunette asks and Bernie sighs, slumps sideways against the top of the car,

“Nothing,” she says, rubs at her face, “But I get it, this has all been hard for her, tomorrow will be harder.”

“And it won’t be for you?” Alex’s tone is sharp and it’s not the first time she has heard it aimed at Serena in the last few days. She hears Alex sigh and rubs at her face again, feels like she’s stick between a rock and a hard place, “Sorry Bernie,” she mutters, “I know everyone deals with these things differently but I just, I don’t think it’s fair that she’s just abandoned you.”

“It’s what she needed to do,”

“But what about what you need? Because she has left you here to deal with all of this on your own, the kids, the house, all of it, and no matter what you say I know you haven’t dealt with any of it, have you?” Bernie sighs again, drops herself down onto the back step, her head in her hands. She knows that what Alex is saying is true, that she has bee left to deal with it all, that she’s not dealing with any of it at all but she can’t be angry wth Serena for doing what she needed to do to try and work through everything even if that meant her wife needing to leave to do it. The way things had been going, the lack of communication between them, if one of them hadn’t walked away they might have torn each other apart.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Alex asks when it’s clear she isn’t going to get anything from the blonde,

“Cam and Lottie are coming home and Jason is staying at the house, we’re having dinner tonight and then tomorrow, I don’t know, we’ll go to the cemetery but there’s no real plan. I’ve been trying not to think about it too much.” Bernie is trying not to dwell on the fact that the next day should have been her youngest daughters 21st birthday, tries not to think about the Christmas trip to New York she would never make with her daughter.

“Well if you need a distraction or anything at all really I’m not working so you just need to pick up the phone.”

“Thanks Alex.”

“Don’t thank me, just actually call me if you need to. What are you doing now?”

“Cleaning the car,”

“That bad huh?” Bernie chuckles at that, Alex always do know her little ticks,

“The house is too quiet.”

“Get your running gear on, I’ll be twenty minutes.”

“You don’t ha…”

“No but I want to and someone needs to look after you,” Alex says gently, Bernie’s heart hurts at the fact that Alex is right, that she does deserve to be looked after in all of this. “And bring plenty of water, I pan to push us booth hard.”

* * *

  
By the time Alex drops her back home Bernie is pretty convinced that the brunette was trying to kill her, wants to lie in an Epsom salt bath for as long as possible but only has enough time to shower quirky before she has to start picking up all of the kids. As she showers she realise that, while she’s been reminded of exactly how old and unfit she has gotten Alex has succeeded in taking her mind off things for a while.

She’s pulling her jeans back on when she remembers Ellie’s iPod in the back pocket and slides it into the dock on her dresser to charge, props the tote bag against it too, thinks maybe she’ll have a look through it later when she no doubt struggles to sleep.

She picks Jason up from Allan’s first, smiles as he tells her about his week, about how things are going at the hospital and a trip he and Celia took to the museum at the weekend. When they reach the station he decides to stay where he is with his latest history magazine and Bernie wanders in, leans against the base of the arrivals board and waits, knows from the tannoy that the London train has arrived and both of her children should be on it. It’s not long before she spots Cam’s curly head above the others in the crowd and when they get closer she can see that he has his arm slung around his sisters shoulder.

When they get close she pulls them both into a hug that ligers far longer than they have since they were ids and Bernie was coming home from tour,

“We should head out,” she says when she’s pulled back and kissed each of them on the cheek, “Jason is waiting in the car and he’ll have a lot to say about the state of British transport if he thinks you train was late in.”

* * *

 

They stop at the chippy on the way home, eat their tea straight from the paper around the dining room table. The atmosphere is strange, tense in a way that it never has been with them and Bernie knows it’s because none of the know what to say. She can see that Jason is struggling the most, is picking ineffectually at is food in a way that is most unlike him, looks like he is about to speak several times, cutting himself off each time before the words can come out. It’s different for him, a boy who almost couldn’tstop himself from saying exactly what was on his mind when he first came to stay with them , it’s a welcome proof of the progress he has made since he joined their family but tonight, Bernie can see that his attempt to prevent himself upsetting anyone else is causing him more stress than good.

“You ok Jason?” She asks gently, squeezes the top of his arm to get his attention,

“I…” He trail off, frowns, and Bernie has to resist the urge to initiate more physical contact, knows that isn’t art of their usual dynamic and is likely to distress him more.

“Take your time,” she offers instead, makes a show of focusing on her food to take some of the pressure off.

“I don’t think it’s right for me to be here tonight,” he says eventual and Bernie is glad that Cam speaks up because she doesn’t know what to say.

“Don’t be daft Jason,” Cam says, sounds as outrage as Berne feels, “Of course you should be here, you’re family.”

“But we are celebrating Ellie’s birthday ad I don’t think that if she were here, she would want me to be here.”

“Jason I don’t..”

“No Auntie Bernie, I’m not finished.” He interrupts and Bernie raises her hand in apology, tries to read her frame, has absolutely no idea what her nephew might say next, “I don’t think Ellie liked e very much, not in the end anyway and she said some very mean things to me and about me. I don’t think, if she had the choice, she would have invited me to ear birthday tea,”

“Oh Jason,”

“No Aunty Bernie, it’s ok, but I think it might be best f I were to just go back to Allan’s.”

“Jason no,” she’s surprised it’s Charlotte, but she looks determined, is wearing the face that Serena wears when she is about to deliver some hard truths, she just hopes they are all ready to hear them. “I think it’s about time we were all honest with ourselves. I love my little sister but in the end she was selfish and mean and for whatever reason she thought that she couldn’t come to any of us for help. She was mean to all of us, in fact she was an utter bitch, she said things to all of us that should have been unforgivable but we let it happen because she was our Ellie and we love her. I won’t make excuses for her Jason because the things she said were unforgivable but I don’t believe that was my sister. The people she got involved with, the things she was taking, they changed her but I firmly believe she was still in there, that if..if she’d survived this she would have remembered how much we love her. I think she would have wanted to share this birthday with us.”

“Lottie is right Jace,” Cam smiled sadly and Bernie returned it, knotted her fingers with Charlotte’s on the table and squeezed lightly earned herself a small smile I return every day she realised a little something more of how Ellie’s death and what came before had broken them all, but on the eve of her babies 21st birthday she is more determined to build them all back up and bring them back together.

* * *

  
She tries Serena again before bed it’s surprised when she doesn’t get a answer but is hurt al the same, eaves a quick message telling Hershey loves her, asking her to get in touch, the only reason she hasn’t called the police is tat Serena has her read receipts on so she knows he messages are being read if not answered.

She stares at the ceiling for what feels like hours before she gives up on the idea of sleep, remembers Ellie’s bag and iPod on her dresser and rolls out of bed to flick the iPod on and grab the tote, she doesn’t fiddle with the music, leaves it on whatever the last play list Ellie listened t was. Settling back under the covers she tips the content of the bag onto her lap, it’s a uni bag, that’s for sure, three notebooks fall out along with the seal detritus that a masses in the bottom of bags the world over, old receipts, a knotted pair of headphones, a half full punch f tobacco, the tail end of a couple of packs of chewing gum, lip balm, a handful of bic biros. Separating out the notebooks she’s sweeps the rest back into the bag, is curious to know what her daughter had been working on towards the end. She pauses when she hears the familiar rif of a much loved song, smiles when Stevie Nicks’ voice fills the room can’t believe that any of their kids we’d want to listen to Edge of Seventeen after a childhood of being forced to listen to the Rumours album of repeat every time they got in the car, her and Serena singing along at the top of their lungs, thinks that maybe their youngest shared more in common with them than she would like to admit.

* * *

  
She’s not sure when she fell asleep finally but when she wakes up the sun rise is just starting to light up the room and the bedroom door is creaking open. She pushes herself up, rubs at her face, her eyes are gritty, she remembers starting to cry when she found a family picture pasted in the back of Ellie’s most recent work book. Charlotte I standing in the doorway looking tiny and unsure and she holds back the duvet, waits for the girl to join her.

“Ok sweetheart?” She says quietly, folds her daughter in her arms, cocoons them safe and warm together under the heavy duvet,

“I miss her mumma,” she sniffs and Bernie strokes her hair, presses a kiss to her crown.

“I know darling, I know.” She says, doesn’t know what else she can add, knows she feels the same way herself, hates that she’ll never snuggle in bed with her youngest child on the morning of her birthday again. She wishes Serena were there too, feels her wife’s absence more keenly if that’s even possible, wishes she was curled on their daughters other side grumbling at being woken at such an godly hour.

Cam is the next to appear, leans in the doorway and smiles gently at his mum and sister and Bernie is struck by how proud she is of the man he has become.

“Jason and I made breakfast,” he says when it’s clear neither of them are about to move, “Waffles and maple syrup, bacon if you want it, Ellie’s favourite.”

“We’ll be down in a minute darling,” she smiles, begins to coax Charlotte out from where she is burrowed under the duvet,

“Keep your pjs on, birthday tradition.”

  
Finding a blanket cave built in the living room is almost her undoing, a birthday tradition they had to replace as the kids got older and bigger and it began to be impossible to fit the all under the make shift structure. But Cam has done a wonderful job, are the ‘ceiling’ higher to accommodate Jason’s armchair so he isn’t eat out, never having understood the fun in sitting on the floor when there was a perfectly good chair at hand.

Once they’ve eaten they stack the plates together and Cam presses play on the DVD player, theirs a stack of DVDs beside the to, Ellie’s favourite films, and Bernie assumes that the plan is to stay where they are until at least lunch time.

* * *

  
“Is this a private party or can anyone join in?” Bernie must have been dozing because she is totally startled by the all too familiar voice, snaps her eyes open as Serena’s face appears in the entrance to their cave, a wobbly smile on her beautiful, much missed face.

“Serena?” 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who follows me on Twitter (@libbysmith_reed) has seen all of the exciting (not really) places I have parked myself to try and finish this chapter and get it out. I tried to start this one three times before I got anything to stick, it didn't really go the way I thought it would in my head, probably hasn't gone the way you guys expected either, but I think it's gone in a direction it needed to...
> 
> Now this is done I'm ready to focus on some Autumn/Halloween one shots so if anyone has any prompts throw them my way!
> 
> As usual, thank you guys for being amazing and constantly keeping me going.

“Serena?” Bernie repeats, feels glued to the floor by the appearance of her wife. She definitely must have drifted off because she feels slow and sluggish, like she can’t move from where she is, a little like she’s breathing under water. It’s been so long since Serena occupied this space, their space, that Bernie almost doesn’t know how to react to it.

She watches numbly as the kids fly to their feet and greet their mother, even Jason allowing himself to be held at arms length, scrutinised and then pulled into a hug. Lottie clings a little longer than the others and Bernie finds herself the recipient of Serena’s sad smile over their daughters shoulder, returns it on auto pilot though something must look off because Serena frowns, squeezes Charlotte tight to her and then steps back.

“You guys give me and your mum five minutes?” She asks, looks at each of them in turn and they nod, even Jason doesn’t need to be talked into it.

“We’ll go and make some coffee.” Cam offers and squeezes Serena’s shoulder as he passes. With the kids gone the atmosphere becomes heavy, Bernie still doesn’t know what to say, knows she should be pleased to have her wife back home, especially because of the silence of the previous three days but finds that for the same reasons, the date, the silence, she isn’t, finds in fact she’s angry instead.

“Bernie?” Serena tries and she looks up at her, isn’t quite sure what her face is doing but knows from Serena’s reaction that it’s nothing good. “Bernie,” she says again, drops herself to the floor, close enough to touch but not quite touching. Bernie looks her fill, can see that she looks better again than the last time they were together, colour in her cheeks, that McKinnie glint in her eye and her hair, a little longer but still gloriously free of colour, knows she must look dull and washed out in comparison, like something printed when the ink is running low or a photograph handled one too many times. It’s clear that the time away has done what Serena intended, what they both hoped for, but for the first time Bernie wonders selfishly what it has cost her.

“You’re back,” she says and it holds none of the excitement she expected to feel on uttering those words, she can’t find it in her to care that Serena’s face falls at the tone. “Is this a flying visit or are you here to stay?” She feels like she’s having an out of body experience , can hear herself talking as if from a great distance, can’t stop what is spelling out no matter how much she wants to.

“Bernie,” Serena sounds defeated, but it doesn’t break through the mist that has descended, “I’m staying, this is it now, I’m home.” They are interrupted by the kids and Bernie can’t help thinking it’s a good thing, isn’t sure what she might have said next, is only sure it probably wouldn’t be very nice.

She’s not surprised when Charlie curls into Serena the minute she is settled again, tries not to be hurt by it, understands really, wants the same closeness with her wife but can’t bring herself to cut through the anger, can hear Alex’s voice in the back of her head muttering about how Serena has left her to deal with it all alone, that it’s not fair. Cam presses play on the DVD and they sit in silence, Jason back in his arm chair, Cam on the floor between Bernie and Charlotte, she’s vaguely aware of her sons eyes on her, can’t bring herself to look at him, doesn’t want to see the look on his face, the question in his eyes. She’s so full of nervous energy that she’s worried that she might vibrate apart, feels hot and itchy everywhere, feels like she needs to escape before she has a panic attack. She moves without really thinking about it, catches Cam’s eye, shakes her head when it’s obvious she is going to ask a question and slips out from under the sheets and escapes up the stairs.

* * *

 

She’s pacing in the bedroom when Cam appears in the doorway, fixes her with a concerned look, drops himself down onto the edge of the bed, watches her movements.

“You didn’t know?” He asks when it’s clear she isn’t going to say anything, or even stop pacing,

“You think I wouldn’t have told you guys if I even had the slightest idea?” She says with a sigh, rubs at her face, perches on the edge of the dresser for a second, realises she just can’t be still and starts pacing again,

“You don’t seem to be as happy about it as I thought you would be…” It’s an invitation to talk and she knows it, isn’t sure she can, isn’t sure she would even know where to start,

“I don’t know Cam, honestly, I don’t know.” She sighs, spots her running gear in a crumpled heap on the chair in the corner and knows realistically that the only way to get rid of the excess energy and process what she’s thinking is to go for a run.

“Go mum, I’ll look after everyone here,” He says and his thoughtfulness, his understanding makes her want to cry, it’s a sharp turn around from the almost white hot rage she’s been feeling and it nearly flaws her,

“You’re sure?” She asks, finds a spot on the wall over his shoulder, can’t bring herself to meet his eyes still, doesn’t know how she would react to what she will know is understanding in her sons eyes,

“I’m sure, I think you need to, you’ve looked after all of us, let us look after you.”

“You’re right,” she breathes out, manages to meet his eye and offers him a sad smile, “Thanks you darling,” he surprises her by pushing himself off the bed and pulling her into a hug, she allows the contact, sags into it and buries her face in his neck, breathes deeply against the press of tears, “I won’t be long.”

“Take as long as you need,” he squeezes her tightly and presses a kiss to the top of her head, “I mean it, don’t come back until you’re ready.”

* * *

 

She dresses quickly, probably doesn’t layer up enough considering the weather but doesn’t really think too much about it, just wants to be out of the house and away from the oppressive atmosphere that she is pretty sure only she can feel. She’s half expecting Serena to be waiting for her in the hall, wouldn’t have been at all surprised if her wife had tried to force a conversation but her route to the door is blessedly empty, the living room door pulled almost shut so that all she can hear is the faint hum of the TV. She slips into her trainers quickly, ignores the guilt bubbling in her chest, knows she needs to look after herself as much as she needs to look after her family. Heading out the door she enjoys the bite in the air, the chill that immediately bites at her lungs and she sets out at a punishing pace, doesn’t care about how much it might hurt tomorrow.

She pushes past her usual seven miles, still doesn’t feel any clearer, knows that the whole thing will be a waste of time if she doesn’t at least take the edge off. She hits ten miles before she turns round and heads for home, has hit twelve by the time she turns into the top of their street and slows herself down to a jog then a walk. She feels lighter, though not sure that she’s ready to face her wife, knows there isn’t another alternative, knows that they need to talk and that she needs to be honest, properly honest, for the first time since this whole mess started.

The house is silent when she pushes through the door and she kicks off her trainers before heading straight to the kitchen for a glass of water, she’s been gone nearly two hours, wouldn’t be surprised if the others had gone out in search of food. She’s just refilled her glass of water and reached for a banana when she hears footsteps behind her, knows exactly who it is, and tries to keep her shoulders relaxed as she turns to face her wife. Serena looks worried, fiddles with her fingers and Bernie knows it’s to stop herself reaching out,she can’t deny that she appreciates the space, knows that if Serena touches her she’ll crumble, that she’ll never say all of the things she knows she needs to.

“I’m sorry,” the brunette starts and Bernie shakes her head, holds her hand out to stop her, she doesn’t think she really wants her wife to apologise but she needs her to know how everything has effected her, how even just the last two days of silence have effected her. “Darling please…”

“Serena,” she starts, has to clear her throat, finds her voice suddenly choked, “Please just let me speak?”

“Ok,” Serena nods, pulls out a chair at the table and drops herself into it, tucks her fingers under the outsides of her thighs so she can’t fidget and gives Bernie her full attention.

“I know I supported you in what you had to do to heal after we lost Ellie,” she says on a breath, “And I still do, but I’m beginning to realise the impact that it’s had on me, on the kids, and I need you to have some understanding of that.” Pulling herself up onto the breakfast bar she offers her wife a gentle smile, wants her to know that she’s still loved, that she’s welcome, even if she can’t quite say it yet. “I don’t know why you went silent again the last few days, but I do know you’ve worried us all to death, even Jason has been asking why you haven’t been returning his messages, the only thing that has kept me remotely sane is your read receipts being on, knowing that you were at least seeing what we were saying, but it never stopped me worrying about why you weren’t getting back in touch and then to just turn up here as if nothing had happened. God.” She scrubs at her face, feels like her words aren’t coming out the way they should, but Serena is still listening so she’ll try and keep going. “Every time I’ve thought about this day I’ve wanted you here with me, the kids know that and that is why they rallied round, Cam at least knew that, left to my own devices I wouldn’t have left bed, but when I was thinking of having you hear it wasn’ t like this, it wasn’t with the silence, or the worry, or the anger, because darling, you walked in this morning and I haven’t been able to see past my anger since.”

“I understand,” Serena says slowly, and Bernie can see that she’s thinking, trying to get her thoughts in order, “And I am sorry, as much as that is something you probably don’t want to hear again. I don’t think I realised the impact me being gone for so long had on you all until today and I hate myself for it. I wish you’d told me, ok maybe not you, but I wish someone had told me what I was doing to you all, I thought I was doing you all a favour, staying away until I thought I was ready, but I can already see that I I’ve done the opposite.”

“We didn’t say anything because we wanted you to be better and you know me, I’ve not been honest with anyone, the kids have realised I’m struggling, of course they have and Alex, well you might want to avoid Alex for a little while, but I only ever wanted to speak to you but at the same time I didn’t want to put any of this on you when you were trying to heal yourself. Where have you been the last few days and why didn’t you tell us you were coming home, we could have picked up up from the airport.”

“I didn’t know I was coming home until I stepped onto the train,” Serena says, holds out her hand and Bernie takes it finally, is calmed by the slide of her wife’s palm on her own and allows herself to be tugged to the table, settles into the chair beside her wife, “I flew into Edinburgh two days ago, I thought I was ready to come home until I was back in the country and then, I didn’t know anymore.” Serena rubs at her face with her free hand and although she can see the brunette is conflicted, Bernie is still annoyed that she didn’t just tell her before.

“You still could have spoken to me,”

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up, not knowing if I was going to end up turning round and running away again, none of you deserved that.”

“But we deserved to worry?” It has none of the bite she thought it would, comes out as a sigh and she takes her hand back, rubs at her face and fixes Serena with pleading eyes, “I want to say I understand but I don’t, yes I would have been pleased to hear you were closer but you know I never would have forced you to come back if you weren’t ready, but I could have spoken to you, maybe come to see you.” The silence hangs heavy between them, Bernie feels exhausted, rung out, doesn’t actually remember a time in the near past where she hasn’t, wonders how she’s survived this long running herself down the way she has been, “I’m not ok Serena, I’ve tried to be, but more and more lately I feel like I’m going to break apart and I feel like there’s nothing in the world that could piece me back together again.”

“Not even me?” Serena’s eyes are large and glassy and Bernie wishes she could put a smile in them again, wishes they could forget that all of this had ever happened and go back to when things between them were normal, were good, but she can’t, she knows that now, knows that she needs to be honest for her own sake and for everyone else’s.

“I don’t know.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intended to post a few more positive one shots before I put any more angst out into the world but here we are, I started this last night, stayed up into the early hours because I just couldn't bring myself to stop and I've been pretty antisocial most of the day because the first time I started writing it I was struggling with the flow but this just seemed to flow on it's own.
> 
> It's not all angst, there is a little bit of hope woven in there, just a little bit though so don't get your hopes up! Next I need to get them to sit down and for Bernie to actually talk because lets be honest I've drawn it out for a little while!
> 
> I feel like I might need to do a little one shot of the last few chapters of this from Serena's POV, mostly because I want to know what is going on in her head right now, what do you guys think?
> 
> As usual, thanks you guys for always being so supportive and encouraging me with comments and kudos and all that jazz.

They are still sat in silence when the kids get back with lunch, Bernie unable to look at her wife, staring at a spot above Serena’s head instead. She feels lighter for the admission but doesn’t dare look at Serena’s face for fear of the reaction her honesty will have caused. 

“We brought lunch,” Jason says as they all troop through the doorway and she can tell by the frown on his face that he’s picked up on the strange atmosphere, that he doesn’t understand why his aunts aren’t just happy that they are back together, “we went to Ellie’s favourite cafe.” 

“Sounds wonderful,” Serena manages, Bernie is sure that if she could bring herself to look there would be a strained smile on her face. “Isn’t it Bernie,” she prompts and the blonde coughs, clears her throat and hopes she manages to modulate her tone.

“Yeah,” She makes eye contact with her nephew and hopes the smile on her face is reassuring, “I’ll just have a quick shower and come back down. Don’t wait for me.”

She slips out without a backwards glance, shakes her head at Cam’s concerned look and takes the stairs two at a time, feels like she’s jangling with adrenaline all over again by the time she closes the bedroom door behind herself. She had to be honest, she knows she did but she hadn’t realised exactly how she was feeling until the words were tumbling out of her mouth and she’s shaken by the realisation that she’s not sure if her marriage can survive this, if her marriage can help her through it. 

She takes one deep breath then another, pushes down on the anxiety she can feel bubbling again, doesn’t want her run to have been a waste of time, knows she needs to be there for the kids today of all days, can think of a way to start moving forward later. She pauses only to reply to Alex’s text asking her how she’s doing, let’s her know that Serena is back, puts pause to anything further by promising to call her later, then showers quickly, washes away the dried sweat from her skin and hair, lets the water soothe her aching muscles, a reminder that she is pushing her body too far and not looking after it enough. She ignores too, the slight looseness of her skinny jeans, drowns her top half in a shirt and large jumper and lets her hair dry any way it likes, doesn’t want to confront her reflection in the mirror today. 

When she gets downstairs only twenty minutes later, her family are in the kitchen, huddled around the breakfast bar talking quietly. They are half way through their lunches, sandwiches and other grazing foods and Bernie grabs the plate left for her and adds a few things to it, hoists herself up onto a  stool and picks at it with little intention of actually eating it. She lets the conversation wash over her, doesn’t feel like she has the energy to join in, is happy to let the kids lead the conversation, for Jason to ask Serena about parts of her travels he has been really interested in. She nibbles at a sandwich, pushes the other bits around the plate but doesn’t really try to eat them, really isn’t hungry despite the run, the anxiety still fizzing at a low level in her blood having killed off whatever small amount of appetite she had. She is aware of Serena’s eyes on her, doesn’t look up, watches her hands as the fiddle with a crust of bread instead. She starts slightly when a warm hand lands on her thigh, knows without looking that it belongs to her wife, she tries not to squirm, knows it is an action meant to soothe and communicate understanding but they’ve barely touched since Serena came back, since they said good bye again weeks before and it still comes as a shock, she’s vaguely grateful though that she still feels the usual fizz between them, thinks that that is one sign that there’s still something between them if only they can fight their way through all of this mess first.

* * *

 

The kids insist on tidying up, on stacking the dishwasher, Bernie scrapes her own plate to avoid anyone else pointed looks, throws out almost double what she has eaten and then retreats to the living room, curls up in Jason’s arm chair and picks at her fingers, doesn’t know what to do with herself, feels adrift in her own home. Serena joins her shortly after, she thinks the kids have probably banished her from the kitchen, their own good meaning way of giving their parents time together, or at the very least Cameron being far too insightful for his own good. The brunette hovers momentarily and Bernie watches her out of the corner of her eye, wishes she felt like she could reach out and pull her close, hug her like she’s wanted to since she left her behind but she doesn’t think she’s strong enough, doesn’t think she’d let go if she let herself. She’s not angry anymore but she’s terrified, terrified that what she said earlier, what she’s been feeling for maybe months but has never admitted to herself is true, that not even Serena can fix her, not even Serena can build her back up no that she is beginning to admit how broken she feels.

“We should go to the cemetery,” she says eventually, coughs to clear her throat, “I had planned to order some flowers but that was always your strong suit not mine.”

“It’s ok,” Serena says lightly, lowers herself to the arm of the chair but still maintains the distance between them, “We can go into the florist on the high street and get something together if you like?”

“Ok,” she says quietly, looks up into Serena’s face for the first time since their earlier conversation, “I’m sorry darling, that I’m not dealing with this as well as I should be.”

“There is no should be,” Serena says equally quiet, “There’s no manual for how to deal with losing a child, I ran away and left you to deal with everything so I could deal with how I was feeling and that was wrong, we should have done this together, all of it. I can’t change how I acted in the past but I’d like it if you could let me help you now, let me take some of the burden? Try to be honest with me?”

“I can only promise to try,” Bernie says honestly, knows she can’t give Serena anything more than that, knows that the other woman will understand, “I can’t promise it will be easy.”

“But I can promise not to run again,” Serena offers, hesitates with her hand suspended in the air between them, doesn’t move again until Bernie closes the gap between them and takes her hand, brushes her thumb over her knuckles, “I can promise to do my best to fix this.”

“Then I promise to be honest.” they sit quietly side by side for a moment, just exist together in the same space until Bernie pushes herself suddenly to her feet, smiles when Serena looks at her with a question ready to tumble out of her mouth, “Stand up so I can do what I should have done the minute you walked through that door.” Serena doesn’t hesitate in pushing to her feet and Bernie immediately pulls her into am embrace, can’t quite believe that she hadn’t done that yet regardless of how angry and confused she was. She breathes out a sigh when Serena sinks into her, wraps her own arms around Bernie’s waist as the blonde’s settle around her shoulders.

“You haven’t been looking after yourself,” Serena says quietly, her head tucked under Bernie’s chin, ear pressed against her chest, “And don’t think I didn’t notice you putting most of your lunch in the bin.”

“I’m trying,” 

“I know darling, I know.” and she thinks Serena probably does know, because before she went away she was looking after herself about as well as Bernie has been, was skipping meals, leaving her plate half full when they did sit down for something. When they pull apart Serena reaches up and brushes her hair away from her face, her fingers lingering against her cheek, ghosting over the dark rings under her eyes, “When did you last have a full nights sleep?” Bernie simply shrugs, doesn’t remember the last time she slept the full night, doesn’t have the energy to try and work it out. “Oh Bernie, I’m going to look after you now, I promise.”

* * *

 

They decide to walk to the cemetery, it’s cold but dry and Cam points out that, at the very least, it wouldn’t be advisable for any of them to be driving home afterwards, Bernie thinks he is probably right, knows that the way she’s feeling she shouldn’t be driving at all. Jason stays behind at home, he visits the cemetery once a fortnight, has done for as long as they have known him to visit his mother and Bernie knows he has added Ellie to his visitings since her death, knows that for him, everything is too much of a break from routine already, also knows that he can’t process other people’s emotions when he’s trying to process his own, knows seeing them all so upset would be far too much for them.

They pick up flowers at the little florists on the high street, pay a little more for the bright summer blooms that are out of season but are much more to Ellie’s taste than darker autumn colours. Serena walks ahead with Charlotte’s arm linked into her own, the heads bowed close together, for all Serena being away has only strengthened the relationship between Bernie and their middle child she knows how much Lottie has missed her mum, how strong their connection is because it’s as strong as the connection Bernie has, had, with Ellie. Cam walks close by Bernie, doesn’t say anything but speaks volumes with his constant strong presence at her shoulder.

The cemetery is quiet, only a handful of others dotted around in the strange silence that is only found there, quiet as if the city isn’t just outside the gates, as if there isn’t a busy road just beyond the wall. Even Serena who hasn’t been there since before she left moves towards their daughters grave on auto pilot and before she knows it they are stood in front of the dark marble that bears their little girls name. Serena busies herself clearing out the old flowers, there’s a bunch Bernie left a week and a half ago and a smaller one that she assumes must be from Jason but otherwise it’s neat and Bernie knows they have their nephew to thank for that, that he will have removed the autumn leaves and any rubbish when he visited earlier in the week. She takes her time arranging the flowers they bought in the vase, ignores the lump in her throat and the stinging of her eyes, plays around with them until she’s happy with the way they are sitting. When she pushes to her feet Serena is at her side in an instant and she takes one look at her wife, her sad, shining eyes and forgets any underlying anger still lingering, anything that has been said in the last few hours, and slides her arm around her shoulder, isn’t surprised when she curls into her.

“Hello sweetheart,” her wife murmurs eventually and the tremor in her voice is evident, Bernie pulls her closer, rests her cheek against the top of her head, can’t take her eyes of the stone in front of her, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while but I’ve been traveling, you’d have enjoyed it I think…"

“Happy Birthday princess,” Bernie murmurs when it’s clear Serena can’t continue just yet, clears her throat agains the lump in it but can do nothing about the tears already sliding down her cheeks, they’d had such plans for this day, had been planning it since their daughters last birthday a year ago. They stand in silence after that, she’s aware of Charlotte and Cam flanking them, reaches out to pull Lottie close when she hears the ragged sob break free, tucks her daughter under her other arm, curls her close and kisses the top of her head.

“We’d planned to take Ellie to New York between Christmas and New Year, it was her birthday present,” she says eventually, a thought striking her, “I think perhaps we should still go, that we should all go together?” Christmas and the following months were going to be tricky for all of them, their first Christmas without their Ellie and then her first anniversary so close afterwards, she knew a holiday wouldn’t fix it, wouldn’t make the pain go away for any of them but but she thought perhaps that it might be a nice thing to do, a way for them to remember their daughter and sister, a way maybe to move forwards.

“I think that sounds like a brilliant idea,” Serena says, looks up at her and although her eyes are shining, her face wet with her tears, there is a small smile on her face, “And I think Ellie would approve.”

“I think so too,” Cam nods, “And I’m not just saying that for a free trip.” the four of them chuckle lightly and it breaks the tense and heavy emotion of the day a little.

“We booked a table at that Thai place Ellie loved if you guys are up for it?” Charlotte asks quietly and Bernie’s heart swells because it’s what they would have done if Ellie was still with them, they always took the kids out for tea on their birthdays even if they had nothing else planned.

“I don’t think there’s any other way we could spend the evening,” Bernie says and squeezes Charlotte’s shoulder, feels Serena nod against her shoulder, “What do you think Ellie, should we celebrate your birthday by eating too much Thai food?” she doesn’t expect an answer, doesn’t believe in any of that, has seen too much destruction and death in her time to believe in the possibility of a higher power, a ‘heaven’ but a sudden gust of wind shakes the trees and the four of them watch a single white feather drift down and land on their recently left flowers.

“I guess that’s our answer,” Cam offers and Bernie just accepts it, the logical, scientific part of her brain telling her it was simply coincidence, but the grieving mother dares for a couple of moments to hope, she looks up to the sky, clear and bright blue and murmurs a prayer to a God she doesn't believe in that whatever there is after life, her daughter is ok.

* * *

 

It's late by the time they get home after dinner, once they dropped Jason back at Alan's Cam had suggested they go for a drink in a pub, says they probably would have ended the night that way under different circumstances, that it's only right they raise a toast to their lost daughter, their lost sister. Bernie is surprised when Serena opts to buy her Shiraz by the glass rather than by the bottle but Serena meets her eyes and shrugs, murmurs something about self medicating with alcohol not being the way to go and Bernie files it away for later, clinks the neck of her beer bottle against her families glasses and takes a long pull. She's aware she shouldn't be drinking, remembers all to well the last time she over indulged, the night she called Serena half way across the world because the panic was so much, so intense that she couldn't deal with it alone, but doesn't think one will do any harm, certainly wont be drinking to excess with her kids when emotions are already high. She listens as Serena catches up on the kids lives, the things she's missed, the things that maybe weren't important enough to include in phone calls or emails. She only zones in properly when Charlotte starts talking about a girl she's met, about how it's early days but she understands Charlotte's grief, doesn't resent it, that when she spends time with her she doesn't feel so sad for a little while.

“You never mentioned anyone before,” she says, tries not to sound hurt that her daughter hadn't confided in her sooner, knows she is being ridiculous but can't help feel that she is only hearing about it now because Serena is home, that if she wasn't it would be weeks until Charlotte brought it up. She thinks maybe she understands a little how Serena used to feel when her and Ellie shared whispered conversations and secret smiles.

“I didn't,” Charlotte shrugs, reaches across the table and squeezes Bernie's wrist as if she can read her mind, “It wasn't important, it still isn't, not really, but you guys are all together and we're catching up, I thought it was as good a time as any to let you all know. You're turn mumma, with everything going on I never did get the chance to find out what happened with the funding.” Serena perks up at that too as if realising she too hadn't asked, Bernie tries not to think bitterly that that's because she went awol before Bernie even got an answer back from the board.

“They are keeping the trauma bay in tact,” she says, is still surprised she finds no joy in the news, “Said the numbers spoke for themselves in the end.”

“Well then,” Serena grins, raises her glass, “To the trauma bay,” they all clink their classes together, echo the brunettes sentiment, Bernie shakes her head when her wife raises her eyebrow at her lack of enthusiasm, another conversation to have later she thinks, one of too many where she is going to have to talk openly about her feelings, be honest with not just her wife but herself as well. That thought alone propels her to the bar, Serena turns down the offer of another glass of wine, has only drank half of what she has, says she's only having the one, but she buys another beer for herself and Cam, orders a whiskey neat while she is waiting for her sons pint to be poured, drinks it in one long gulp, relishes the burn as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

“It won't help you know,” Serena murmurs when she slides back into her seat, catches Bernie's arm as she moves to raise the new bottle to her lips, smoothes her fingers over her wrist, “Take it slow.”

“You're hardly one to be preaching restraint when it comes to drinking darling,” she scoffs, feels her back go up at the very idea that Serena would try to lecture her on this, tugs her hand away and brings the drink to her lips regardless meets Serena's eye in challenge, Serena sighs, rubs at her face and shakes her head.

“Ok, fine, drink as much as you like,” her tone is resigned, a little sharp, “And I'll be here to pick up the pieces when it all backfires.”

* * *

 

By the time they get home she's drunk a little more than she should have done, stumbles towards the kitchen as soon as they are through the door to pour herself a glass of water, leans heavily against the counter as she drinks it quickly, refills it and drinks again, tries to press down the anxiety bubbling just under her skin. She tenses when Serena's hand lands on the small of her back, braces herself for the I told you so's and the reprimands.

“Come on, lets get you to bed,” she says instead, “You need to try and get some sleep.”

“You can say I told you so.”

“I know I can but I'm not going to,” Serena chuckles softly, “Now come one, I want to make sure you're safely in bed and I'll take the guest room.”

“Why would you take the guest room?” she asks surprised, straightens up and tries to ignore the way the room spins, focuses on Serena who looks unsure, a little out of place in the middle of their kitchen.

“I wasn't sure you'd want me back in with you,” Serena shrugs, wraps her arms across her stomach, “I know you're angry, that we probably need to talk.”

“We do need to talk,” Bernie agrees, “But not tonight, I _am_ glad you're home darling even though I've not shown it, and I would really like if you would come to bed with me while I try and sleep. As long as you want to?”

They go about their nighttime routine in silence and it's almost as if they have never been apart, they are still in sync, still move around each other easily, take turns in the bathroom without talking about who will go first. Bernie is in bed first, lies on her back on her usual side of the bed and stares at the ceiling, vaguely wonders when she last changed the sheets but considers that she's slept in the bed so little in the past several weeks that it doesn't really matter. She rolls onto her side when Serena slides into bed, smiles, because when all is said and done and regardless of anything else she is glad that Serena is back with them.

“Hi,” she says reaches out to stroke her fingers over the brunettes cheek, the first real contact she has initiated beyond a hug since the other woman appeared that morning.

“Hi,” Serena smiles in return, shuffles closer, slides her foot between Bernie's calves, settles her arm across her waist, “Is this ok?”

 

“Mmm, perfect,” Bernie allows shifts a little until she is settled against Serena's body, allows herself to enjoy the warmth, the safety, after too many nights spent wide awake and terrified.

 

“Good, now try and get some sleep, you're not alone anymore, I'll be right here if you wake up.”

 


	22. Chapter 22

Bernie wakes with a start, breath shaky, blood still thrumming with adrenaline, the acid burn of bile at the back of her throat. She can't remember the dream that woke her.

The hand that settles on her shoulder, although gentle, has her flying about a foot in the air and she catapults herself out of bed and into the bathroom, makes it far enough, fast enough, to throw up the paltry contents of her stomach into the sink. She leans heavily on the edge of the bowl, makes the mistake of meeting her own eyes in the mirror and shrinks back at the reflection that faces her. Her hair is lank and greasy, the skin under her eyes smudged dark, her cheeks hollow and her skin is grey and clammy, she looks a mess, knew she did but can't deny it now that she has faced up to what is looking back at her in the mirror. She becomes aware of movement over her shoulder, blinks away from staring herself down, lets Serena's face swim into focus, her wife looks so worried and it makes guilt swim in her gut, _she should be better than this_.

“Ok?” The brunette asks quietly and Bernie sighs, rubs at her face, doesn't know what to say, doesn't want to burden her wife with the extent of how awful she is feeling, “Please Bernie, I want to help.”

“I had a nightmare,” she forces out eventually, watches Serena slowly move towards her in the mirror, “I...I don't remember it.”

“That's ok,” Serena says, reaches out but stop before her hand makes contact with her wife, “Can I?” Bernie nods, feels something loosen within her when Serena's arm slips around her shoulders, her body moving close enough that Bernie can feel the heat of her against her skin but not close enough to touch, not yet.

“I was sick,” Bernie mutters, isn't quite sure why, feels a little like a child owning up to her mother.

“That's ok,” Serena murmurs, “We can clean it up later, but for now I just want to know what I can do to help you get a few more hours sleep.”

“I don't know,” Bernie shrugs, takes a deep breath and then pointlessly admits, “I haven't been going back to sleep.”

“I know,” Serena offers a wry smile over her shoulder, “But I'd like to try and help change that.”

“Ok,” Bernie nods, is too exhausted to fight it, knows she needs to break this cycle, that she's more likely to manage it with Serena's help.

“Have you tried anything at all?” Serena sighs when Bernie shakes her head, closes the final gap between them and brings Bernie fully into her arms, the blonde sags against her, the exhaustion so overwhelming all of a sudden that she isn't sure how much longer she can stay on her feet, Serena's hand stroking gently over her shoulder almost making her cry. “Why don't you have a shower?” Serena suggests and Bernie knows she would appreciate the water on her skin but isn't sure she would be able to keep herself up, “Or maybe a bath?”

“A bath would be nice,” she admits and the smile that Serena gives her in the mirror warms her somewhat,

“Ok,” Serena leans to press a kiss to her shoulder, squeezes her lightly before manoeuvring her until she's sat on the closed toilette lid. Bernie watches without moving as Serena sets a bath running and then moves to deal with the mess in the sink, the adrenaline has left her blood stream now and she feels worn out, her muscles aching. She blinks several times to clear the haze when Serena appears in front of her, holds out her hand to help her up.

“It's ready,” she says, brushes the hair out of Bernie's eyes, settles her hand on her cheek, “Do you want me to...” she trails off, hooks her thumb over her shoulder at the door instead and Bernie shakes her head vehemently,

“No,” she manages, being alone is really the last thing she wants even if it is the impression she is giving, “Stay, please.”

“Of course,” Serena is gentle, pushes onto her toes to press a kiss to Bernie's brow. The blonde lets herself be undressed, doesn't have the energy to fight it, can feel tears burning in her eyes, a sob lodged in the back of her throat. She's been awful more than she's been nice since Serena came home, doesn't feel like she deserves the level of care her wife is showing her, not at all. Serena doesn't say anything about the weight she's lost, the ribs that are visible that weren't before but she doesn't have to because her eyes say it all like they always have done and Bernie feels the tears break free and slowly begin to fall down her face. Still Serena doesn't say anything, just leads her across the short expanse, supports her into the tub. When Bernie is sat in the middle of the bath, knees tucked up to her chest, Serena strokes her hair, presses a kiss to her head, draws the first sob from the back of Bernie's throat.

“You're ok,” she murmurs and she must kneel down because the next thing Bernie knows she's being pulled sideways, her head tucked under Serena's chin and the brunette's hand stroking soothing circles across her back, “I've got you darling, you're ok.”

She doesn't know how long she cries for but she knows that when she's done she's exhausted, her throat and eyes raw. Serena kisses her temple once more as she rights herself and she turns to face the other woman who is looking back at her with nothing but love in her eyes.

“Sorry,” she says sheepishly, has to clear her throat to dislodge the last of the tears and Serena tuts, reaches for the jug they keep under the sink and helps Bernie ease her head backwards, starts to pour water carefully over her hair,

“No more apologies,” She says as she massages shampoo first into the blondes scalp then into the ends, “Not for things we can't help, I'd wager you've been holding onto that for quite some time.” Bernie thinks on that as Serena rinses her hair then massages through some conditioner, tries to work out how long she's needed to do that, to cry and cry and cry, ugly and raw and not make herself reign it in, tries to ignore that she still feels empty, like there's darkness encroaching on her from all sides, that she could probably cry for three hours and not really feel any better.

The water is just starting to cool when Serena pushes herself up to her feet and grabs a towel, holds it out until Bernie steps into it and then wraps it round her, lingers a little in her personal space, ducks to make eye contact when it's clear Bernie isn't going to look at her.

“Ok?” she asks gently, tucks wet blonde hair behind her ear, her palm lingering on Bernie's cheek, Bernie can only shrug, shakes her head lightly when Serena looks like she's about to ask. “Why don't you get yourself dressed and I'll go and make us both a cup of tea?” Bernie nods and Serena gives her shoulder one final squeeze before she disappears back into the bedroom and then down the stairs.

* * *

 

She dries off slowly, pulls on the pyjamas that Serena had left on the end of the bad before she went downstairs. When Serena returns with two cups of tea Bernie is sat on the edge of the bed staring at her hands in her lap, she doesn't know if she wants to get into bed, doesn't think there will be any way she'd be able to sleep if she did regardless of how exhausted she feels. She feels the bed dip beside her, looks up long enough to accept her mug from Serena, offers her a small smile then stares into the bottom of her mug.

“Do you want to get back into bed?” the brunette asks, nudges lightly at her shoulder when no reply is forthcoming and Bernie drops her head to the side,

“Not really,” Bernie shrugs, “I've tried it in the past and I just end up staring at the ceiling.”

“Ok,” Serena's face turns thoughtful and she pushes to her feet, holds her hand out for Bernie to take and then draws her to her feet, “Come on,” Bernie lets herself be drawn out of the room and down the stairs, doesn't question when Serena leads her to the study and manoeuvrers her into the comfortable arm chair in the corner. She curls into the chair, had forgotten how much she loves this space that they've carved out for just them in a house that was always run by the kids, the study was always the place that they could go to and know they would be left alone, through time it had been both a blessing and a curse. She watches her wife as she stands in front of the floor to ceiling bookcase in the alcove, filled with a collection of their favourites old and new, things they read to the kids when they were growing up, things they'd read to each other over the years, medical journals, text books from their university days, it was all there, shelf upon shelf of memories. She watches Serena's fingers dance along the spines, her face thoughtful until she stumbles across what she's looking for, returns to Bernie's said with the battered paper back clutched to her chest.

“Is there room for a little one or would you rather I sat over there?” They'd bought the arm chair because it was large enough for the pair of them to sit in, Serena knew there was more than enough room for her in there but Bernie appreciates that she's giving her the option, giving her the choice for space. It doesn't take much thought to realise though that she doesn't want space, she's cold in a way that no amount of heating will fix, feels a little like she needs held together, knows that the only person who stands even half a chance of managing that is her wife, so she slides sideways, lets Serena settle beside her then curls into her, her head cushioned on her chest. Serena shifts them slightly before she settles, shifts so she's sitting sideways, her legs trapped under Bernie's both of her arms around her shoulders and her chin resting on Bernie's crown, perfect position to read and keep Bernie close at the same time.

“Comfortable?” she asks and Bernie nods against her, lets the steady beat of Serena's heart soothe her, lets her eyes drift closed even though she's sure she wont sleep, “then I'll begin,” Serena presses a kiss to the top of her head then she hears the sound of the book opening, Serena flicking through the first few pages until she finds where whatever she is going to read starts and then begins to read, her voice low and steady.

“ _Carl Conrad Coreander Old Books_.” she begins and Bernie takes a shaky breath, doesn't need to look at the book in Serena's hand to know exactly what she is reading from, “ _This inscription could be seen on the glass door of a small shop but naturally this was only the way it looked if you were inside the dimly lit shop, looking out at the street through the plate glass door._ ”

The Neverending story; Bernie's father had read it to her as a child and she had fallen in love with the story, reread it even after her father all but disowned her, used it to remember better times, happier times. Then Cam had been born, had grown into a boy who didn't like to read but loved to be read to and she'd started the book with him, read it to him every night for as long as she was home, it took them almost two years to finish it between deployments but Cam always asked her to continue to read it to him every time she was home. Charlotte was a reader, wanted to read along as soon as she had a basic understanding of words, it had taken them even longer to read it, Charlotte insisting on reading parts of it to Bernie instead of the other way round but Bernie would have done it over and over again if it meant seeing the proud look on her little girls face when she managed a particularly tricky word. And then there had been Ellie, Charlotte had insisted on being the one to read the whole thing and so they'd curled up together on Ellie's bed each night Bernie wasn't on a late shift, cushioned against each other as Charlotte read to them from the battered paperback that had once belonged to the grandfather she had never met, would probably never meet, some nights Serena joined them, a few times Cam joined them but always and without fail the three of them lay together until Ellie fell asleep.

* * *

 

Bernie wakes with a cricked neck and a dry mouth, the sun shining in her eyes through the open curtains. She blinks several times to clear the sleep from her eyes, rubs at her face, she still feels exhausted.

“Go back to sleep,” Serena murmurs, her cheek resting against the top of Bernie's head, Bernie thinks she's probably watching the sunrise over the garden, vaguely wonders if she has been asleep herself or if she has sat awake all night. “It's still early.”

“Have you slept?” she asks, rubs her face into the material of Serena's tshirt, lets her eyes slide closed again, listens to the beating of her wife's heart, the birds coming alive in the garden, the creak of the pipes upstairs that tell her one of the kids is having a shower.

“Don't worry about me,” Serena murmurs, her head shifts and her lips press against where her cheek had been resting, “Have another hour at least?” Bernie knows she's unlikely to sleep any more but for Serena she will try and so she nods, shuffles round a little so she is comfortable again and allows her eyes to slide closed, focuses on Serena's heartbeat in her ear, the steady rise and fall of her chest underneath her cheek.

She keeps her eyes closed even when she hears the study door open, hears footsteps on the carpet, feels Serena shift so that she is looking up at whoever has entered the room.

“Morning darling,” her wife murmurs and one of her hands leaves Bernie's back, no doubt reaching up to make contact with their visitor.

“Is she asleep?” Cameron asks and Bernie shakes her head against Serena, forces her eyes open and looks up at her son with a bleary smile,

“No she's not,” she says though she doesn't move from where she is rested,

“Charlotte and I are going to head off, my shift starts in a few hours and Lottie has an assignment due in, just wanted to make sure you guys didn't need anything before we went.”

“We're fine,” Serena says, squeezes their sons wrist, “But if you give me five minutes I can give you a lift to the station.”

“Don't worry about it,” Cam leans down and presses a kiss to both of their cheeks, lingers over Bernie, murmurs “love you mumma” in her ear before straightening out. “We're both free at the weekend thought we would come through?”

“How about we come to you?” Serena offers, Bernie isn't so sure, doesn't know how she'd deal with central London but can't deny the desire to spend time with her wife and kids together in the same country.

“We can see what we all think later in the week?” Cam suggests, his eyes on Bernie and she wonders how much exactly he has worked out about how she's doing, hates herself for allowing him to see it so clearly and take on the burden. Charlotte comes in a little while later, says her own goodbyes then they listen together to the front door opening and closing, the house once again empty around them and Serena sighs.

“And then there were two,” she says and Bernie pushes herself so she is upright, winces as she loosens out the tightness in her neck, scrubs at her face with both hands. “How do you feel?” her hand lands carefully on Bernie's shoulder and the blonde tries to relax into the contact.

“Exhausted,” Bernie shrugs, doesn't feel like the sleep, as interrupted as it was, has done much to take the edge off her exhaustion, in fact, wonders if she doesn't feel worse for having had a little bit of sleep. “Sorry that I ruined your sleep.”

“What did I say about Sorry?” she chastises lightly, nudges Bernie's shoulder with her own and then kisses it, “I chose to get up with you, I couldn't just lie in bed and let you get on with it, ok?”

“Ok.” Bernie nods sheepishly, looks at her wife through her fringe, “Do you want a coffee?”

“Please,” Serena nods takes Bernie's hand before she can stand and squeezes, meets her eyes dead on, “I love you darling.”

“I know,” Bernie nods, sees a flicker of something she doesn't want to put a name too in her wife's eyes and runs as far as the kitchen, suddenly feels like she needs some space between them again. When she comes back, slides a cafetière and two fresh mugs onto the desk, Serena is stood at the window looking out into the garden, lit by the fading pink in the sky and Bernie can see that she is toying with the necklace around her neck, feels guilty that her unease is no doubt her doing. She waits until the coffee is ready to approach, stands shoulder to shoulder with the brunette and puts their mugs on the window sill.

“I love you,” she says eventually, when the silence has become far too much for her and all she can see is that flicker of pain in her wife's eyes over and over.

“You don't have to say it darling,” Serena breathes out, doesn't look away from whatever holds her attention beyond the glass, “I'd understand if that wasn't the case anymore, honestly, I don't think I'd be surprised.”

“Oh Serena,” Bernie murmurs, her heart breaking at the fact that Serena could ever entertain such an idea, then at the fact her behaviour in the last twenty four hours has made her wife doubt her, doubt them, “I do love you, I don't think there's a single thing you could do that would change that. I love you, it's just hard.”

“I understand,” Serena's voice still sounds sad and Bernie tucks an arm around her shoulder, curls her body around her wife, kisses the top of her head, “Do you want to do something today?” she appreciates the change of subject, knows that talking is the only way she can start moving out of this, away from the darkness but she's never been as good at it as her wife, needs to do it in chunks or she finds herself overwhelmed.

“I didn't have any plans,” Bernie shrugs, doesn't feel the need add that she hasn't been making plans for fear of not having the energy to keep them for weeks, that the last time she planned anything in advance it was to meet Alex for coffee.

“Well I looked in the fridge, the cupboards and we could do with some food shopping,” Serena says, she's settled back properly against Bernie's body, her hand gripping loosely at Bernie's wrist, for a minute Bernie can trick herself into believing that nothing has happened, that they just have a day off together and they are making the most of it, “But I can do that myself if you wanted to stay home, or do something else.” the question in Serena's tone, the fact her wife is so unsure around her breaks that bubble, almost too much has happened.

“No we can do that,” she can't remember the last time she did a food shop, the last time she bought anything more than a loaf of bread. “We could. We could go for lunch? Try that place in the park you've wanted to try since it opened?” The place in the park opened over a year ago but it's been the least important thing in a long list of things since and they had just never had the chance to go, Bernie hadn't gone while her wife was away because it was very much something she wanted to do with the brunette, even though it was something little in the grand scheme of things.

“Ok,” Serena nods, turns her head up to catch Bernie's eye, “But if you change your mind all you have to do is say so, ok?”

“Ok,” Bernie nods and then, before she can think her way out of it, leans down and presses a light kiss to her wife's lips, relishes the smile that spreads across the other woman's face when they separate. “Hi,”

“Hello darling,” Serena smiles, rubs their noses together lightly then turns her eyes back to the garden, points her finger towards the back corner and Bernie cringes, knows exactly what Serena is about to say, “Care to explain why half of my fence looks like it's been burnt down?”

“Small bonfire malfunction.” Bernie shrugs, “Slight miss calculation in placement.”

“I'm not going to ask.” Serena chuckles, “On the plus side the rest of the garden is looking pretty good.”

“Lottie and I cleared it all out a few weeks ago ready for winter,” Bernie shrugs, “We could maybe start planning what we want to plant for spring together?”

“I'd like that,” Serena turns and loops her arms around Bernie's waist, presses her face into her shoulder and just breathes and Bernie lets both of her arms wrap around her shoulders, holds her tight. “We're going to be ok aren't we?”

“Oh darling I hope so.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put a question out on twitter and tumblr asking what you guys thought Serena should pick to read to Bernie, a lot of you gave me suggestions and although I didn't actually use any of them I'm saving them for a potential one shot as I like the idea that Bernie and Serena would read to each other.
> 
> In the end I chose The Never-ending Story for two main reason, it was one of the first books my father ever read to me and I have very good memories of both the book and the time he and I spent together reading it and also because I remembered a specific passage that I felt fit with what is going on in this fic at the moment.
> 
> "If you have never wept bitter tears because a wonderful story has come to an end and you must take your leave of the characters with whom you have shared so many adventures, whom you have loved and admired, for whom you have hoped and feared, and without whose company life seems empty and meaningless.
> 
> If such things have not been part of your own experience, you probably won't understand what Bastian did next."


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one goes out to my cheerleaders on Twitter, you’re a bunch of gems and this would have probably taken a lot longer to come about if it wasn’t for your encouragement. 
> 
> I go back to work tomorrow and have a massive deadline to hit before the end of the month so I don’t know how much writing I’ll get done but I’ll do my best to get some updates out and as usual if you have any prompt requests you want filled just hit me up. 
> 
> Thanks for your continued support, you’re all ace!

Bernie knows that over the next few days she is more than difficult to live with, knows that Serena must feel like she’s taking two steps forward and ten steps back every time they have the slightest interaction. Bernie knows she is being awful, doesn’t feel like she can help it.

Serena on the other hand probably couldn’t be more perfect and Bernie thinks she would manage to appreciate it if she wasn’t so wrapped up in herself, so lost in her own feelings, so intent on hitting self destruct. Where Bernie is back and forwards, up and down, Serena is a steady constant not put off by Bernie’s sullenness, her barbed comments, her out and out silences. No matter how far Bernie pushes her, when she tells her with word and deed that she doesn’t want her there she stays and she takes it.

At night when Bernie is exhausted, her walls crumbling, when all she wants is someone to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok she curls into her wife, buries her face in her neck and cries and cries, allows herself to be held, takes the comfort she has been so desperate for. But, in the cold light of day, Bernie chafes against the concern, the care, pushes Serena away, tries to cut and hurt with harsh words and accusations or stays silent, refuses food and cups of tea, refuses to get out of bed for the whole of Thursday. In her more lucid moments she can see what she is doing, the pain and worry that she is causing but those moments don’t last long, certainly not long enough for her to apologise, to start making things right. Serena looks exhausted, any sense of restoration she had on her return has drained out of her face and she looks constantly worried. Bernie wants to apologise, tell her she loves her, ask her to help her, but each time she thinks she might say something, might start making things right the words die on her tongue because really, she doesn’t deserve it, does she?

* * *

  
“What are you doing?” Serena asks on Friday morning when she rolls over in bed and finds Bernie rummaging through the pile of clothes on the chair in the corner of their bedroom.

“Going for a run,” Bernie says without looking up, feels minutely triumphant when she unearths the leggings she was looking for. It’s a little after six and she’s been staring st the ceiling since a little before four, she feels like she might vibrate out of her skin if she doesn’t do something, hasn’t been for a run since Ellie’s birthday and knows it will make her feel better.

“You haven’t eaten since lunch time yesterday and even then you barely touched the soup I brought you,” Serena frowns, pushing herself so that she’s sitting up, she’s right of course, Bernie hadn’t even looked at the dinner Serena had brought up the previous night, can think of nothing worse than eating in that moment, nothing that will make her feel better than a run will.

“I’ll have something to eat when I get back,” she shrugs, pulls her thermal base layer over her head, vaguely registers that it’s a little big and she should think about buying one that’s a better fit.

“Except you won’t will you,” Serena accuses, “You’re a doctor Berenice, you know your body can only put out what you put into it.”

“I’ll be fine,” Bernie grounds out, sits on the edge of the chair to lace up her trainers, “I’ll just do five miles then I’ll eat something when I get back.”

* * *

****

She doesn’t stick around for the rest of the conversation, feels like it’s the only way to avoid it becoming an argument, she knows what her wife is telling her, knows that it comes from a place of concern, knows that what she is saying is right but the thought of eating makes her feel sick and running is the thing she knows will clear her head even if it’s just for the duration of the run.

One thing she will do is stick to her word and only do five miles and she jogs out of the street at a steady pace and heads to the park, thinks she’ll do a lap around the lake and then head back.

For the first time in a while she struggles to hit her rhythm, struggles to regulate her breathing, she’s out of breath before she hits the park, her legs are burning half way round the lake and by the time she turns back into the street she’s practically walking, her vision swimming. Serena takes one look at her when she stumbles into the kitchen, rounds the bench and forces her into a seat, pushes her head between her legs.

“Jesus Bernie,” she mutters and her presence disappears for a moment. Bernie tries to focus on getting her breathing under control, on stopping her hands shaking. Serena returns and pushes a bottle of lucozade into her hands, “small sips,” she says, pushes Bernie’s fringe out of her face and strokes her cheek. She must look a fright, she feels pale which means she’s definitely lost her colour, she’s clammy too. If she had more control over her body she’d be calling herself an idiot but as it is she barely has the control to sip at the drink she’s been given. She regains her faculties in fits and starts and Serena is crouched with her the whole time.

“Sorry,” she murmurs when her tongue feels less woolly, when her brain feels more capable of firing the right signals to the right places, “you can say I told you so,”

“And what good would that do?” Serena shrugs, pushes to her feet, “I am going to make you eat something though,”

“Ok,” Bernie nods, she still doesn’t feel hungry but her body is telling her that she is. “I’m freezing, I might go and shower quickly, if that’s ok?”

“As long as you think you can manage it?” Serena asks and Bernie pushes to her feet slowly, stands still for a moment until she’s sure her head isn’t spinning.

“I’ll be fine,” she nods, “and I’ll shout if I need anything.”

She manages to make it upstairs and into the shower but not before Serena folds her into an embrace, mutters that she’s an idiot but she loves her anyway. She deserves it she knows, deserves worse and more, knows she needs to sort herself out before she does some serious damage to herself, her family, or both. She’s having a lucid moment she knows, a moment where she is thinking sensibly, where she can accept Serena’s help, admit that she needs it but she also knows this moment won’t last forever, that in a few hours or a few days or a week she’ll switch, she’ll push everyone away, she’ll retreat in on herself and it’s terrifying. She wonders if it might be time she got some professional help.

When she gets downstairs, damp hair pulled into a messy ponytail, wearing soft leggings with one of Serena’s oversized jumpers, her wife has made porridge and tea and she appreciates the fact that Serena has made her something plain, something easy to eat, that she hasn’t made a huge meal expecting Bernie to be able to eat it. They sit together quietly, Serena has obviously already eaten and sips her tea while Bernie eats, the blonde is aware of the brunettes eyes on her but she daren’t look up, not sure what will greet her in her wife’s expression. She manages about two thirds of the bowl and half of the cup of tea before she has to stop.

“Sorry I can’t,” she says without looking up, jumps slightly when Serena’s hand slides under her jaw and tilts her head up, the face that swims into view is filled with nothing but understanding.

“It’s ok,” she smiles gently, strokes her thumb over Bernie’s cheek, “thank you for trying though, you worried me a little bit there.”

“Sorry,” she murmurs, she feels like an idiot, hates that she has made the other woman worry so much.

“Darling I understand,” she offers gently, shuffles closer and takes both of Bernie’s hands in her own, rubs her thumbs over her knuckles. “But I need you to promise me something,” Bernie nods, for her to continue, thinks she probably knows what is coming, “I don’t want you to stop running because I know how much it helps you but we need to come to an agreement that you don’t run unless you’ve eaten and that when you get back you eat something too, even if it’s just a banana.”

“I’ll try,” Bernie nods, knows she needs to, knows there will be some days when when she can’t manage it, but knows that with Serena home she isn’t alone anymore. “I think I need to cut my distances home for a while.”

“All I ask is that you try and that you look after yourself,” Serena gives her a reassuring smile that’s turns sad, “because I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so thin darling, not even when you were doing basic training and it’s terrifying.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been trying, I...” she doesn’t fight the tears, looks Serena in the eye with probably more emotion than she’s shown all week and Serena is by her side in the blink of an eye, folds her in a tight embrace.

“I know darling but you’ve been trying to do it all on your own, you don’t have to do that anymore. I’m home and I want to help you if you’ll let me.”

* * *

  
She feels out of sorts for the rest of the day, manages to eat each time Serena brings her something, thinks it helps that her wife understands that little and often is better than huge meals she has no chance of finishing. Come afternoon they are curled up on the sofa together, Bernie the little spoon for a change, and Serena has found a black and white movie to watch, Bernie can’t for the life of her remember what it’s called, remember the name of the actress but she’s sure it’s something they’ve watched together before. Serena’s fingers are drifting gently over her stomach, have slipped beneath the jumper to stroke over the warm skin, it’s the closest they have been physically since Serena got home and Bernie almost feels at peace, wants to hold onto the feeling for as long as she can before the grief and the anger and the bitterness take over again.

“I love you,” she murmurs, her eyes have drifted shut and she’s only aware of all of the places their bodies touch, shivers at the way Serena drags her knuckles over her abdomen at the admission, kisses the spot where her neck meets her shoulder.

“I love you too darling,” she whispers against the skin and Bernie turns blindly, her fingers tangling in Serena’s hair as she brings their mouths together. It’s messy and it’s desperate but it feels so good that Bernie moans into the contact, the thinks it might be the first purely positive feeling she’s had in forever and she doesn’t want it to end.

“Darling,” Serena says quietly between kisses, “darling stop.” Bernie blinks her eyes open, thinks she must look like an idiot, her confusion written all over her face, “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“You don’t think kissing my wife is a good idea?” She asks almost to herself,

“Bernie your hand is in my bra,” Serena chuckles softly and Bernie becomes aware that her wife is right, gentles the slight grip and slides the hand to a slightly more PG area.

“Sorry.”

“Hey, look at me,” Serena prompts, waits until their eyes meet to continue, “I don’t want you to be sorry, I just don’t think this is the best idea. Things are too raw, I don’t want you to regret it when you are feeling differently in the morning.” She hates herself, can’t forgive herself for Serena’s belief that her emotions are so fickle, can’t even argue because she knows the other woman is right, knows that at some point she’s likely to open the gap between them again and Serena doesn’t deserve that on top of everything else. She needs to be better, she will be better.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, it's been a while! I haven't been finding writing the easiest thing in the world recently, work has been crazy and pretty stressful so the last thing I really want to do when I get home is sit a write (there's been much more sleeping than writing)
> 
> This isn't how this chapter was supposed to go and what I have written actually started off as a one shot based on a prompt by @majorwolfe and then warped into this filler chapter, a little island of comfort in the sea of angst that this fic has become, I'm not sure about the end but there you go. I have the whole of the next chapter sketched out so hopefully I'll manage to get it written in the next little while.
> 
> Thanks as usual for all the support and kind words, they are the things I go back to read when I'm really struggling to get anything down and they help, honestly.

Bernie is finally, finally, starting to drift off when the sound of her own voice has her sitting up in bed and squinting at the screen of Ellie’s iPod in the dock on her bedside table. Since finding the mp3 player in the glove box of her car just before her daughters birthday she’d been using the music to help her sleep on the nights when she was struggling, had found that nine times out of ten it actually helped. She had started off just listening to the playlist that had been the last thing Ellie had listened to, she hadn’t realised at the time but when she’d been flicking through the other options that the playlist was titled ‘mum and mumma’ and the more she listened and actually thought about it, the more aware she became of all of the songs that made her think of road trips, holidays, parties, the kids complaining that they were listening to Fleetwood Mac, again; essentially, it was Ellie’s childhood in music.

When the music had started to become more predictable, when she realised she had been listening to the whole thing through in the space of a night she had decided to risk ‘shuffle all’, hadn’t heard the same song twice since, except now she seemed to be listening to herself.

“Bernie?” Serena grumbles, rolling over and rubbing at her face, “Darling?” she says, when Bernie doesn’t answer, takes a minute to realise in the predawn light that the blonde looks as confused as she feels.

_ “With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.” _

“Oh,” Serena whispers and Bernie is aware of her pushing herself up so she is sitting beside her, feels oddly comforted when Serena drops her head onto her shoulder, “I’d forgotten about these.”

“Me too,” Bernie sighs, drops her head onto Serena’s and listens to herself reading, “I figured they were long gone.”

When she’d been away on tour one of the things she had missed the most had been reading to the kids and it quickly became clear that the kids missed it too. When she’d been able to manage it she had made sure to call the kids in time for bedtime so she could read them to sleep, always made sure she had a book or two tucked into her pack for the times she managed it. It had been Alex who had suggested the recording, after she had overheard Bernie on the phone one night. She was an eager newby on her first tour, desperate to get in the good graces of the ‘famous Bernie Wolfe’ since she had been deployed with their unit and her enthusiasm had started to get on Bernie’s last nerve. The idea though had stuck with her, not a way to get out of reading over the phone or on Skype but a stop gap, for the days when it was impossible for her to make the call, for the nights when Serena told her one of their babies had cried themselves to sleep asking for their mumma. 

She mentions the idea to Serena in passing, only vaguely remembers talking about it after a long day with too much loss, had just wanted to keep the conversation going for as long as she could, had actually hoped to fall asleep with her wife on the other end of the line, to avoid the hour or so of staring at the ceiling running over every move, everything she did in surgery, anything she could have changed to save just one more patient. She doesn’t remember but of course Serena does and when she comes home there is a stack of blank tapes beside the little tape player in Cam’s room along with a stack of his favorite books, Charlotte not yet old enough to know the difference just enjoying the soothing sound of her mumma’s voice as she drifted off to sleep. Over the course of Bernie’s month at home Serena had recorded her reading to the kids enough that the stack of blank tapes had become a stack of neatly labeled stories. 

The next time she had come home Bernie had found one of the tapes in the machine in hers and Serena’s rooms. It had taken a little prodding, a seriously made pinky promise and a particularly amazing orgasm that had left Serena just the right side of exhausted, for the brunette to admit that on the nights when she was plagued by nightmares or just couldn’t sleep at all, being able to hear her wife's voice in the comfort and safety of their shared bed, in the quiet of their room, had been the only thing that had helped her relax enough to drift off. A plan quickly formed after that and the next time she had left for tour she left behind another tape, nestled carefully on top of her neatly folded training hoody, the one Serena had made her wear while she was home so that it smelled of her when she left again, this one purely for her wife’s benefit, a recording of Bernie reading a book of poems that Bernie had been reading to her love since their days at university, a copy of which stayed in her tour back, the twin of which was hidden in Serena’s top drawer.

She’d all but forgotten about the tapes, had assumed they had disappeared in one of their moves, had never expected to see them again never mind hear her own voice played back to her unexpectedly. 

“I haven’t seen them in years,” Serena agrees, tugs her so she’s resting back against the headboard, “And god knows how they ended up digital.”

“I imagine Cam had something to do with it,” Bernie says quietly, is trying to work out how she is feeling, is trying to blot out the sadness that comes with the knowledge that she’ll never read to her little girl again, tries to temper it with the knowledge that, even though she never said it out loud, their youngest still clung onto the comfort of home. 

“She was too young to even remember them,” Serena says, “The tapes I mean, she grew up with her mumma always there to read to her.”

“But didn’t feel like she could ask for the comfort when she was older and clearly needed it.” Bernie mutters and Serena squeezes her middle, kisses the side of her head.

“You can’t keep going like this darling,” she soothes, “Ellie knew she could come to us, that she chose not to is no ones fault. You tried to talk to her, better than I did it’s safe to say, there wasn’t any more you could have done.” There’s always more, Bernie thinks but doesn’t say and they sit in silence while the rest of the recording plays, united for the first time in what feels like at least a year.

 

As Bernie’s voice fades away, is replaced with something a little too upbeat, Bernie pushes herself out of bed to switch it off, can tell by the look on Serena’s face that she is plesantly surprised when she gets back into bed and doesn’t automatically put the distance between them. The brunette allows herself to be pulled so that they are lying side by side, sighs when Bernie curls into her side, pillows her head on her shoulder, the welcome weight of her arm settling over her stomach. They lie in silence like that for long minutes, Bernie imagines Serena is porbably worried about saying the wrong thing, hates that this is how they exist now but doesn’t know how to start closing the gap without it tearing itself open again at the smallest prod.

“I still have my tape you know,” Serena says eventually, maybe when it seems that Bernie is comfortable enough that she wont spook or maybe because its become clear that neither of them is going back to sleep.

“You don’t?” Bernie knows her tone is unbelieving and she turns her face up to look at her wife, isn’t sure what her expression must look like but it must be ok because Serena brushes her fingers over her cheek, offers her a smile.

“I do, I could put my hand on it and something to play it on in the space of about five minutes.” what Bernie doesn’t know, couldn’t know, is that the tape had travelled with her all this time, had sometimes been the only thing to keep her sane when sleep had alluded her yet again, before she felt ready to pick up the phone and reopen the lines of communication. 

“I...could you?” Bernie feels unsure about the asking, but Serena widens her smile, brushes the blonde fringe out of Bernie’s face and presses up to kiss her forehead lightly.

“Of course, let me up,” she patts at her shoulder and Bernie moves away, watches the other woman push herself up, move towards the door then dissapear. 

While she’s gone Bernie stares at the ceiling, wills herself to stay in the moment, wills her thoughts not to block her into a corner where she feels trapped, feels like she needs to retreat. She smiles when Serena returns curls right back into her side as soon as she has put the tape machine on the bedside table and clmibed back into bed. She presses play, curls round Bernie and kisses the top of her head and Bernie sighs out a breath, settles fully in her wifes arms, feels more relaxed in that moment than she has done in months and, despite knowing that it likely wont last she is willing to hold onto it for as long as her demons will allow.

 

_ “He seems like the gods’ equal, that man who _

_ Ever he is who takes his seat so close _

_ Across from you, and listens raptly to _

_ Your lilting voice _

 

_ And lovely laughter, which as it wafts by, _

_ Sets the heart in my ribcage fluttering; _

_ As soon as I glance at you a moment, I _

_ Can’t say a thing.” _

 

* * *

 

Bernie wakes on her own, but, at the sound of the shower running in the bathroom doesn’t move to get up, instead she stretches until her spine pops, then burrows herself fully beneath the blankets. It’s been a while since she was the second t wake, since she had slept through the early morning instead of spending it staring at the ceiling or pacing back and forth in the kitchen. She feels rested too, like she’s actually had her allotted sleep, that she has stolen back some of the lost hours of oblivion that would have made everything a little easier to bare. She knows that, that night or the next or maybe the one after she’ll return to that routine of falling asleep, waking then remaining awake but she refuses to waste this tiny burst of energy, refuses to let herself mope when for the first time in a long time her head feels a little clearer. Slowly she pushes herself up and out of bed, pulls her hair as well as she can into a messy bun and wanders through to the ensuite, doesn’t give herself the chance to over thinks before she shucks her clothes and slips into the shower behind her wife. Serena startles slightly at the hands on her waist, looks over her shoulder with a questioning frown,

“I thought we…” she says and Bernie knows she means that they decided not to do anything physical until things were a little more settled, 

“We did, but that doesn’t stop us sharing a shower, hands in PG areas at all times, scouts honour.” she sketches a quick scout salute then reaches over Serena’s shoulder and grabs the shampoo, squeezes a small amount onto her palm and gestures for Serena to tip her head back slightly, begins to massage it through the short strands. 

* * *

 

They spend a blissful twenty minutes under the hot spray and its no struggle at all to keep their hands in appropriate places, just nice to be so close. It’s not until they are sitting at the kitchen table sharing toast and coffee that Bernie finally manages to vocalise what she has been thinking all morning.

“The kids are both free at the weekend, you should go and see them,” Serena hadn’t ended up going the weekend after her return, unable to understand why Bernie wouldn’t join her and unwilling to leave her alone following the running on empty debacle and Bernie unable to use her words even with her wife to explain what the problem was. It hadn’t caused an argument as such but there had been a lot of heavy silence in the house for the following few days. It had been three weeks since that failed weekend and though Bernie still wasn’t ready to head to London any time soon she knew the kids wanted to spend some time with their mum.

“You should come with me,” Serena offers but Bernie can see that she’s unsure of what she’s suggesting, reaches over the table and squeezes her hand. “You’re not ready?” Serena adds, reads her mind somewhat, but she is relieved that it means she doesn’t have to say it.

“Not yet,” Bernie shrugs, “But the kids, Charlotte especially, really want to spend some time with you, I’m a big girl, I can look after myself for two days.”

“I just don’t want you to spend the whole weekend stuck in the house with nothing but your own thoughts,” Serena says lightly, flips her hand and tangles their fingers together, “I’d spend the whole time worrying about you.”

“What if I made plans to see Alex?” Bernie suggests, she’s over due a catch up with her friend, thinks probably Alex will be able to get her to talk through a lot of the things that she has been struggling with,

“But no running?” Bernie had tried to stick to Serena’s wishes, hadn’t run very often since the day she nearly collapsed because eating has remained a problem that she is very slowly dealing with on her good days and avoiding on her bad days.

“No running,” she agrees,

“And you’ll come join us if you change your mind?” Serena looks hopeful and Bernie nods, not wanting to dash that hope, doesn’t know how long this better mood will last, thinks that even if she manages the same amount of sleep, the same mood right up until the weekend she still won’t change her mind. “Good, right, ok.” Serena leans across the table and kisses her cheek, “I’ll call the kids later but for now I’m taking you out for the day.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, there's not a whole lot I like about this chapter, it's the first time I've had really in-depth chapter notes written before I sat down to write the chapter and I don't know whether that is to blame for the fact I've struggled or if my heart just wasn't in it but here we are.
> 
> I hope you guys can find a little sliver of this that you maybe enjoy more than I do. As usual, your support means the world to me, I hope I can find the love for this again soon and start writing chapters that I really like.

“Where’s Serena?” Alex asks, slides into the booth across from Bernie and plucks a menu from the stand even though they both know exactly what she’s going to order.

“Hello to you too,” Bernie counters, chuckles when Alex pokes her tongue out at her,

“Hello my darling friend,” she mocks, “it’s lovely to see you. Now where is your lovely wife who I haven’t seen in over a year? Better?”

“It’ll do,” Bernie shrugs, takes a sip of her water, “and Serena is in London with the kids for the weekend. She comes back tomorrow evening.”

“And you are sitting here with me because…” even after they had agreed on a plan Bernie’s decision to stay at home had caused a small amount of tension between them, Serena still unable to understand why Bernie was choosing to stay home and Bernie still unable to use her words and explain fully, while her mood hadn’t plummeted down as far as it had been recently the heady heights of their early morning conversation, their cuddled nap and their shared shower had waned as that day went on, the shine falling off although the glow of the happiness remained with her a while longer. Bernie had dropped Serena off at the station the previous afternoon and promised again that if she changed her mind she would let them know and she would come through, Bernie had smiled, kissed her, told her she loved her and promised that if she changed her mind Serena would be the first to know, didn’t say that she wouldn’t change her mind because her wife and children deserved to spend some time together without having to tiptoe around her and her ever changing moods.

“They deserve to spend some time with their mum without me there?” she shrugs, is pleased when the waitress appears at the table to take their order though she can still feel Alex’s eyes on her. They both order their usual, it’s tradition when they get together to eat there, along with a pot of coffee between them and once the waitress disappears Bernie can only hope that Alex has forgotten, by some miracle, what she said before they were interrupted. 

“Bernie what’s going on?” Alex asks, dashes Bernie’s hopes and the blonde sighs, fixes her friend with a pleading look,

“Can we talk about something else? Just for now?” she asks, sags in relief when Alex agrees, she knows Alex is her best chance of talking it all out the way she knows she needs to but she doesn’t want this day to be all about her problems and short falls, she wants to spend time with her friend like old times first. 

* * *

 

Alex is good to her word and for the duration of their brunch she talks about anything but Bernie’s situation and Bernie is happy to listen, pushes her food around her plate instead of eating much of it. Alex insists on paying and while she is dealing with that Bernie excuses herself to the bathroom, splashes water on her face, tries not to pay too much attention to her reflection, to the bags she knows stain under her eyes, the shadows still present in the hollows of her cheekbones. Alex is waiting by the door when she comes out, Bernie’s jacket thrown over her arm, a brown take out box in her hand.

“What’s that?” she asks, accepts her jacket and gestures towards the box as they leave, their traditions for brunch are pretty unbroken, take away has never been one of them. 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you pushing your food around the plate and barely eating it.” Alex offers with a raised eyebrow, “this is to cover my back with your wife, for when you decide you are hungry.” Bernie can only nod, stuffs her hands into her pockets, the lack of appetite still bothers her perhaps the most out of all of it, partly because it limits what she can do that will make her feel better but also because it’s something she has only struggled with once before, when they lost Jacob, and she knows how much she struggled to pull herself back from that, for all she has always been built like a bean pole she has always had a good appetite, has always enjoyed food, it feels foreign that no matter what she tries to eat, food just doesn’t hold the pleasure it once did. “When did she stop you running?” Bernie wishes she could be surprised that Alex knows without her saying anything but since their first tour together they’ve been pretty good at reading each other.

“A week and a half ago,” she shrugs, scuffs the toe of her trainer against the gravel of the car park, “I should have stopped myself sooner but you know how much better it makes me feel. I nearly keeled over.”

“Oh Bernie,” the brunette sighs, nudges her friends shoulder, “What can we do today that isn’t running but that might give you some of that feedback?”

“Have you got your walking boots?”

“They should be in the boot, want to hike the trail?”

“I think it might help,” Bernie shrugs, “and you always manage to get me talking up there.”

“That settles it then, I’ll drive, go and get your stuff from the car, I’m just parked over there.”

* * *

 

They pass the drive in silence Bernie content to watch the city disappear, taken over by fields and trees, the odd house. It’s a drive Bernie could probably do with her eyes closed, one Alex probably could, they’ve done it together and separately a lot in the time since Bernie was blown back home and Serena warmed up to the fact that Alex wasn’t a threat and was in fact a good person. She’d brought the kids up there, run it with a small Ellie strapped to her back when she finally got her fitness back after the IED, the baby squealing in her ear in excitement the whole way, could remember the grin on her face, the fact she was still panting to get her breath back when Serena had reached the top with Cam and Charlotte. The day her mother died she had run the trail at a breakneck pace, pushed herself as hard as she possibly could, reached the top with tears streaming down her face, had screamed the unfairness out into the world. It’s a place that has seen her at her best and her worst, it seems right that it’s where they end up then too.

“Long or short?” Alex asks when they reach the trailhead and Bernie tilts her head towards the longer route, it’s not as physically taxing as the short route but she knows she’s going to need the time the long route takes to find her words, to process and verbalise how she is feeling. “Thought as much, come on then.”

They walk in silence for five minutes but Bernie still can’t seem to get her thoughts in order, can’t work out where to start and she’s glad when Alex starts asking questions.

“So Serena came home, which is what you wanted.” she starts and all Bernie can do is nod, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her hoody as she kicks up stones as she walks, “But I get the impression that things have gotten worse rather than better.”

“But it should have gotten better shouldn’t it?” Bernie sighs, “I wanted her home, she’s come home, she’s doing better, loads better, and then there’s me, I feel like I’m going backwards.”

“Why should it have gotten better Bern? Serena is back but you still lost your daughter, she was as much yours as she was Serena’s regardless of biology.” Bernie flinches, tries to shut down the memory before it can fully form, push away the echo of her wife’s voice, bitter and upset, telling her that she can’t understand how Serena is feeling, will never understand what it feels like to lose your own flesh and blood, is glad for Alex’s voice pulling her back to the present, “and maybe that Serena is better is part of the problem, she’s has had the space, the time, to heal while you stayed here, looked after everyone else, kept them all going. I’ve said it before Bernie but I’m saying it again, you haven’t had time to heal like she has and that’s partly on her.”

“She did what she needed to do,” Bernie says, “I don’t resent her that,”

“And I’m not saying you should.” Alex nudges her shoulder, offers a small smile when their eyes catch, “But you do need to look out for yourself, especially now that Serena is home to take over with the other stuff, have you thought about seeing someone? Talking to someone?”

“It’s crossed my mind a few times,” Bernie nods, “But I don’t know.” 

“Can I be honest with you?” Alex asks and Bernie frowns, doesn’t really know what to expect, isn’t sure what Alex can offer her by way of advice in this situation,

“I...yeah,” Bernie shrugs, “it amazes me that you even feel the need to ask, the Alex Dawson I know isn’t one to pull an punches no matter how vulnerable a person is feeling!”

“I don’t want you to take this personally ok, that’s not what this is about, this is about me trying to help,”

“Ok,” Bernie nods slowly but doesn’t say more, gives Alex the space to gather her thoughts as they walk.

“And don’t interrupt me, let me finish before you say anything?” the brunette waits for the affirmative before she takes a deep breath, starts to speak, “I’ve never been quite honest with you about why I left active service,” she starts and Bernie’s eyes snap to her face immediately, she’d never once questioned the reasons that Alex gave for leaving the army, never once thought she had to, “part of it was because I lost the love for it but mostly it was the flashbacks, after your accident, after seeing how close you came, after having your blood on my hands, not knowing if you’d made it out, if you’d even made it as far as the UK. I couldn’t sleep, when I did I woke myself up screaming, sweating, crying, then the loud noises started making me flinch, I refused to get back into a car, confined myself to base, eventually agreed to extended leave. I thought with some time away things might get better but I still wasn’t sleeping, I’ll be honest, I was self medicating with alcohol and one night stands, running, not eating right. A car backfiring in the street was enough to trigger a panic attack, I punched a girl square in the face one night when I passed out drunk. I could barely function, knew I couldn’t keep going so I went to see my GP then a counsellor. They say I have PTSD, that it’s common in ex servicemen and women and I don’t know if I believe that but I do know that seeing someone helped a lot, that I don’t know what would have happened if I had kept going on the way I was. I guess what I’m trying to say is, needing to talk to someone, to a professional, isn’t a sign of weakness, in fact it’s maybe the strongest thing you could choose to do.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she offers quietly when it’s clear that Alex is done, looks to the brunette who stops, snags her wrist and pulls her into a hug,

“You don’t need to say anything, it’s not your fault and it’s all dealt with now, the point of it was that getting help is good, talking to someone can be good. What’s stopping you doing it if you’ve thought about it?”

“Knowing how much it will take out of me to go through it again.” Bernie says honestly as they start to walk again, their shoulders brushing

“Did you see someone after the accident?” Alex asks, can’t imagine Bernie Wolfe opening up to a stranger, could barely imagine her opening up to her wife when they first met, before she got to know the blonde, dug under those walls a little bit. 

“No, no, before that,” Bernie waves her arm, doesn’t really want to go into it, open that wound along with this, “And you’re right, it did help but at the same time it was exhausting and it was hard and they made me drag up a lot of stuff, stuff that I don’t know that I want to start digging through again.”

“Could you see the same person?”

“Who, Jen? I’m not sure she even practices anymore, never mind in the area.”

“It’s worth looking her up, she might make you go into some things that she thinks might be linked but if she knows all of your background then you’ll just have to take up where you left off.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's me, I'm back with the angst! It's been a while since I've felt so settled in my writing but maybe that also has something to do with the fact it's the first time in a long while that I've had nothing to do but write! 
> 
> This update does come with one of my huge angst warnings and a TW for talk of miscarriage and stillbirth and I think at least half of the people who have seen a sneak peek would recommend tissues!
> 
> I've actually got an idea of where the next chapter is going too so who knows, that might appear in the not so distant future. Thank you as usual for your constant support and to my two best cheerleaders for neither pushing me to write or discouraging me from going all in, you guys deserve a medal!

“It’s the guilt,” Bernie says and she sees Alex’s eyes jerk to her face out of the corner of her eye, keeps her eyes firmly planted off and over the edge, over the vast expanse of Holby and its surrounding areas below them, “That’s the thing that gnaws at me, the guilt that I wasn’t there, that I couldn’t protect her, the guilt that it wasn’t the first time I’ve failed to protect the people I love most. I couldn’t protect Jacob then and I failed to protect Ellie now, what kind of mother does that make me?”

“Bernie, who’s Jacob?” Alex asks gently and Bernie feels the first tear slide down her face, reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her wallet, pulls out a crumpled picture and hands it to the other woman. She’d found it again recently when she’d been going through some things in the office one night when she couldn’t sleep, Jacob’s twenty week scan, and it had only seemed right that it ends up in her wallet, tucked behind the picture of the brother and sisters he never met, who never knew him.

“Jacob was my son,” she offers, appreciates Alex’s strong fingers tangling with hers as she continues to stare off into the distance, “After Cam we decided that I would carry our second, it wasn’t as easy as the first time, it took three tries for anything to stick and I was already on deployment when I got a positive result, I was home within two weeks, can you imagine me happy to be stuck behind a desk?”

“Not even a little bit,” Alex chuckles and Bernie tries to ignore the fact that her laugh is obviously laced with the press of tears, that there is very little humor in it.

“That was his twenty-week scan, perfect, healthy baby boy we were told. We hadn’t really told anyone, Serena’s parents and obviously my superiors but not Cam, he wasn’t old enough really to understand unless we could show him something that made sense so we were waiting until we had this to show him and I was carrying small so we had decided to wait to tell anyone else too and I was glad for that decision in the end. A week after the scan I was home alone, Serena was working and Cam was with his grandmother, I’d not slept great for a few nights so I’d spent most of the day in bed, I’d even started looking at little bits and pieces for the nursery, had to stop myself buying any clothes for him just yet. The pain started out of nowhere, then there was blood and that’s how Serena found me, on our bathroom floor, I’d left my phone downstairs, hadn’t been able to call for help, I’ll never know if that would have made a difference, whether they would have been able to do anything if I got to the hospital sooner, but he came in the ambulance, he never took a breath and the thing I’ll never forgive myself for is that I wouldn’t hold him, wouldn’t see him.”

“Oh Bernie,” Alex is clearly crying now and Bernie doesn’t resist being pulled into a hug, cries her tears silently against Alex’s shoulder, “I had no idea.”

“Not many people did,” Bernie shrugs when they have pulled apart, scrubs at her face, swipes under her eyes, “and it was two years before we even met. I didn’t handle it well, christ I ran away from her then, why wouldn’t she run away from me this time?”

“You aren’t suggesting…”

“God no,” Bernie interrupts the thought before it can fully form, “not at all but I did run, back to the army, back to an active war zone and I didn’t come back for nearly a year, didn’t tell her I’d been injured, didn’t tell her that the injury led to complications, that those complications were worse than the injury itself. But I didn’t deal with any of it, so when I came home I was worse than I was when I left, I was convinced Serena must hate me, I sure as hell hated myself and I didn’t trust myself to be around Cam, didn’t trust myself to be able to look after him when I hadn’t been able to look after his brother. It was a long road and sometimes I wonder how Serena managed to deal with it all without breaking, even more now that I’ve had to do part of the same and ended up the most broken of all.”

“You aren’t broken Bernie, not irreparably, but you do need to do whatever it is you can to deal with all of this. I wouldn’t recommend an active war zone or getting yourself injured but I do think you need to talk to Serena, really talk to her, because I know you well enough to know you haven’t, not properly and I think you should seriously consider going back to therapy. But most importantly, darling, you need to stop blaming yourself and distancing yourself from the people who care about you. Your kids might be adults now but unless you talk to them, explain, they aren’t going to understand why you’re keeping your distance and I’m quite sure they wouldn’t want you to anyway.”

* * *

 

It’s almost dinner time by the time they head down and Bernie feels better, actually feels hungry for the first time in weeks, tells Alex as much.

“What are your plans for the rest of the weekend?” she asks as they near the car and Bernie shrugs, she’d done what Serena has asked and made plans with Alex, hadn’t made it much past that and it must show on her face because Alex doesn’t wait for her to try and explain, “Why don’t you drive to London, surprise them all? I do think they would all be happy to see you.”

“You really think so?” she can’t deny that there’s a certain appeal to it now that she’s actually got some things off her chest, some other things a little straighter in her head.

“I really think so,” Alex nods, squeezes her friends shoulder, “Think about it while I drive you back to the car?”

She doesn’t really need to think much, hadn’t thought she would change her mind when Serena suggested it but now can’t think of anything she wants more than to be with her family. When they reach her car she hugs Alex hard, doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to put into words the help her friend has been but Alex only smiles knowingly when they break apart.

“Any time,” she says with a smile, “But bring that wife of yours next time?”

“I think I’d struggle to keep her away,” Bernie chuckles, “And maybe we could meet the mystery woman?”

“We’ll see,” Alex chuckles, “Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and Bernie?” she turns just before she climbs into the car, finds Alex regarding her with a soft look on her face, “I love you, call me if you need anything.”

“You too,” she nods, “and thank you, for today.”

 

She makes a quick stop at home, changes into her darkest skinny jeans and a matching black shirt and throws some things into an overnight bag that she throws into the back of the car. She knows where Serena is staying, has a vague idea of where the restaurant they plan to eat is in comparison and decides to head for the hotel and then find her way on foot, hopes she manages to get there in time for their eight pm reservation. She considers texting ahead but shrugs off the idea almost immediately, wants to surprise them while at the same time doesn’t want to disappoint them if she gets there and changes her mind at the last minute, she’s confident she won't but she doesn’t want to let them down, not over this.

* * *

 

She makes it in good time, the traffic not as bad as she was expecting most of the way down, the only snare ups coming when she got closer to the capital, and she pulls into the hotel with enough time to throw on some concealer to cover the worst of the dark circles and wrestle her hair into some semblance of order. She makes it to the restaurant ahead of the rest of her family, lingers in the doorway with a cigarette until she hears them coming, Cam’s voice carrying over the traffic on the street, Serena’s laugh, rich and vibrant, worming its way into the dark corners of Bernie’s heart. It’s Charlotte who spots her first and she grins, accepts the girl into an embrace when she speeds up slightly to get to her mumma first.

“Ok?” Serena murmurs when they eventually embrace and Bernie squeezes her middle, kisses her cheek,

“Ok,” she agrees, lets Serena lace their fingers together as they walk into the restaurant. Luckily it’s easy enough to get a place added to the table and soon enough Bernie is pressed against her wife’s side in the plush booth seating, the kids across the table from them chatting and smiling. It’s almost,  _ almost _ , like normal and Bernie tries to hold onto that feeling, tries not to feel guilty for it, this, after all, is their new normal no matter how painful that still is for her to process. A squeeze of her knee pulls her focus back to the moment and she looks at her wife with a smile,

“Cam was just asking what you got up to today?” she prompts and Bernie turns to her son apologetically,

“Sorry, miles away,” she shrugs, relishes the gentle weight of Serena’s hand where it remains on her knee, covers it with her own to keep it there, doesn’t want the contact to end just yet. “Alex and I went for brunch then we walked the trail.”

“Pancakes and bacon?” Cam chuckles and Bernie pokes her tongue out at him, “Hey, it’s not my fault you are so predictable.”

“Look who’s talking,” Charlotte interjects, nudges her brother's shoulder playfully, “What will you be having to eat tonight, will it be a margarita pizza or a margarita pizza.”

“Like mother like son,” Serena laughs and again the sound finds the darkness in Bernie and lightens it a shade. She’s far from fixed she knows that and she has some serious bridges to build with almost everyone around her but there’s no denying that talking to Alex has helped her start to process the things at the root of the issue and she realises that her friend was right, there is no shame in asking for help, in admitting she needs it, when they lost Jacob seeing a therapist had been the hardest thing she had ever done but it had helped, had brought her back from a place she was running the risk of falling headfirst into again and finally she feels like she is ready to start facing up to it. Serena had once told her she was brave, not for going to war, not for the job she did, but for admitting she needed help when she felt her most broken. It was time to be that brave again.  


	27. Chapter 27

“So,” Serena starts once they’ve said goodbye to the kids and are headed hand in hand back towards Serena’s hotel, “What made you change your mind?”

“What do you mean?” Bernie says, is stalling for time really, always feels a little guilty when Alex manages to get her talking when her wife can’t even though she knows it’s simply because Alex isn’t directly involved, Alex isn’t hurting too.

“You were so sure you wouldn’t change your mind but you’re here,” Serena shrugs, “I think what I’m really asking is which one of us changed your mind?” ah, there it is, Bernie thinks, the insecurity, it’s another thing to punish herself with, the fact that her behaviour has made her wife question her part in her life, the power she still holds, it’s another thing she’ll have to fix, another thing to add to the list. 

“In the end, it was all of you, I realised that while I was punishing myself by staying away I was punishing all of you too and that wasn’t fair.”

“It’s not fair that you are punishing yourself either darling, none of this is your fault,” Serena says gently and Bernie tugs them gently down onto a park bench, covers Serena’s hands with her own.

“Can I be honest?” she asks, keeps her eyes intent on their joined hands, sees more than feels her wife squeeze her fingers.

“I would very much like it if you could be,” Serena prompts and Bernie makes herself turn to look at her, tries to accept the love in her eyes, tells herself she deserves it.

“I think my biggest problem is the guilt,” she admits, pushes on through Serena’s furrowed brow, “and the fear that if I couldn’t protect Jacob and I couldn’t protect Ellie, how can I claim to be able to protect the rest of you and how do I survive next time I fail?” she shakes her head when it looks like Serena is going to interrupt, “saying it out loud I can hear the stupidity in it to a point but that doesn’t stop the fear that something could happen to one of you and I’d be powerless to stop it. I’ve realised too that I should probably talk to someone. I’m going to see if Jen is still practicing and go from there.”

“Berenice Wolfe,” Serena says gently, reaches with her free hand to brush the hair from the blondes face, “You always have been and always will be my hero, your kids will always look at you like you hung the stars in the sky, like you can beat all the bad guys, but we all know that you are human and sometimes you need saving too. Darling, you couldn’t have done more for Ellie and Jacob, you couldn’t have loved them more, wanted them more and as strong as you are, as brave as you are, you’re powerless against the laws of nature. I love you Bernie and I am so glad you are starting to talk to me but I also know that you’re worried to say something to me that might hurt or upset me, I think talking to a professional will help and I know Jen helped you last time once you got comfortable with her.”

“I’ll look into it this week and get the ball rolling,” she says, brings their joined hands to her lips and kisses her wife’s knuckles lightly, “I promise I’ll be better.”

“Just promise you’ll talk to me, that you’ll let me help.”

“I promise,” Bernie nods, finds she means it and she knows it’s something that needs to happen for them to start moving forward from this, “I’m sorry I haven’t…”

“No more of that,” Serena shakes her head, “just moving forward, together.”

* * *

  
  


They sit where they are for a little while, Serena tells her a little bit about what she’s gotten up to with the kids, Bernie tells Serena that Alex wants to get together now that the brunette is back in the country and a little more settled.

“I suggested it might be an opportunity to meet this new woman she has on the go,” Bernie says, earns herself a chuckle from her wife, “She wasn’t particularly firm in her agreement.”

“Do you know anything at all about her?” Serena asks, snuggles into Bernie’s side, sighs when the blonde loops her arms around her shoulder, settles her more firmly against her body, “A name, anything?”

“Just that she understands that Alex’s job means long, sometimes antisocial hours and isn’t put off by it,” Bernie shrugs, “which for Alex means it’s really something special because otherwise, she’d be sharing everything, even the bits you really don’t want to hear.”

“You mean she might actually be settling down?”

“She’s definitely smitten,” Bernie chuckles, “do you fancy another drink? My treat.”

“I know just the place if you trust me?” Serena asks, pushes herself to her feet and holds out her hand for her wife, her face breaking into a gentle smile when the blonde takes it without hesitation and allows herself to be pulled upright. 

“Always,” Bernie murmurs, takes her by surprise by pulling her closer, carding her fingers through her hair and leaning in to press a gentle, lingering kiss to her mouth, “absolutely.”

 

Bernie recognises the place as they are walking down the street, tugs Serena closer, lets go of her hand to tuck her arm around her shoulder.

“Jazz Mrs. Wolfe?” she smirks, melts when Serena looks up at her and bats her eyelashes despite looking uncertain, but Bernie can’t think of anything better to start bringing them back together than this.

“If that’s ok with you?” she asks and Bernie leans down to kiss her lightly.

“Perfect,” she admits and Serena slips ahead with a smile, snags the blonde’s hand and tugs her the rest of the way to the front door. Bernie watches her go, helpless to do anything but follow, ready to embrace this feeling for as long as it stays with her before the darkness descends again. 

She insists on paying the door charge for them both then follows her wife down the narrow staircase into the basement room and straight over to the bar, they’ve been coming here together for years and as usual Bernie is pleased to see that it hasn’t changed all the much. Serena tucks herself against the wood of the bar and Bernie presses against her back, hands resting against the bar top at either side of her wife’s waist.

“What are you drinking?” she asks against the other woman’s ear, can’t ignore the shiver that runs through her wife’s body, a shiver she very clearly tries to suppress.

“Whatever you’re having,” she says against the point of Bernie’s jaw and the blonde smirks, raises an eyebrow,

“You sure?”

“You, whiskey and Jazz, is there a better combination?” Serena hums and Bernie can’t resist kissing her, long and lingering, her hands sliding from the bar to settle against the other woman’s hips which have already started swaying in time with the music that is being pumped into the space. 

“As the lady wishes,” she says when they break apart and she attracts the barman's attention, places their order. Quickly two squat tumblers of amber liquid are placed on the bar in front of them and Bernie settles the bill before she picks up her own, looks at her wife when she clinks their glasses together.

“To us,” she murmurs, pushes onto her toes to press a kiss to the corner of Bernie’s mouth, “to getting through this together.”

* * *

 

It’s nice, Bernie thinks as they make the walk back to the hotel, to feel something other than crushing, trapping darkness, to look at her wife and feel none of the guilt and fear she feels has been clouding her every waking moment for forever. She knows it’s likely just temporary, knows it will be a long time before she can be sure it is gone for good, if ever, but looking at her wife, shoes hanging from her free hand, smiling wide, cheeks pink from the whiskey and the dancing, she can’t find it in herself to care. 

She’d stopped after her second whiskey, thought it was probably for the best to avoid drinking to excess even though she was feeling good and she hadn’t needed any more alcohol, not really, not when she had Serena grinning and laughing in her arms as they danced. It’s impossible to ignore the lines of worry still etched into her wife’s face, the dark smudges under her eyes that tell of the sleepless nights that Bernie can’t help blame herself for but, she reminds herself of the positive changes she can see since Serena came home, the easier smiles, the weight that has returned since Bernie left her to finish her travels, if anything Bernie needs to do this for her, because she never wants to see her wife in that state again.  

* * *

 

“Where are you going?” the brunette asks when they reach the hotel and Bernie loosens her grip on her hand, moves to head in the opposite direction, seeing the worry on her wife’s face Bernie immediately tugs her close, looks down at her with a gentle smile,

“I just need to go and get my bag out of the car, can’t do much without pyjamas and a toothbrush now can I?” she says, brushes the fringe from Serena’s forehead, traces the side of her face with gentle fingers.

“I don’t see the need for pyjamas but the toothbrush I’ll give you. I’m in room 219, be quick.” the twinkle in the other woman’s eyes is unmistakable and for the first time since her wife came home Bernie feels that spark of want settle low in her belly. The speed with which she collects her things and makes it to the room has nothing to do with feeling like she has to, nothing to do with anger or guilt or any of the other things she has felt when thinking about her wife in anything but a platonic sense since she turned up on Ellie’s birthday or maybe even before that, but everything to do with the desire she still feels for the woman she loves and a desire to start moving forward, to start healing. 

The door is ajar when she reaches it and she shoulders it open, pushes until it clicks closed once she is inside and drops her bag at the doorway of what she assumes is the bathroom, if she wasn’t so focused on her wife she would take the time to appreciate how nice the room was, wouldn’t be surprised that even for a flying visit Serena had booked somewhere nice to stay but as it is, Serena proves to be more distraction that her brain can handle, perched on the end of the bed, face free of makeup, in nothing but her underwear, underwear that Bernie has never seen before. She must stand staring for a little too long because Serena breaks the silence gently, holds a hand out for Bernie to take and tugs her until she’s standing between her knees.

“Anything I do that makes you feel uncomfortable you tell me to stop, ok,” she says lightly, looking up at Bernie with a gentle smile on her face

“There’s nothing…”

“Bernie,” the blonde huffs out a laugh, threads her fingers through the hair at her wife’s temples,

“I promise,” she concedes, runs a thumb over her cheek, “same goes for you.” 


End file.
